Wilderness..!!

Rotary Peace Fellow

2011-08-26T05:00:00.002-04:00

This morning, I received an email which carried this link: http://cgi.unc.edu/top/staff-blog/2011?q=darshan&x=0&y=0

If you've already opened it, let me clarify, I do not send it to blow my own trumpet. It's just that the article touched my heart, not cuz it was written bout me, but cuz it came from someone who I considered real close. Some one who had been with me through out the process that she writes about, rather it was her patience and her care that nurtured my passion to do what I wanted. She stood besides me, not only me, but every peace fellow through their two years, and then as a continuous locus of support. Rotary peace fellowship is an amazing program, but what makes it incredible is the extra support and care that the Rotary family renders. It is an opportunity for dreams to manifest in reality, which otherwise might have disappeared in thin air.

Let me not forget the peace fellows, the school and the cohort. All that she writes about, if I may say so, can happen only at UNC. The patience with which school endured my tantrums, the love with which my friends stood besides me, the care that my mentors and faculty showed, the affection of my host parents, the list can go on...

I never could pen my thoughts or after reactions of the peace fellows program. How could I? It seems impossible to capture all those emotions, all those experiences, everything in black and white. But, this link is a sufficient trigger to remind me how every one copied on this email has been a source of change in my life.

I'd not say thanks, I'd rather say, "Rotary Peace Fellows" let's rock it! :)

Love, Darshan

Celeb social work...

2011-05-12T07:49:00.000-04:00

(the topic was given as a prelude to an interview... I had to express what I feel on that. With the guidance of Dr. Sud, here is what came out...)

Topic: "Celebrities, HNWIs and corporates play a powerful role in the Indian context as role models and influencers. How can these stakeholders leverage the power of ‘focus’ and ‘collaboration’, and use their ‘voice’ to generate widespread social change in India?"

Scenario I: The winning of World Cup tournament brought this country together like never before, Sachin being the uniting factor beyond any caste, creed and religion.

Scenario II: When the who’s who of Indian panorama showed up at Anna Hazare’s fast recently, did they give more credibility to the event or were seeking to get some of that credibility rub on to them? How can we perceive Baba Ramdev's proactive participation, when Anna had publicly snubbed him?

The above two, drawn from a plethora of incidences happening across India show two sides of the coin… In one, Sachin, the youth icon, unites this country across the borders; while in the other, a common man becomes a celebrity and every other celebrity is over shadowed.

Widespread social "change" cannot come through tokenism. All bollywood stars claim to be associated with some NGO or the other in purchase of credibility as 'sensitive' creatures. Even if some of them are 'genuine' they are rarely seen to use their 'star power'. They have their own limitations. Against that, bollywood has also seen silent players like Amrish Puri, whose social actions were never brought to media, but delivered sustainable change at grassroots.

The Nilekanis’, the Jindals’, the Tatas’ and hundreds of HNWIs have been quietly working for decades without making any noise. And this is what social change takes - quiet, persistent, honest ground level work. Social change requires focus and long-term commitment, not just a day spent outside Gateway of India to get some sound bites, courtesy hungry media. This was proved when Amitabh’s foray into politics completely stumbled in it’s first innings irrespective of his undisputed position in bollywood. They can attract the commoner's attention in public places, but it is about the right use of the generated hype, which can manifest itself in social change through persistent efforts of organizations associated to the celebs.

The above mentioned are facts, but it is also a fact that India is a country where celebrities are worshipped. A temple of Sachin and Amitabh, hailing of Sathya Sai Baba as God, looking at Amir Khan as savior of masses are not new to India. And here lies the crux… Social change is about mass movements that cannot happen with exclusion of some. It is about bridging the gap across the spectrum, irrespective of one’s motivations.

The conclusion for me being, it is about the intermediaries between the celebrities, the HNWIs and the social change medium, that is organizations like Innovaid and the ones working directly at grass roots. The onus lays in their hands; i) by guiding the course of celebrities in right direction; ii) for leveraging the ‘celebrity’ status of the who’s who in manifesting social change, through the right use of ‘sound bites’, ‘public appearances,’ and; iii) the factor that makes them a celebrity, the collaboration of masses under their influence.

Love, Hate & Life...

2010-06-26T14:44:00.000-04:00

"But then, it has become a kind of obsession, almost like a one-sided love affair with a quirky beloved. Perhaps I am just not used to leaving troublesome relationships midway!"

Just read this in an email from someone... It weaved in three threads that I was trying to think about, surely love, hate and life, all together bound by "trust" to form "relations." A weird equation, ain't it? Irony in itself...

I am confused, I find myself anxious. It is difficult to understand the true meanings of these words... Let me check the dictionary!

Love = a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection [like]...
Hate = to dislike intensely or passionately...
Trust = reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence...

And, while I am looking up trust, I find a kind of answer to my question, of why am I trying to write this post... Because, trust is also defined as: confident expectation of something; hope.. HOPE! A word that banged outta movie Shawshank Redemption.

If I recall most of my discussions through life, I hear people speaking of hope. In hope of something or everything. In hope of gaining or loosing. In hope living or dying... One or another, but hope! And the moment the hope goes missing, it is like a Dementor's kiss... Blank, gone, oblivious to life!

Why am I writing all this? In last few days, I found myself struggling to balance the tricky triangle of love, hate and relations! The experiences that define my expectations have led me down at times, and exceeded my assumption at other. But, there's no sure pattern, neither is there a pre-determined sequence of actions. And through all of this, I have been sticking with a bare minimum thread of hope, hoping my own negative thoughts will not impact the bets of my life, hoping I can trust myself and others, hoping ti will turn out the way we imagine it together!

hope... I hope...

Development Redefined

2010-06-11T10:38:00.002-04:00

The simplest definition of development... USAID

Hangover II...

2010-04-06T00:54:00.000-04:00

So, why was my blog titled "I'm not drunk.." Cos, that's what every drunk person says! And, its not a hear-say thing, cos I experienced it the other day. So, as you read bout the evening while it was happening, this is the aftermath...

So, yes, I had to run to check out where everyone was. While I figured it out, it was 2:00 a.m., closure time. By the way, why am I trying to describe it... Have you seen the movie, "The Hangover"? Exactly that's what happened in a couple of hours... The only thing was, we were fortunate enough that no one woke up with wrist bands from a hospital. In stead, all four of them woke up with the bar bands. I wish the details were good enough to be disclosed, but alas, all's well that ends well!

I'm back in Chapel Hill with memories that will be ingrained for ever. Now, it is going to be a busy time to graduation... Wish me the best!

I am not drunk..

2010-04-04T03:55:00.000-04:00

Madhushala.. One of my favorite Hindi prose! Sounds melodious.. But in reality, the experience does not turn out to be as rhythemic!

On my birthday weekend, hanging out with friends. It's been one of the best vacations till now. Till this night.. Nothing wrong here too.. Just a slight change, instead o friends, I'm baby sitting four kids. Everyone in his own world, some trance heaven I don't know about. Possibly I've not yet been so pure to be permitted in the heaven...

As usual, I'm puzzled. What is it tat makes someone drink so much so tat they forget their own existence, the reality. I might understand it if someone's in utmost pain; but wat bout fit n fine individuals? I'm sitting here, staring t the crowd around.. Almost everyone seems drunk. Guys hunting for gals, gals hunting for guys.. To be politically correct, at times guys jining for guys and gals hunting for gals too. Why, didn't a guy just asked me if I was alone n needed company? Hey, before u misunderstand me, let me clarify. I'm not judging anyone here. Everyone has their own choices.. No issues. My issue is with the drunken dependency and the acts that take place under the influence, which u wake up to regret.

This is juts the stream of thought that is flowing across while I'm sitting here.. Seems I need to get back to baby sitting, or possibly walking; before it creates any trouble. Will come back on this for sure...

grey shades between black and white

2010-03-12T07:56:00.000-05:00

Reactions after attending a class on dismantling racism…

Unable to look up, hands in pocket, butterflies in stomach.. I was unsure if this reaction was for the activity we were doing or was it because of whatever was happening with my course work at school [ineligibility to continue my studies, as I questioned the system and rebelled against what I thought was inapopropriate], but I choose to assume that it was an impact of both. The silence and the judgmental criteria for the activity were disturbing. The grey shades between black and white pushed us back to reality, that not everything is on either side of the fence..

I have always faced problems comprehending with any system that tries to categorize everything around them. The first debate ever initiated by me, though in Indian context, was about the necessity of tagging every relation. India is a cultural mélange and to make the social fabric smooth, a system of tagging every relation has become a tradition. But, I always felt, that there are so many relations that cannot be tagged, so many different emotions binding us with a single person, that it is not possible to describe it in one “relational binder”. And the same dilemma came up today, with extreme intensity.. Because, most of the words used in the activity were judgmental. Though harsh, it made me realize, how in real life, sub-consciously, I tend to do the same with everyone around me. A good reason to pinch myself, next time when I find the pattern repeating with me..

I come from the land, where emotions are valued over everything else. People prefer to be poor and happy, than disturbed and rich. A land where life is considered fluid, and needs the energy of emotions to flow, rather than the power of machines to govern life.. The land, where Mahatma Gandhi had said, that in case of dilemma, put yourself in the shoes of the poorest of the poor you might have seen (feel what he might feel), and then make a choice that he would make.. The country, where so called “stupid simpletons” like me, pray to “Mother” Earth in the morning, begging forgiveness for stepping on her. Where I have been taught, that everything around has an element of life, everything can feel, can sense, and can radiate; and this is not a myth, but a proven fact in quantum physics. (These sentences might not necessarily be true to every Indian, but this has been the Indian philosophy over ages.)

[This class makes me think of all of this…] We have not yet been too far in the class [of dismantling racism], it is just three classes At this stage, it has already been over-whelming to see how emotions play a role in every day functioning. Specially, because my observations here [at the school of social work] have been more disturbing than anything. Where we are taught to treat other humans as machines, where we are supposed to put ourselves in the shoes of know all, and consider that something wrong has happened with others’ life.. Rather, on a note of sarcasm, I feel using my mechanical engineering background, the way I would repair every broken car. (Now that itself is a myth, because every car is not repairable, but here we seem to be taught that every other human’s life is curable, by the “know all” me.) Where emotions play last role in any conflict, and the whole system of this education seems not to consider the primary factor that heart pumps the blood, and not the brain.. I use the word ‘we’ in all these statements, because it is a collective procedure.. Also, because I was surprised to know the reactions of my cohort, who are eager to learn the system than feel the emotions.. Who would still debate that the role play of emotions does not seem to take us anywhere, or that the real life situations are going to be different. Sure, they are going to be different, but nowhere easier than this. There is going to be no ‘safe space’ in real life, it is going to be as rough as possible.. And for me, this seems perfect simulation to understand what emotions are..

I personally feel, the world would be a much better place to live in, if there would be a day, when not one, but all would understand that, ‘Life is like a flowing river’, it flows irrespective the dams, the causeways, the mountains, or the slopes.. That every river meets ocean, and every human will be no more one day.. Neither would all the systems exist nor would the systematic approach.. What has, is and would ever exist is, mass and energy.. E=MC²

I am waiting to see, where this all leads us..

Blog?

2010-03-05T18:46:00.000-05:00

For a long while now, this blog seems to have become a platform for me to share my personal stories with my friends and family. I assume, I forgot that it was being read by the ones who don't yet know me. My apologies to those readers, who came here to read about my thoughts in general and landed up reading from my life's experiences. It is not that I do not have anything to say, it is just that possibly I have too much to say. Funneling the thoughts has been a great challenge. Experiences seem to grow in number by every passing moment, but not all of them make it here. Mostly the ones that make it here are the ones which somehow have touched me and my life. I wish, I had an innate inclination for writing, and like in India, I had an associate here, whom I could dictate and s/he could type it out for me. Let me assure you, I am not being chauvinistic here by proposing assistance for writing. I have just come to realize the importance of not breaking a chain of thought. And this is much easier when you are dictating, rather than typing on your own. At least for me...

What is a blog for? For sharing your personal life or for addressing issues that matter to you or the issues that matter to readers? Or than like Shahsi Tharror, commenting on any and every thing, irrespective of any relevance to the writer? For me, it is more about bringing together the personal interests and the interests of readers. How much so ever I wish to take care of every small thing and appease every individual I meet, at the end of the day, it is my life and I have to live it. It is too short for me to live it up to anyone's else's expectations. And I think so does apply to blogs. They are more of writer's opinions and what matters to the writer than of social importance.

As experiences keep on enriching my life, I will try and get most of them on this platform for your comments and feedback, as and when I can.

Ija - Bija - Tija

2010-02-28T10:44:00.001-05:00

Life always gives a second chance... And whatever happens twice, has to happen thrice! The Ija, the Bija, the Tija...

What goes round, comes round... Kar bhala, to ho bhala...Life's deeds are a cycle... Sow, shall you reap!

I used to always hear these in and around me. Coming from a family of simpleton's, who believe in some natural power and the cycle of good and bad deeds, these theories were spices in their ingredients of faith. Me being an agnostic, I used to be selective with such spicy theories. 'Not much for me in there' kinds. But, life has it's own way to prove what it ought to... But let me clear, I do not wish to say that I yet believe in the theory, just that I have experienced enough coincidences, so as not to disqualify someone else' assumptions.

As usual, I'll draw it from my own life's example: 2004 - 2007 - 2010, the three years that came exactly at an interval of 3 years, changed my life considerably. Actually, those who know me, know that there's not been a single day that's not had a significant event for me (Sanyu, I can see you smiling...). These are just three years that repeated a pattern.

Let's start in 2004... Three years after I passed my XII boards and approximately two years after I started with my engineering. I was at one of the lowest points of my career, absolutely not keeping up with demands of engineering. Was ready to leave it and do what I wanted to (don't ask me what cos have no clue!). Finally, took a break of an year (or you might wanna call it "failed") and chose to step back and decide what I wanted. Application to the Camp America started... That's when I was in States for the first time, for 3 months. Through this time, my diary of unposted letters to her was what gave me an analysis of my surroundings and helped me make my opinions. Made me realize what I wanted...

2007... Done with engineering! Want to do something now, but again, have no clue, what I wanna do! Opportunity to apply for Rotary Peace Fellowship comes up. As usual, the typical me refuses, because, I am unsure. Some one jumps on the boat and pushes me to apply. Works for my Resume and statement. She's already made the most significant impact on Friends' Society. FS is scaling new heights. Now, it is my turn to scale up with the Rotary Fellowship. At the last moment when I am supposed to finish off the application, jumps out of the boat...

2010... Getting done with Rotary program! What's next? Again, not sure... Some skies clear up, options start showing. I am making choices, and an opportunity comes up. I need to make another application. Someone again materializes from thin air, as if it was pre-planned. We connect, the work starts, it seems the clouds are clearing. finally, there might be a respite! Things get to the peak, and bang goes it... A splash and the person's already jumped out of it.

All three turning points in my career, three different people at every point, all of them playing the crucial role of making me do what I did, being the tipping points. But at THE moment when I needed them most, three of them vanished. Apparently, no logical reasoning or lay-man theory could justify the vanishing act. But possibly the locus of control of my life at that moment seem to disappear in thin air, leaving me in shatters. It always felt as if everything was coming crashing down and nothing would rise again. But, on contrary, every time it turned out to be a gigantic leap for me, an U-turn, testament of my faith in the impeccable powers of one's will! How do I justify the irony of tears of pain accompanied with the laughter of achievement? Do I share the pain or do I go back to the person causing the pain, to share the joy of the moment. The moment that they were responsible for creating. The moment, that's gonna change my life, but they would not be a part of it anymore...

Actually, if I look back further, this is not something which started in 2004. March 1999, I'm erupting with excitement of starting something anew. I discuss the concept of Friends' Society with one of the very few of my friends, my "muhboli behan," rakhi sister. She's excited... Right into it... We start working on the concept. She's taken the responsibility of designing the logo for FS. I'm working on other aspects, the invites, the program, the blah blah blah... Career wise, it was crucial point too, it was my board exams. And, my last paper of boards, March 28. FS is to be launched on April 1, 3 days in hand. Morning of 29th, and my land line rings. I receive the call, she's on the other end, "Darshan, I am sorry, I cannot continue." Me: "What about the logo?" She: "Sorry, I cannot do it. I have asked X to work on it, pls. contact him." Again, no humane reason, no justification or clarification, a blunt statement. I was too naive then to look for a pattern in it or search for a reason. Possibly there was no time to think about it. And the excitement had no bounds, thus FS was formed and the flow started...

I wish I was the same now, as then. Living the moment, letting go off the past! Alas, it is 2010 and not 1999. The fact is, I've changed. Bruised and burnt, but not yet learnt from my own stories. Too naive yet to think, life's too small to delete living people outta it. Some day, either the life will change or me...

P.S.: This post is not to blame anyone or to point fingers at anyone. It is about the life's journey and the patterns that appear through it, like Richard Bach's "One." I am more than grateful for all the four ladies mentioned above, for their faith in me at those times, their support and unwavering affection. I'm grateful for having a wonderful family and bunch of friends, who stood by, irrespective of me under-valuing them and taking them for granted. This post is just a story of my life, the way I see it. An acknowledgment of the natural powers that start where the scientific reasoning ends. Because, there's never an answer to "Why?"

Square/Circle

2010-02-17T19:58:00.002-05:00

So, it's back to square one!

I was reading William Dalrymple's Nine Lives, incidentally a travel book on India! In the book, he speaks of Karma. Rather Karma is his underlying theme... "..[I] believe in karma, and in cause and effect. An action has consequences; we are the consequences of our acts." And it reminds me of two other phrases, "Back to square one;" and "What goes around, comes around..." Incidentally, my life keeps throwing such surprises at me, that can only be explained through these age old words of wisdom. Though, I would never be explain what had to come around, and what led to come around... lol

"What is done is done, and I can't undo my actions." I know it for sure... Yet, the heart and the mind would run through the old incidents, the records of our brains and would want to check what went wrong? Why does the pattern have to repeat with me? lol

I don't know... But something seems to be jinxed. When ever I choose an option, the door slightly opens, to slam in my face the next moment. Wow, my face should have some strength to bear that time and again... Excuse me, if you are one of those who's raising his/her eyebrows while reading this and want to remind me of my blessings. Sure, I do, I do remember one and all. Me being alive is the biggest of them. Here, I am speaking in another context! I remember the medical professional, my family physician telling my Dad, something seems jinxed with Darshan... That kinda resonates with Wendy's quote: "Myths pick up the pieces where philosophy throws up its hands. The great myths may help survivors to think through this unthinkable catastrophe, to make sense by analogy." So, in my case, the analogy resonates what the Dalai Lama had said to me more than a decade ago. Yes, that actually puts everything in place!

So, irrespective of who comes and goes, in Dalrymple's words again: "The water moves on, a little faster than before, yet still the great river flows. It is as fluid and unpredictable in its moods as it has ever been, but it meanders within familiar banks."

(How do I usually land up with words related to flowing water, any time when I find myself in difficult situation? :) )

Post from iPhone

2010-02-10T05:04:00.002-05:00

Ain't it perfect.. While attending a session on media in social change, I'm using for the first time my iPhone to type this post. Technosavvy me... ;-)

That's all I have to tweet right now. Will get back soon..

One Young World: Commercial...

2010-02-08T19:57:00.004-05:00

I am sure, you guessed from the title of this blog, what it is going to be about! Yes, about nothing... It's just been long since I posted something. Not that I didn't have anything to post, but that there was always some reason not to write!

Any how, currently in London, enjoying (?) the freezing temperatures and snow fall. To top it up, a kind of confused start to this conference. Man, I used to use a phrase, "conference mongers." Mind you, seems I have become one. lol.. I have attended more conferences last year than I have in the time of my under-grad education. So not a surprise, if I start organizing conferences as a commercial venture in near future... ;-)\

There's lots to update about the conferences and my life in them, but the reason I have today is, my battery's gonna die soon. So, I'll update that later.

To London: irrespective of the cold freezing weather, its a nice charming city. I am enjoying it! Lots to update on that front too...

And lastly, there's a news!!! Wait for the right moment... :P

Making time

2010-01-07T21:18:00.003-05:00

When I was in India, me n my friends were in a habit of forwarding texts to each other. One of the forwards said something like this: "Gift some one your time. Because when you give someone your time, you give them a part of your life that is never going to come back!" Wow... That sounds real cheesy...

But, but there's an element of truth in it. The other day I was chatting with a friend, and she said: "If you prioritize something, you need to make time for it. It is the test of your genuine intentions..." She was speaking in context of relationships, where more often than not she had observed crumbling relations because either one could not make time for each other.

On my flight from States to India, I was watching some movie or reading some survey, don't remember exactly. But what I remember is a line: "Cheating is growing in relations, because the need for communication is not met within a relation." It went on to clarify why men cheated more than women, because their needs for communication were not met fully. (I don't think I would agree fully to the justification of cheating by men, but the gist of the story remains true..)

These three incidences and possibly numerous more personal experiences make me wonder about the same. What is a relation after all? It might be defined differently by different people. Is it coming together of two physical souls for mutual purpose of mating? But then that's available without even getting in a relation. What is it then, that makes a relation a necessity? For me, it is the notion of communication. Coming back to one person with whom you share your life, to express your experiences and your feelings, the sense of security that it brings along, that's what a relationship is needed for. The communication that starts with words, but reaches a level where two people don't need words any more to communicate. There's a silence that speaks to each other, of each others emotions. But, how would one reach to this stage, if there's no verbal communication initially?

What would you do if the person you care about, if the person you like would not make time for you? If there's no scope given to growth of a relation, is there use of the desire of being in one?

There are time sensitive questions that seem to shift the paradigm through which we look at relations.. Everyone seems to find there own way out of it. Could we find a way going "in" building a relation, rather than "out" of it?

Slow n ...

2009-12-10T21:38:00.002-05:00

Who-so-ever said, "slow and steady wins the race"???

Life usually back fires... Had no clue, blog posts can back fire too. Actually that's my ignorance, because any written word can backfire. And as stupid as I am, I like written words more than spoken. So, usually I am on the records for most emotions I feel while the other side is safe!

Anyhow, back to topic. Yes, my last post backfired and I was preached to be slow. lol... How people use you against yourself? Whoa.. I am not sure if it's cultural or if it's national or if it's individual, but surely it's blunt! And those who know me, know how well I am with "blunt" edge of life. ;-)

Is it always for good to be "slow" though? I am sure to ponder over this for a while. Actually it does contradict my lifestyle till now, but at times it does speak for my life as well. It is a good food for thought, but still would appreciate your inputs!

Burn-out...

2009-12-08T10:06:00.002-05:00

"Darshan, slow down..." "Darshan, wait..."

I always heard these phrases while growing up. At times for my physical actions, at times with my intellectual aspirations, at times with my emotional demands. Always... Every one who loved me, who cared for me, who wanted to see me happy said this at least once. But, I never paid heed. And, here I am... At 26, experiencing a complete burnout. Struggling to find my own identity between that of what others expect of me, and what I want of myself and what I have started seeing of myself. Nothing matches.. What were my own dreams? And what is it that is going to make me happy? Do I have answers for these? No... I have none... Cos, I never paused to look at what is it that I was running for, it was just a race, a race always. A competition of self-expectations and self-critique. Never gave myself any lee ways to make mistakes..

Today, December 8, 2009; with the pressure of completing at least two papers, and if possible three.. Drafting a few letters for a conference I am planning in February.. Planning my faculty's visit to India in first week of Jan.. Working on the FS reformation and restructuring.. Organizing personal stuff.. And loads of other jobs.. Total time available for this: not a spare moment.. And to add on to all of it, my health demands. The only thing my mind screams right now is: WTF??? Why do I pull on so much? So much more than I can handle? Bites bigger than I can chew...

And whom was I banking on, when I take up these tasks? The bureaucracy in MIT? Or the crumbling volunteer system of FS? Or the aristocracy of UNC SSW? What is it that gave me confidence that I will be able to lead all these projects with well organized teams? I don't know... Forget about the work related systems being in place. Did I even have a personal fall back ready? Or, while I am readying it, have I already destroyed a budding relation under this pressure? Who knows...

It is just a moment. Someone might say, "Darshan, you are stressed. Let it pass.." But no, that's not the case. Possibly this is the moment when I need to make choices. Look at the picture and decide, where I want to head. What is more important, relations and people or dreams and aspirations? And needless to say, the tasks already in hand.. Don't think I have much choice with either completing my M.S.W. or that of organizing this conference or planning the Summer Study Abroad for UNC SSW.

Darshan, buckle up... The Race is still on... Just the bearings have changed! You need to find your own RIGHT bearings!

American D'zire

2009-12-01T16:44:00.002-05:00

I was chatting with a friend of mine from States a while ago… She immigrated to the States a few years back and during one of our recent discussions she’d mentioned that it was her home now. This chat turned out be interesting in that context… Opening up for your comments...

DPM (12/2/2009 2:07:20 AM): Wassup?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:07:25 AM): Hows life in CH?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:07:32 AM): not very smooth
Friend(12/2/2009 2:07:39 AM): i so wanna go to india
Friend(12/2/2009 2:07:41 AM): like right now
… … …
DPM (12/2/2009 2:08:27 AM): And what makkes you suudenly want to go to India?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:08:37 AM): When you want to stay in the States?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:08:39 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:09:01 AM): one of my best best friends is sick
Friend(12/2/2009 2:09:21 AM): plus there's too much stress here
Friend(12/2/2009 2:09:24 AM): with school
… … …
DPM (12/2/2009 2:09:52 AM): I'd thought someone was Americanizing herself
DPM (12/2/2009 2:09:55 AM): Ab kya hua?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:09:58 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:10:05 AM): noooooooo india is the best
Friend(12/2/2009 2:10:07 AM): lol
DPM (12/2/2009 2:10:12 AM): There's a saying.. Videsi bottle, Desi Sarab
Friend(12/2/2009 2:10:18 AM): hahahah
Friend(12/2/2009 2:10:46 AM): what are you doing over there
DPM (12/2/2009 2:10:57 AM): ?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:11:01 AM): met frnds yet
DPM (12/2/2009 2:11:07 AM): Obvious
DPM (12/2/2009 2:11:14 AM): Would you wait 3 days to meet them?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:11:15 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:11:57 AM): lol no
… … …
Friend(12/2/2009 2:13:21 AM): i'd meet them at the airport
DPM (12/2/2009 2:13:35 AM): Not so good one
…
DPM (12/2/2009 2:13:43 AM): Had an ABCD edge to it
DPM (12/2/2009 2:13:44 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:13:49 AM): hahahahah
Friend(12/2/2009 2:13:56 AM): i'm not abcd
DPM (12/2/2009 2:14:09 AM): But you hang out with them most
DPM (12/2/2009 2:14:20 AM): And your dezire to be an American speaks for it
…
Friend(12/2/2009 2:14:37 AM): na na i don't wanna be like them
Friend(12/2/2009 2:14:47 AM): they are idiots
DPM (12/2/2009 2:14:49 AM): But didnt you tell me that you plan to settle in the States
Friend(12/2/2009 2:14:50 AM): lol
DPM (12/2/2009 2:14:54 AM): and thats where your heart is?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:14:55 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:15:10 AM): my heart's stuck in india
Friend(12/2/2009 2:15:11 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:15:52 AM): the reason for me being here and livind here is the same as to why all the indians come here
Friend(12/2/2009 2:16:04 AM): to have a successful life and career
DPM (12/2/2009 2:17:15 AM): So
DPM (12/2/2009 2:17:25 AM): do you mean to say ppl in India are not successful?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:17:36 AM): not as successful
DPM (12/2/2009 2:17:47 AM): I dont think i would agree
DPM (12/2/2009 2:17:51 AM): How do you define success?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:00 AM): why does everyone come here
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:05 AM): to earn more money right
DPM (12/2/2009 2:18:08 AM): K
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:09 AM): well
DPM (12/2/2009 2:18:16 AM): so for you success = money?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:33 AM): not entirely but its a big part
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:44 AM): and the other part's respect in the soceity
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:58 AM): society lol
...
DPM (12/2/2009 2:19:26 AM): If money could make ppl happy
DPM (12/2/2009 2:19:34 AM): It would be the States instead of India
DPM (12/2/2009 2:19:42 AM): in top 10 happy countries in the world
DPM (12/2/2009 2:19:51 AM): But unfortunately India is number 1
DPM (12/2/2009 2:19:58 AM): Bhutan # 2
DPM (12/2/2009 2:20:03 AM): And States way below
Friend(12/2/2009 2:20:10 AM): see that's why i wanna come back
… … …
Friend(12/2/2009 2:20:20 AM): i was a lot happier too
DPM (12/2/2009 2:20:26 AM): hahahaha
DPM (12/2/2009 2:20:33 AM): And then you say you wnat to stay in states
DPM (12/2/2009 2:20:41 AM): Now you know why I call you ABCD
Friend(12/2/2009 2:20:50 AM): MANNNNN don't call me that
… … …
Friend(12/2/2009 2:21:23 AM): i would go back tomo if i could
DPM (12/2/2009 2:21:37 AM): who's stopping you?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:21:43 AM): immigration
…
DPM (12/2/2009 2:21:57 AM): again a contradiction
…
Friend(12/2/2009 2:22:25 AM): see if i go back there are chances that i might not be able to come back
DPM (12/2/2009 2:22:43 AM): I am not sure if I understand that
DPM (12/2/2009 2:22:50 AM): Unless you want to go back as an immigrant
DPM (12/2/2009 2:23:01 AM): But then that contradicts with your love for India...
Friend(12/2/2009 2:23:04 AM): dude i don't have a green card
Friend(12/2/2009 2:23:15 AM): i am an international student
DPM (12/2/2009 2:23:16 AM): Why would you need one if you want to come back?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:23:16 AM): and
…
DPM (12/2/2009 2:23:38 AM): so, why would you need one if you behold such a dezire to go back to India?.
Friend(12/2/2009 2:25:01 AM): ok see if you have established your career and everything in a country would you take a risk and start everything over in another country
DPM (12/2/2009 2:25:48 AM): Yes
DPM (12/2/2009 2:25:52 AM): If my heart wants to be there
DPM (12/2/2009 2:26:18 AM): What is life? Happiness or money?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:26:30 AM): I am not sure if i could buy satisfaction with $s
Friend(12/2/2009 2:26:48 AM): it's happiness but see i don't make those decisions for myself
Friend(12/2/2009 2:26:52 AM): my family does
Friend(12/2/2009 2:27:04 AM): i don't wanna go back and suffer there
DPM (12/2/2009 2:27:11 AM): WHAT?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:27:19 AM): What do you mean by suffer?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:27:58 AM): i'm a 100% sure i'll be more happy in a couple of years when i achieve what i want
Friend(12/2/2009 2:28:14 AM): i don't know if i can achieve that in india
… … …
Friend(12/2/2009 2:32:05 AM): dude people in india work hard and don't have that much opportunity and keep struggling the whole life
DPM (12/2/2009 2:32:15 AM): What is it that you dream to achieve
Friend(12/2/2009 2:32:43 AM): being a doctor
DPM (12/2/2009 2:32:55 AM): Are you sure you cannot be a doctor in India?
… … … (@ reverse Brain gain…)
Friend(12/2/2009 2:37:28 AM): i will too after completing my education hahahh
… … …
DPM (12/2/2009 2:40:49 AM): Would you mind if I post excerpts of our chat on my blog?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:40:54 AM): They would be anonymous
Friend(12/2/2009 2:41:35 AM): why? you can only if they are anonymous
DPM (12/2/2009 2:41:53 AM): That's what I said
… … …

Spirit...

2009-11-29T01:51:00.003-05:00

I flew in yesterday, with very high spirits! This is what I had to say to my friends:

"Hey All… :)

One of those few times when I write a common email, but trust me, worth it! This is typed while on way from Chennai to Mumbai, and completed it right now… After 40 hours of travel and about 48 hours without sleep… :) (Believe me, I am about to crash..)

Anyway… As the flight was taking off from JFK, so was mind; the difference being, flight was following a predetermined path while mind was off in all directions. Something seemed different… And this is an attempt to share that perpetual smile of my face and the silver cloud! Those who know me, it is nothing new for these cycles of mine; but trust me, as I said earlier, something seems different this time. Sanyukta, like last time, I am not confused why I am in India. Neither am I feeling hopelessly out of place nor aimless. It is an unusual feeling of comfort with my identities as an Indian but an American student, living my life and understanding dreams of my family, being an individual still a part of society… There is a new found vigor, an inspiration to get the dreams come true, an energy to work on all the creative ideas I have been discussing. That emotion, the one that makes you let your hair loose, let your body go free. The desire of dreams… Something like Jonathan! Those who have seen Friends’ Society in its peak would know what I am speaking of.. :)

Yeah… The times changed, the change is visible. And there’s no scope for anymore eclipses, I’ve had my fair share of it. Hence forth, it is the free flow of life, “Like the Flowing River…” Deepika, after ages I signed my true self again, ‘Dee Dee.’ Don’t even remember when was the last time… :)

Shoot, that seemed a bit philo. That’s what happens when your brains conked off… ;-)

Anyhow, if interested, keep yourself updated with the blog (latest: http://wildebahn.blogspot.com/2009/11/my-sweetie-pies.html) ! Would love to have your comments. And for those who have been working with me, the Hitler’s back!!! ;-) lol

Love and hugs,

Darshan, the Dee Dee"

And now that yesterday is over, and I am back to ground reality... The reactions to my own email...

"Shoot... That's gonna be a tough walk, to make my idle brain function again. Does anyone know of any "brain grease"?" ;-) lol...

My sweetie pies...

2009-11-28T10:29:00.001-05:00

Baby girls…

What’s between me and babies? In general babies, but more specifically girls? (It is well known fact that I am biased…) Whatever it is, it is in those moments that I am me, with the personified innocence that I am holding in my arms!

What did I do on my long flight journey? That’s the answer… There were two sisters, an 18 month old and a four year old. The 18 month old initially started by waving her hands jubilantly jumping in her Mom’s arms. I waved and winked, she tried replying a wink. (Let me tell you, it was such an amazing feeling to finally see someone from the other gender responding to my wink. As most of you who know me, I am a complete failure in that department... ;-) lol) So, what started with a wink, turned into high five and then a low five, than a head bang and a sudden leap in my arms. She was playful, smiling radiantly. I didn’t know her language, she didn’t know mine. I tried using a bit of English, a futile attempt though. Anyway, not sure how much an 18 month old would understand of verbal language. And then we started playing. In a while, her Mom wanted her back, so I let her go. But within few minutes she was pouncing back. Back in my arms, a photo session and another round of fun! The flight was supposed to land and she wanted to sit on my laps. This time joined by her four year sister. One on right lap the other on left, we played, smiled, juggled… It was beautiful. And finally the flight landed… the kid who had cried through all the earlier takeoffs and landing, was playing this time. She didn’t even realize that the flight was on ground or there was sudden pressure change in cabin. The elder went back to her Mom, but the younger would not leave me. Rather she clutched more strongly. Time to disembark from a long journey, two bags to carry outta cabin and a kid in arms, what a family moment! ;-)… I slightly stroked her head on my shoulder and started patting her, swaying my body a bit and saying a lullaby. What lullaby, you wanna know? You will roll with laughter… “Chanda chamke cham cham, chikhe chokanna chor; Chini Chaante Chiti chatori chini gol…” ;-) But, it worked; slowly she dozed off to sleep. And then started my ordeal... The heavy back pack on shoulders, the cabin bag being pulled by right hand and a sleeping kid in left arms, I managed to get out of the plane, down the stairs, to the bus. By this time her parents and elder sister were already on bus. The sleeping beauty transited from my arms into her mother’s… :)

No clue what transpired between us, but the girl who would not leave her Mom was playing with a stranger for so long. This was not only today… Starting all the way back from Nandini, one of my cousin’s daughter who in her Uncle’s wedding was full time with me. Actually that is the most prominent experience I remember. Then came in Dhruv on my first camp, followed by kids from Tree Tops. Amongst the recent being Aarya, one of my cousin’s. I still remember the moment when she came to see me in hospital and in her kid tongue; she expressed her concern about me not looking at her… :) And then comes again the current love, my DC date, sweetheart Aarya again. (Not the same one though…) The pinnacle in DC was when she called my “Papa” irrespective of everyone around her reminding her again and again that I was her “Uncle”. What a pleasure to have a small 14 month old to trust you with that!

I cannot help but recall a text I had received long ago from a friend of mine, sitting right across me on a berth in the most famous Indian Railways, on one of our return journeys from a camp. She had sent, “Your daughter will have the most wonderful father ever…” I am not sure how good a father would I make, but I am sure a daughter would make my life the most wonderful gift for me. :)

ABCD

2009-11-22T22:09:00.004-05:00

I was supposed to write something about a week ago, but thought it was too early. My blog is about me and my life, and usually I am too fast to put posts up. But, I assume, this time I was wrong. It was not too early, neither was I making assumptions or judgments. Sometimes, it is meant to be... It's about faith, and holding unto faith is me!

Anyway, so to the topic: What is ABCD? I've heard this phrase umpteen number of times since my arrival in States. Have been using it on and off, at times meaning it, at times just to tease the person. America Born Confused Desi, that's what it stands for. And, I used it a bit too much in last 15 days... Genuinely too much, though I never meant it. But how does that matter? I was using it any way. Indian that I am, proud to be a Desi, but would not know my limits to joke. Anyway... Too much use of that phrase slammed back in my face, BIG TIME.

The so called Desi's coming from India are very casual in categorizing the second or third generation American Indians as ABCDs, assuming we are the torch bearers of real India. How true is that? If you get an opportunity to interact with any of "them," take it and you will find the answer. I met an ABCD a few days ago. Got an opportunity to spend some more time with her over the weekend. Realized, she could speak better Hindi than most people I know from India. She knew more Hindi proverbs than me.. That's just an example. I have met many other ABCDs and known more about india from them than I knew... So, why even have that phrase? Dad gave me the answer. "It is how we perceive and not how the other person behaves." Speaks for itself...

I am proud to say I rarely judged the ABCD category. But, after this rendezvous, I doubt if I'll even use that phrase jokingly ever after. Desi am I, Desi are they; rather WE Indians!

In class update

2009-11-17T15:26:00.003-05:00

So, here I arrive again. It's been a while... Have had quite a few things I wanted to speak about, but as you all know: My writing sprees. Right now, I am sitting in a class getting really bored. So, why not might as well share the boredom! ;-)

I had an amazing trip to Mexico. The conference was very productive and led to an invitation to another conference in DC. The DC conference was held last week and it turned out good. More so, the DC trip was perfect because of the double dates and catching up with a school friend after about 8 years. WOW... But in neither of the meetings with either of the three did I feel that I was meeting them for the first time or after ages. More about this will come in next post... Also, there was an interesting luncheon with two beautiful ladies in DC, that kinda was so perfectly timed, as if it was meant to be. Speak of Serendipity and miracles!

Now, sitting in class for the last week. Will be off to India next week... :) See ya all soon!

Sois Courageux: Utter Despair

2009-10-15T17:23:00.002-04:00

In the context of my "Hotel Rwanda" email to my faculty, she sent me an amazing reply.. Here you go:

"Dear Darshan,

... You can't imagine my alarm at reading this email subject heading today: interestingly I actually found myself glad to read this version of despair (as opposed to the one I had wrongly imagined).

My Dad is actually waiting in the car for me now, but I didn't want to leave without letting you know I got this email and how much I understand why you would feel so utterly forlorn. I have been there many times. Most human rights advocates and lawyers have (in fact I would say every last friend of mine has).

For me, the point of our being alive is to find a way to respond to the very real problems (much more horrifying than even Hotel Rwanda chooses to depict or than N&Z had the space to lay out) without giving up. There's a strong value in being an idealist rooted in reality. In my view any other kind of idealist or idealism won't last. You will never have the long term strength to fight for what you believe in if you don't confront--in varying doses--the barriers that lie before you.

Don't be thrown off by the "just pretty words" point. All ideas come in words, and all words can be as fleeting as the paper or emails in which they're written, but people give "the full measure of devotion" to make certain words reality.

Don't be thrown off by the enemies point. It's true generations of work can be destroyed "in a NY second." For me that means we have to be more savvy about our enemies and even more determined to outrun, outorganize, outwill them.

I know what I'm saying will strike you as more words. You will find the lifelong fire for such words in your own way. Trust that in your heart, mind and stomach, stories will reside to give you strength. If not stories, some other form of deeply rooted en-courage-ment.

Everything you believe in is at stake here: that's why I know you will hold both despair and courage close to your being.

My favorite French phrases is sois courageuse.

Sois courageux, my big-hearted and determined Darshan.
"

:)

Gen. Romeo Dallaire

2009-10-05T20:53:00.010-04:00

This is the article "The General and the Genocide" by Terry Allen, published in Amnesty NOW magazine in winter of 2002. I am not sure about copyrights, but I could not stop myself from uploading it on the blog... It speaks much more about my last post.

(26 July 1994, Kigali, Rwanda: Peter Hansen (third from left), Emergency Relief Coordinator and Under-Secretary-General for Humanitarian Affairs, is briefed by Major-General Romeo Dallaire (left), Force Commander of the United Nations Assistance Mission in Rwanda (UNAMIR). Second from left is Shahryar M. Khan, Special Representative of the Secretary-General. (UN Photo #186761))

"

Gen. Romeo Dallaire defied U.N. orders to withdraw from Rwanda. Without the authority, manpower, or equipment to stop the slaughter, he saved the lives he could but nearly lost his sanity.

***

In an indifferent world, Gen. Romeo Dallaire and a few thousand ill-equipped U.N. peacekeepers were all that stood between Rwandans and genocide. The Canadian commander did what he could-did more than anyone else-but he sees his mission as a terrible failure and counts himself among its casualties.

After a 100-day reign of terror, some 800,000 Rwandan civilians were dead, most killed by their machete-wielding neighbors. Dallaire had sounded the alarm. He'd begged. He'd bellowed. He'd even disobeyed orders. "l was ordered to withdraw...by [then-U.N. Sec. Gen. Boutros] Boutros Ghali about seven, eight days into it. .. and I said to him, 'I can't, I've got thousands' -by then we had over 20,000 people-'in areas under our control,"' Dallaire said in a recent interview with Amnesty Now. The general's hands, always moving, rose beside his face as if to block the memories. "The situation was going to shit....And, I said, 'No, I can't leave."'

The U.N. had sent Dallaire and 2,600 troops, mainly from Bangladesh and Ghana, to Rwanda to oversee a peace accord between the region's two main groups, Hutus and Tutsis. But on April 6,1994, eight months after the peacekeepers arrived, a plane carrying the Rwandan and Burundian presidents, both Hutus, was shot down over Kigali, the Rwandan capital. Hutu-controlled radio blamed the Tutsis and immediately began calling for their extermination, as well as for the murder of moderate Hutus considered friendly to the Tutsi "cockroaches." The broadcasts gave details on whom to kill and where to find them.

Dallaire and his troops were about to become spectators to genocide. As bodies filled the streets and rivers, the general, backed by a U.N. mandate that didn't even allow him to disarm the militias, pleaded with his U.N. superiors for additional troops, ammunition, and the authority to seize Hutu arms caches. In an assessment that military experts now accept as realistic, Dallaire argued that with 5,000 well-equipped soldiers and a free hand to fight Hutu power, he could bring the genocide to a rapid halt.

The U.N. turned him down. He asked the U.S. to block the Hutu radio transmissions. The Clinton administration refused to do even that. Gun-shy after a humiliating retreat from Somalia, Washington saw nothing to gain from another intervention in Africa, and the Defense Department, according to a memo, assessed the cost of jamming the Hutu hate broadcasts at $8,500 per flight-hour.

Dallaire's pain is palpable as he remembers his yearlong mission. His words, raw as a wound, make a grim contrast to the carefully parsed regrets of the world leaders who actually had the power to stop the genocide but turned away. He has just spoken at an Amnesty-sponsored conference in Atlanta on law and human rights, and he looks tired- older than his 56 years. His eyes are close set, raptor-like, but his gaze is warm and direct. "When you're in command, you are in command," he says. "There's 800,000 gone, the mission turned into catastrophe, and you're in command. I feel I did not convince my superiors and the international community," he says. "I didn't have enough of the skills to be able to influence that portion of the problem."

Three days after the Rwandan killings began, with Dallaire's troops running short of rations as well as ammunition, about l,000 European troops arrived in Kigali. The general watched with frustration as the well-armed, well-fed Westerners landed and left again as soon as they'd evacuated their own nationals. Then, after Hutu militias killed ~o Belgian paratroopers, Brussels withdrew all of its peacekeepers (the only significant Western contingent and the only one that was properly equipped) from the U.N. mission. Dallaire's depleted force was on its own.

Even as the already desperate situation worsened, Washington called for a complete withdrawal of peacekeepers. On April 21, after international pressure, the U.S. agreed to a limited force and supported a Security Council resolution slashing the force to 270 peacekeepers. U.S. Secretary of State Madeline Albright accurately described the tiny force as enough "to show the will of the international community."

Remarkably, with scant resources-indeed, with only one satellite telephone for the whole mission-Dallaire was able to maintain safe areas for those 20,000 terrorized Rwandans. But he could do little else, and the killing continued.

Eight years later, in daylight and in dreams, Dallaire still hears the cries of wounded children, the weeping of survivors, the voice of the man who died at the other end of a phone line as the general listened. He still can't escape the smell of death, the memories of hacked-off limbs scattered on the ground, and worst of all, he says, the "thousands upon thousands of sets of eyes in the night, in the dark, just floating and looking back" at him in anger, accusation, or eternal pleading.

With counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder, and a handful of pills a day, he is working to use his experiences to prevent another Rwanda. But the baleful ghosts remain, and the book he is writing about the slaughter is rousing them. "As I go over what I have written," he says, "more and more I see lost opportunities; more and more I see errors because of lack of intelligence or simply from mis-assessing a situation. I'd take a decision on the phone, and people would die within seconds. I was getting pressure from everybody not to use my soldiers." His voice fades to a whisper . "It's horrific because every day decisions were taken on life and death. Every day. Real people, real people."

We are sitting in a dark taxi and I can't see his face. He maybe remembering when the Belgian senate blamed him "at least partially" for the deaths of its paratroopers. Or he may be listening to his Rwandan voices. As we near his hotel, he says, "l always have people with me. Like tonight, I'll ask the guys at the desk to just check on me because I'm not supposed to be alone because it can go to extremes."

Dallaire says that about 20 percent of troops and humanitarian workers on missions like his suffer much the same thing, as do 5 to 10 percent of diplomats. "They are casualties," he tells me. "High suicide rates, booze, drugs, pornography, finding themselves on skid row."

When Dallaire returned to Canada from Rwanda, he tried to drink himself into a stupor of forgetfulness. He raged at his family. He tried to kill himself In 2000 a few months after he was medically released from the Canadian Forces, he was found passed out drunk under a park bench in Hull, Quebec. "He was curled up in a ball," photographer Stephane Beaudoin, alerted by a police report, later told the Ottawa Citizen. "I never took a photo. I felt sad for him. I thought, 'This man has done so much for us. How did he come to be here?"'

Dallaire's reluctance to give himself credit for what he managed to accomplish certainly contributed to his breakdown. Asked directly, he admits saving people, "sometimes by the thousands, you know, just by giving appropriate orders to my troops." Past and present merge as Dallaire remembers one day when he, his driver, and aide-de-camp "were making our way through a large population move in the hills. It was raining and cold because it's fairly high up. And there this woman was, right there by the road, and people are walking around her, and she is giving birth. And so, as we're inching, the child came out. The woman, already emaciated, sort of picked up the child and then fell back. So we jumped out, you know, because nobody was stopping. The mother was dead. We tried to wrap the baby up as best we could, brought it back, and then other people sorted it out."

But Dallaire quickly returns to the people he failed to save and to the limits of his skills. "Thirty years ago when I joined the army, if somebody mentioned human rights, we immediately equated them with communists," Dallaire now says. The former career officer has come to believe that, along with the ability to attack and kill, soldiers must learn peacekeeping, negotiation, and human rights preservation. That belief is reflected in the war stories he chooses to tell. Rather than tales of derring-do, he offers anecdotes that plumb the moral ambiguities of modern soldiering.

"A young officer is entering a village," Dallaire recounts. "The village has been wiped out except for a few women and children still alive [in a ditch filled with bodies]. There is 30 percent AIDS in that area. There is blood all over that place, no rubber gloves. Does the platoon commander order his troops to get in there, into the ditch risking AIDS, and help?" The question, it turns out, is not an exercise in armchair ethics. "When I asked the platoon commanders, those from 23 of the 26 nations that sent forces said they would order their troops to keep marching. Commanders from three nations- Holland, Ghana, and Canada-were saved the complexity of the question because by the time they turned around their troops were already in the ditch."

Dallaire continues, his hands alive, his eyes still, the Gallic-tinted accent of his native Quebec growing more pronounced. "Or a soldier is watching two girls, 13 or 14, both with children on their backs, with a crowd spurring on the one with a machete to kill the other girl because she is different. What does the soldier do? Shoot the girl with the machete, possibly killing her baby? Shoot into the crowd? Do nothing?"

"Should I myself," he asks, "negotiate with a militia commander with gore on his shirt and his hands from the morning's work, making a joke, to get him to withdraw his gang so I can move thousands of people [to safety] Or do I pull out my pistol and shoot him between the eyes?"

"The corporal," says; Dallaire, returning to the soldier watching the machete-wielding girl, "tried to negotiate his away through the crowd to stop the attack but headquarters in his home country ordered him not to intervene. That corporal is now an injured ex-corporal," Dallaire says, and like the ex-general himself, a casualty of post-traumatic stress.

For all the blame he heaps on himself, Dallaire also faults the strictures that bound him in 1994 and that will have to change if the world is to avoid another Rwanda. The institution of peacekeeping missions, he says, is deeply flawed. Even if he had received the political and humanitarian training the job demanded, the U.N.'s rules would have robbed him of the ability to use his military skills. With thousands of civilians begging for protection as they were hunted down in their homes and churches,

"I could tell [the peacekeepers] to do things," he says, "but they would check with their country. The troops are under my operational command, but they remained under the ultimate command of their nations, so. . . if a national capital feels that a [rescue] mission is unwarranted, or too risky, or something, the soldiers can turn around and say, 'No, I can't do it."'

Asked to name one of the countries that ordered its soldiers not to move injured Rwandans to safe areas, even when Dallaire told them to, the general hesitates for a long time before saying, "Bangladesh." It was the Ghanaians, he adds, who performed most humanely.

(Secretary-General Boutros-Boutros Ghali made a visit to Nyarubuye, Rwanda. He talked to survivors, and visited the church where hundreds of Rwandans had been massacred the year before. (UN Photo #187139 by C. Dufka) )

With the exception of the Red Cross, the non-governmental organizations were clueless, Dallaire says. "When they started sending people in, they kept sending me assessment teams. Assessment teams! 'Listen, I don't need a goddamn assessment team. I need food, medical supplies, water for 2 million people, and I've got to feed them twice a day. Get the shit in here. We'll sort out the distribution.' "

If Dallaire's anger at those who did too little is fierce, his fury at world leaders who feigned ignorance and did nothing is white hot. He cannot forget, for example, that President Clinton stopped for a few hours in Kigali in 1998, after it was all over, and with the engines of Air Force One running, said he was sorry; he didn't know.

Or that David Rawson, the U.S. ambassador to Rwanda at the time of the mass murders, waited a month before declaring a "state of disaster," and then dismissed the slaughter as "tribal killings." Calling what happened in Rwanda "tribal" conflict made intervention seem futile. U.S. Deputy Assistant Secretary of State Prudence Bushnell, who had pushed hard for the U.S. to "neutralize" Hutu hate radio, later explained to author Samantha Power, "What I was told was, 'Look, Pru, these people do this from time to time."'

The designation of "tribal" conflict also nicely avoided the word "genocide." Had a major power or the U.N. invoked that term in time, all states that were signatories of the 1948 convention on genocide would have been obliged to condemn the slaughter and act to stop it.

Avoiding the word did not however avoid the fact. "They knew how many people were dying," Dallaire says, no matter what word they used. "The world is racist," he says bitterly. ,' "Africans don't count; Yugoslavians do. More people were killed, injured, internally displaced, and refugeed in 100 days in Rwanda than in the whole eight to nine years of the Yugoslavia campaign," he says, and there are still peacekeeping troops in the former Yugoslavia while Rwanda is again off the radar. f "Why didn't the world react to scenes where women were held as shields so nobody could shoot back while the militia shot into the | crowd?" he asks. "Where... boys were drugged up and turned into child soldiers, slaughtering families?...Where girls and women were systematically raped before they were killed? Babies ripped out of their stomachs? ...Why didn't the world come?"

Dallaire supplies his own answer: "Because there was no self-interest....No oil. They didn't come because some humans are [considered] less human than others."

Nonetheless, Dallaire still calls himself an optimist. Despite its troubles, he believes that the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda, which operates out of Arusha, Tanzania, "is one of those great potential instruments of the future." His own job, he says, won't be done until the tribunal finishes its investigation. "My duty as force commander who ultimately became head of mission will not end until the Arusha Tribunal says it doesn't need me to testify anymore, or when the tribunal decides to hold me accountable."

There is virtually no chance the international court will blame him. The question is whether he'll one day stop blaming himself. "The work I'm doing helps," he says, referring to his campaign to stop the use of children as soldiers. Counseling seems to be helping, too.

"One day after a couple hours of therapy," he says, "we're sitting there, and, you know, to-ing and fro-ing. I all of a sudden felt joy in my stomach. You know when you feel happy in your tummy? And I had not felt that in the seven years since Rwanda. All of a sudden I said, 'jeez, I feel, I feel better."' Dallaire stopped, tilted his head as if to listen to his own words and broke into a smile as sweet as warm winter sun. "My therapist let me savor that-and then we talked. And at the end of it, I said, I think I have moved from survival to living. And maybe to getting better."

The world, he knows, has not. Without the political will and institutional mechanisms to stop it, "Rwanda" will happen again.

(Terry J. Allen is editor of Amnesty Now. She has reported for numerous U.S. and international newspapers and magazines, including the Boston Globe, American Prospect, and Salon.)

The last sentence of this article summarizes the whole story of powerplay!

Hotel Rwanda

2009-10-04T00:10:00.003-04:00

I was watching this movie, and half way through it, I wrote an email to my faculty. This is an excerpt of that email and further continuation of thoughts...

I'm writing you this email in kind of a weird state. I am watching "Hotel Rwanda" right now, and am not sure if I can watch it complete... Saw a documentary on Darfur this afternoon. Was watching "The Pianist" a few days back... For my Rotary Capstone Seminar, have been researching on the Sino-Tibet issue and watching the news videos of Chinese Police and Tibetan interactions...

Where are we headed with all of this around us?

Last year, just before I came to the States... One evening I was done with my office work a bit early, i.e. about 7:30 p.m. So, I visited my Aunt. There, I saw on the news that a local political leader had charged all the non-Maharashtrians (Out of State residents in the state of Maharashtra, implying those who came from other states) of taking away jobs from the locals and so had ordered them to leave the state. The news showed people moving out of Mumbai, at some places riots. I could not see it, so switched off the TV, and then left my Aunt's house to visit one of my college teachers. Thought I would buy her some ice cream, so stopped at a shop. The shop was owned by a Non-Maharashtrian. The moment I ordered the ice cream, I heard a big bang, and screams... Some people had come on bikes and had assaulted a vendor outside the shop. Picked his cart, over thrown it. I could not see the vendor nor did I know what had happened to him. A chill had passed through my spine. I was dumb found.. Stuck on my place for a few minutes... I ran out of that shop, got in my car and straight drove away from main road in a lane. The story continues of how I ended up calling police and how my teacher helped me recover for that moment...

My point is, what is all of this? We discuss human rights, and all the big words. But I am not sure how practical all of it is. One psychotic like Hitler led the whole world in a war. Another psychotic like John Bolton, follows his footsteps to use the same "fear dynamic" to push Americans in other wars. Then there are people who claim the divine right to rule others...

Ma'am, is it worth it what we are trying to do? Would not it be squashed by someone with just one sweep someday?

There are a few moments in my life, when I am utterly unsure of what is the purpose of this life if it is all about the struggle of existence for a few and the leisure of will for some others? These are moments when tears do not part from my eyes. I feel incapacitated and absolutely helpless...

I am not sure what I am thinking. But, whole through the movie,and the other documentaries I watched in last few days, I have been thinking of you and the class discussions, so finally had courage to write.

It is said that we are trained to take up the international jobs, like the UN, the World Bank, so on and so forth. What's the use? After studying the extensive history of the UN and the formulation of the UDHR without any implementing mechanism, or for that matter, as a tool in the hand of the big 5, what's its use? After listening to Fiona Terry and so many others, humanitarian aid also seems a modus operandi. Use it till you can, else leave the people to die...

Did I really dream of an UN job? And would I really be able to make anything work there?

Looking at the utter helplessness of UN Peace Keepers and the way army functions, I am happy I got specs at the right time, which proved me ineligible for army. I am happy, I am not in the phase where my mind would be rendered helpless by some dumb words on a piece of paper, known as "order."

I am better of as an individual, might be a social worker, might be no one...

Friend

2009-09-15T07:12:00.001-04:00

The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

-Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

English novelist and poet
(1826 - 1887)

Dheeraj, Dharam, Mitra aru Naari...

2009-09-13T15:59:00.005-04:00

धीरज धरम मित्र अरु नारी आपद काल परखिये चारी | (तुलसीकृत रामायण)

Dheeraj dharam mitra aru naari aapad kal parakhiye chari ! (Ramayan by Tulsidas)

Meaning: In the time of crisis are the (deep waters) of patience, religion (karma~deeds), friends and women (wife/partner) tested!

An impressive line from the sacred Hindu text. Diverting from the topic a bit, when I look at these ancient texts, they seem to be full of words of wisdom, relevant to today's time as well!

Back to the train of thoughts: I am recovering, and recovering pretty well! Thank you all... And this is the line dedicated to you all, who have been with me through out this time. This post is to tell you how a crisis in my life seemed negligible, just because of the four characters: patience, religion (karma~deeds), friends and women (wife/partner). If I had to apply them to this test, all of them surpassed it.

How many visitors do you think came around within the fourteen days that I was in Pune after the accident? A minimum of 500... I am not saying, it was me who commanded all this love and affection. Most of it was due to Mom n Dad and then Pooja. But, the important part is, all of them were there. From every nook and corner, from every age group, friends, relatives, colleagues, any one I could think of had been there with me. And, those who were not there physically, most of them had either written or called. It was incredible...

The other day, I visited the specialist in the States at the Duke Eye Care, the number one service provider in the field. The doctor, Mr. Tariq Bhatti, is supposed to be the best neuro-ophthalmologist in the whole of the States. And he looked at me, looked at my medical file, and his reaction was: "impossible. The improvement you have shown is incredible."

Dr. Bhatti, this line does make sense! It does help to have four functioning bearings...

Indian Grasshoppers...

2009-09-08T08:01:00.006-04:00

The time could not be any more appropriate... With the Sangli riots making news, it was just perfect to read this forward, thanks to Manjiri! I wish I could have added one of the grasshoppers version, that he gets into communal rioting as there's nothing else he wants to get his hands "dirty" with...

I cannot say this post is politically devoid, but surely, it is nothing personal either...

Sit back, relax, and enjoy a classic analogy...

The Ant and the Grasshopper (in India)

An Old Story:

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food orShelter, so he dies out in the cold.

Indian Version:

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.

Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter .

Mayawati states this as `injustice' done on Minorities.

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) .

Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for ' Bengal Bandh' in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it ' A Triumph of Justice'.

Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice '.

CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '

Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later....

The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley,

100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India, .

......AND

As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the
grasshoppers,
.
.
India is still a developing country…!!!

(P.S.: Images, courtesy google.com)

The umbrella stick

2009-08-29T08:43:00.003-04:00

I recall the trek to Pindari Kafni glaciers in Dhauladhar Himalayan range, way back in 1990s… It was one of my first few treks in Himalayas. It was with Yuvashakti, and I was walking with my batch. I found a big stick lying beside the road, I picked it up and started walking, using it as my third leg. The nature absorbed me, the stick and the legs got in their own rhythm and without my realization, my pace had increased multifold. Within next couple of hours, I was far ahead of my group. By early evening, I had already crossed the batch that had left a day earlier. And then, the batch incharge stopped me, realizing he had not seen this face with him… The story goes on, as to how I was grounded and then I had ot rejoin my group and all….

The crux is, a stick had added to my speed. Then, I had used a stick as fun element, today, I need it… Yesterday, I ended up buying one of those long umbrellas, the colorful ones. Actually I should have done this as soon as I was discharged, but “der aaye, durust aaye!” It is amazing, how that one piece serves dual purpose, when need may as umbrella and when need may as my guiding stick. I am neither allowed exposure to sunlight, nor can I judge 3-dimensional distances that well, and I hope it will serve a perfect tool. Actually, one of my faculty offered me her white stick, but I cannot encash on my partial blindness for disability benefits of complete blindness. Anyway, so the conclusion is, I always wanted that umbrella, and finally I have it… 

I’m gonna use it and, let you know, what my walking speed gets to!!!

And this is what I hope the umbrella would do to me... ;)
(Did any one say of being an opportunist?? lol)

The Minister who offers rides…

2009-08-27T08:09:00.003-04:00

This is a post from when I was in Dharamshala... No clue how I left it without posting...

Minister for International Relations of a government… Wow, what a position, the pomp, the limelight, the fan following (this might not be true, cos it is usually the “chamcha” following)… Anyway, the ministers accompanied with a cavalcade of cars, body guards, secretaries and the public. That’s what a minster is, and what does such a minister has to do with offering car rides? I had heard that J.R.D. Tata used to do that in Mumbai, offering car rides to random people. So did a few other industrialists and a few other common men. But what about a minister?

Yeah, I met a minister who did that. Not only she did it, but it was a gesture on her own, not on the part of our request or our begging. The minister I am speaking about is the Minister for Information and International Relations of the Central Tibetan Administration. She was on her way to Delhi, and was supposed to take the same flight as that of Abhay. When she came to know of it from her Secretary, she offered to give him a ride in her car, with her, to the airport. When it was not only Abhay, but me too accompanying him, it was not a wicked smile of invasion of privacy that greeted me, rather I was welcomed with a warm smile full of humility. In our ride of about 45 minutes, the minister spent most of her time speaking with the driver, rather, “conversing” with the driver. Yeah, she was letting him speak and listening to what he had to say. She laughed on his jokes, and expressed concern on his concerns. She spoke with us as well, apologizing for speaking in Tibetan with the driver and her accomplice.

It was beyond my contemplation to believe this… A lady who had represented His Holiness in London, and held high offices, was right in front of us, being an epitome of humility!

Am I bragging so much cos I was with the minister and want to highlight that? Nopes, this is a testimony to the (expected) reality of our politicians!

Mad Eye (Moo)dee...

2009-08-22T13:53:00.004-04:00

MooDee... That's what I am right now, rather I was!

They took me from Poona Hospital to Ruby for a check up by specialist (neuro-physician). Now, like other doctors, this person had a long queue of patients outside his office. Me, Dad, and bro, three of us were waiting outside. It had been just 5 days after the accident and I was sitting with my eyes closed. Suddenly, I heard a hustle and kind of thumping of feet, and someone walking. I opened my eyes to see a girl who was earlier sitting right across me, now had changed positions and gone to some corner. At this moment, my cousin told me what had happened... Apparently I was staring at her, winking one eye! WOW... And I had no clue. Cos, my left eye was closed; but my right eye wasn't. ;).. exactly like this!

Since the day I saw my face in mirror after the accident, I have been constantly reminded of Mad Eye Moody. Hey, all you fans of Mad Eye Moody, don't worry, I am not claiming any closeness to his goodness. Just the facial marks and the eye, they held similarities. Of the best of my knowledge of Harry Potter, the only difference I assume was, he had super vision with his special eye, and I have none! ;)

So girls, if you feel I am staring, don't give the credit to your beauty, as the credit is all that of my eye... ;) lol

Anyway, now that the accident is a history and I am resuming back to life, there are many such instances of those 15 days that come back! I will try and update the most...

Cheers!

Back home

2009-08-19T05:54:00.002-04:00

After an eventful summer, the globe trotter mode for more than 3 months, I am finally back home. :) It would not be an exaggeration if I say, "back in one piece," and "fit n fine."

Now, while I have a long list of 'pending' or 'to be done,' there's lots other that would demand my attention too... ;)

So, will keep you all updated, possibly the twitter format, but on blog! ;)

The Crash!

2009-08-11T12:03:00.004-04:00

Hello!!! :) I'm back with a broad smile, thanks to wishes from one and all. I should consider myself lucky and blessed to have such a vast pool of friends to support and bless me.

As it was updated, I had a car accident last Tuesday. Today, exactly a weak later, and approximately at the same time when my car rammed in a trolley on the highway, I am updating you all with the weeks happenings. It was about 9:15 p.m. and I was on my way back to Pune on Bengaluru-Pune (Indian National Highway 4), when a overloaded trolley changed the lanes to first lane. The headlights of a trolley coming from other side blinded me off for a moment, and that was when my car rammed into this vehicle which had suddenly appeared in my lane. Anyway, all's well that ends well. Now that you are reading from me, be rest assured, I am recovering well. Was discharged from the hospital today evening after a weeklong rest come care.

As of physical situation, I consider myself doing better. Till this afternoon I was unable to use my palms as they were pinned with IV syringes, but now that they are removed, I am able to type. There were a few dozen of stitches on my face, and a few internal cracks which still exist. According to the doc, the cracks will heal on its own in due course of time, so I am not much concerned about it. The only major concern is my right eye, which I hope will improve in due course. And yeah, that reminds me, I have got three awesome marks below and above my right eye, giving me complete "CROOK" looks, an irony to being a peace fellow! ;)

Anyway, friends, I genuinely wish to take this opportunity to thank one and all, including my parents, family, friends, and well wishers, without whose support, I could not have been able to get in touch with you all so soon. I do not promise that I will be regular very soon, as I am still a bit disoriented and need time with my vision. But, I do want to say that I am grateful for all your support and best wishes, and so is my family over whelmed with the support and affection. Thank you for all the love!

And, just for you all to have a glimpse, try searching for a the car in the pic.. ;)

Darshan's accident

2009-08-09T23:47:00.002-04:00

Dear All,
I am Darshan`s father, Purushottam Mundada.
This is to inform you all about accident. Darshan met an motor vehicle accident. car is very badly damaged but fortunately Darshan has not got any major injury. It happened on 4.Aug.9 at 9pm. At the moment he is in Poona Hospital. He is expected to be in the hospital till 10.Aug.09.His right optic nerve is damaged and it has affected his vision. We all are concerned about his vision. Due to swelling on right optic nerve, motor signals are not transmitted and hence the problem. Doctor has continued treatment for 2 days more and his case is under observation. We are also seeking expert opinion from another hospital. Let us hope some thing good will come out of it.
I am sorry to inform you that he may have to under go further eye treatment but exact time required can be confirmed only after 10.Aug.09.
I request you to inform to all concern persons...
Best regards,
Purushottam Mundada
India.

A Government in a day

2009-07-22T06:09:00.004-04:00

This is my schedule for tomorrow... Orientation of the Central Tibetan Administration, formerly known as Tibetan Government in Exile, all fit in one day! I cannot believe, I am actually going to have an overview of a functioning government in one day! Will get back to you tomorrow with more experiences...

Thursday, July 23, 2009 : Gangchen Kyishong, Dharamshala, India

09:30 am Election Commission
10:00 am Department of Finance
10:30 am Office of the Auditor General
11:00 am Kashag [Cabinet (Secretariat)]
11:30 am Supreme Justice Commission
12:00 noon Planning commission
12:30 pm Tibetan Parliament in Exile
(formerly: Assembly of Tibetan People’s Deputies)

LUNCH

02:30 pm Department of Religion and Culture
03:00 pm Department of Security
03:30 pm Department of Home
04:00 pm Department of Education
04:30 pm Public service Commission

the kid

2009-07-21T04:49:00.002-04:00

Shannon, for you to read...

Do you remember the two beautiful kid girls outside Grand Prince? The luncheons and the handshakes? The hugs? I am sure, you do, much more than I would.

In the similar manner, here, at Dharamshala, there are two or three ladies with their kids. Usually they stand outside the small cafe or the staff mess, where people have their lunch. they ask fro alms, but as well for food and water. From day one, I was struggling whether I should go ahead an offer them meals or just let it be... Don't forget, they were not kids, they were ladies. But, they did have two kids with them, a small girl who reminded me of the younger one in Dhaka. And why was I struggling? do you recall the debate about "feeding a fish vis-a-vis teaching them to fish" and the beggar syndicate thingy... I was unsure.

Today, looking at that young girl staring at me while I was having my meal, my internal debate reached its peak. And I remembered our talk on the way back from bank! Yes, I did accordingly, what my heart said. Handed over a plate of food to the little girl....

And let me tell you, I feel much more calm! At ease... A sense of peace!

Yes, it is more important to teach some one to feed himself rather than feeding them for free. But I feel, it is equally important to let that person survive for that moment when he can learn the skills, if ever someone who can teach them comes along! Till then, as we spoke, lets just embark on our li'l mission, in our modest capcities!

I am going to teach the kid the handshake tomorrow.. :-)

Shrawanmas... श्रावण

2009-07-21T02:41:00.004-04:00

The monsoons, as you know, my favorite time of the year! And this is never complete without devouring the taste of monsoon literature! I bring you here one of my most favorite poems, I wish I had the translation for my English friends...

When Ruskin Bond speaks of rolling the cherry seed on his tongue, not to let go off the taste, he reminds me of the lyrics of this poems, that I have rolled over n over n over again in my mouth, every time experiencing a taste I had experienced never before..

I enjoy this poem, hope you love it too!!!

श्रावणमासी हर्ष मानसी हिरवळ दाटे चोहिकडे;
क्षणांत येते सरसर शिरवे क्षणात फिरुनी ऊन पडे.

वरती बघता इंद्रधनूचा गोफ दुहेरी विणलासे,
मंगल तोरण काय बांधिले नभोमंडपी कुणि भासे !

झालासा सूर्यास्त वाटतो सांज अहाहा! ती उघडे
तरुशिखरांवर, उंच घरांवर पिवळेपिवळे ऊन पडे

उठती वरती जलदांवरती अनंत संध्याराग पहा;
सर्व नभावर होय रेखिले सुंदरेतेचे रूप महा.

बलाकमाला उडता भासे कल्पसुमांची माळचि ते,
उतरुनि येती अवनीवरती ग्रहगोलचि की एकमते

फडफड करुनी भिजले अपुले पंख पांखरे सावरिती
सुंदर हरिणी हिरव्या कुरणी निजबाळांसह बागडती

खिल्लारेही चरती रानी, गोपहि गाणी गात फिरे.
मंजुळ पावा गाय तयाचा श्रावणमहिमा एकसुरे

सुवर्णचम्पक फुलला, विपिनी रम्य केवडा दरवळला;
पारिजातही बघता भामारोष मनीचा मावळला!

सुंदर परडी घेउनि हाती पुरोपकंठी शुद्धमती
सुंदर बाला या फुलमाला रम्य फुले-पत्री खुडती,

देवदर्शना निघती ललना, हर्ष माइना हृदयांत,
वदनी त्यांच्या वाचुनि घ्यावे श्रावण महिन्याचे गीत!

- बालकवी (त्र्यम्बक बापूजी ठोमरे)

Identity

2009-07-17T07:27:00.000-04:00

I am an Indian!!! Proud to be one… This is my country, my culture, my tradition. We have our own problems, but this country works. The world’s largest democracy, though squeakily, functions. It still provides me with an identity and an individuality. But had I known this? Was I aware that I had certain privilege, because I had a nationality? Was I even aware that my nationality was my blessing?

The one basic thing that I took for granted, was for someone a dream. The freedom I take for granted every moment, is a fairy tale for millions of people in Tibet, in Sudan, in Gaza, in Somalia, world over there will be examples. The closest I come to feel this is, through my colleague at CTA. I joined CTA on Tuesday, and she was on a half day leave on Wednesday. What’s so unusual about the half day leave? The unusual is the reason for the leave. She had to go to the local police station to renew her residence permit. An annual chore of Tibetans settled in India. Every year, they have to struggle with the “great” Indian bureaucracy to fetch a piece of paper recognizing them. And how much does this piece of paper serve in recognition? Let’s know it from these two experiences…

She was supposed to leave to attend a conference in Italy. As usual, she arrived on Delhi airport, and went to the check-in line. After being in queue for about half an hour, she finally arrived at the officer’s desk. The officer asked for her papers, and she forwarded the “Green Card,” official refugee document issued by the government of India. To her dismay, the officer refused to acknowledge the document issued by his own country and she had to wait for an hour before he was satisfied that she was holding the “green document” of government of India. She was allowed to proceed… I should say, she was lucky because the fate of my other friend was not similar…

Lady 2… She is supposed to visit Dubai for a Hotel Management training program. In this case, she is lucky, not because she meets friendly officers, but because she is leaving from Mumbai airport, which is usually over crowded. No one cares as much to check her papers in detail. They see the Indian government logo on her green paper, and let her go. She boards the flight and lands in Dubai,, full of dreams to make the most of this training. To bring back to her parents, the dreams fulfilled. To be a burning flame of the Tibetan mission, by being genius in her field. With all these hopes, she walks out of the flight to the arrival lounge for immigration clearance, and her nightmare starts. The officer’s at the Dubai airport refuse to acknowledge the paper. The airlines refuses to give her nay feedback. The Indian authorities on airport do not even wish to speak with her. To add to all of this, her luggage is missing, and they have confiscated everything she has, including her purse. She is not allowed to move for around 20 hours. After which, she is allowed to make calls to identify herself. In desperation, she calls her family and the Indian Embassy. As usual, the embassy is out of reach, but family is there. The family contacts the Tibetan government, who in turn contact the Indian government, who are now forced to take action. Thus they inform the Dubai immigration people that the document is issued by the government of India, but it cannot be used in the lieu of a passport. The only out come of this is, after being stranded on Dubai airport for more than 36 hours without food or luggage, the lady is deported to India…

Are these only two stories? Nopes… There are thousands of such stories of the plight of not only Tibetans, but all those people whose government is either unable to provide them with an identity or who are compelled to forced identities…

For me, who has always enjoyed the freedom, and taken my identity for granted, it is really difficult to understand what it means to be an “alien in a foreign land”. All I can do is, pray, pray for individuals to find their anchors… Pray for humanity to find the ultimate truth, that if we all decide to live in harmony, everyone will have enough, but we need to choose to live, not to greed…

Guilt

2009-07-16T08:59:00.004-04:00

I am sitting at a Café. It has actually become a kind of second home for me here. Every evening, walk on the road to temple, and stop at this place to devour some tasty sandwiches and thick shakes. Compared to US standards, this can be an extremely cheap place, and for Indian standards, a medium range… I enjoy the food they offer and I love the ambience. And yes, they also have internet :)

So, it is a part of my routine. Finish off the days work, take a taxi up from the office, and then spend some time here serving my empty grueling stomach, while observing beautiful colorful sunsets in the mountains, beyond the rivers and plateau. I love it… Today is one another such evening. I have just finished one sandwich, but as I had skipped my lunch today, I am still hungry. I have ordered one more sandwich, while I am sipping thick mango shake, while checking my emails and observing the changing skies.

On the opposite side of the road is sitting an old lady. Have you ever seen those award winning pictures of old people, full of wrinkles? She is a personification of those pictures, or rather the elected representative. Full of wrinkles, old worn out saree, a small steel can containing her water and a piece of paper which wraps a few crums of food. She is neither a beggar nor does carry on her face the “laachari” or pity of a beggar. She has her smile, content on what she has. She looks at me and gives a half smile, unsure of me smiling back. And I proved her right… My smile did not get bigger as much as hers, I am engrossed in my thoughts. Possibly engulfed in a guilt…

A guilt for the expensive sandwich that I have ordered, guilt for the expensive clothes I am wearing and the money I spend on phone. I am guilty of my privilege, when I see her towards the end of her life still struggling for daily bread and butter. This is not a new feeling… I have always had this. While working in MIT, when I used to see the employees of the age of my Dad or elder, coming on bicycles, eating a small tiffin and thinking twice before having a cup of tea, I felt guilty for my position, for the privileges I enjoyed of bossing on them. At my Dad’s office, I felt guilt looking at Namdev and Yadav, the two daily labourers… Though they had never been treated so by my Dad, rather they enjoyed a privileged position!

Yes, a feeling that has always permeated me, through my skin and soul. Rather, I recall an incidence, when the lady of my life was with me. We were, I assume, passing through a tough time. And she had made a statement, a profound statement that did not make much sense then but makes much more now. She had said, “Darshan, I cannot spend my lifetime with a person who would think of the farmer while eating his meals, who would think of poor while living his life. I don’t mean I do not feel for them, but I cannot put myself in their shoes every other moment. I cannot do this to myself.”

Now, looking back, I think she was right. I cannot do this to myself either. But, then how do I live a guilt free but considerate life?

P.S.: the picture is neither the old lady's nor is it clicked by me. It is thanks to google!

Threshold

2009-07-12T12:51:00.004-04:00

Here’s a story… “I was around 13, staying in a remote village. My parents are farmers, and so, I used to work with them. My responsibility was to take the cow to grasslands, and get her back home in the evening. There was no school, no electricity, nothing. The life was a mere routine. One day, my cousin said, let’s go over the fence. On the other side of the fence is where the school is, on the other side of the fence is where the teacher is… Let’s go… My heart cried, let’s go… And I started walking…”

This is not a story from a school text emphasizing the importance of education, neither is it a fairy tale, where she crosses over the fence and her struggles are all over. This is the story of my colleague, an employee of Central Tibetan Authority (CTA) functioning from exile in Dharamshala in India. And the fence is the Tibet-Nepal-India border, the teacher, His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama. At the age of 13, she left her remote village in the Tibetan land, in search of education and a better dignified life, because her cousin told her so. She was told that they will arrive on Nepal border in 15 days, a guide was there to take them along. She had paid 700 Yuan for that, possibly all her savings. Without any idea of the terrain they are going to go through, without any idea of where they were headed, without even basic life supporting material such as enough food, this little girl started walking with seven other Tibetans, juts in the hope of a better life. Not even her parents knew, where she was… Rather, her mother went to a monastery every day for six months, and finally gave up the hope of finding her, choosing a thought that she dreaded. The thought that her daughter was no more… But, the daughter had pursued a dream. She walked, at times without food for 3 days, at times seeing one of her friends get blind because of the reflections from snow, at times begging from nomads, she walked and walked and walked. After a walk of “one month and fourteen days” (this is how she puts it), they arrived on the Nepal Border. This is when the pains eased a bit. Received by the Tibetan reception center, they were sent on a bus to Delhi, India, and from there she was sent to Dharamshala. Considering her age and her knowledge, she was further sent to a school in South India, and then University.

A girl, who had not learnt to read and write till the age of 13, started her education at the age of 14, today, at about 30, already has a masters in arts. Her quench for knowledge has not yet sufficed… She wants to learn more. Do more for Tibetans and for the welfare of her people. She has no regrets, no over-reacting emotions. It is just her matter of fact life story, that is what she claims.

I was left speechless listening to this. A casual ask-out, as you may want to term it, turned in an evening full of emotions. We were walking the streets of McLeod as Abhay wanted to do a bit of shopping. Abhay had called her to help us out with the shops, and she had immediately obliged. Without a word, without any hesitation. We finished the shopping, and I asked her out, asked her to join us for a cup of coffee, and she agreed. It was me and Abhay, bragging about our world, our topics. Two women with us on table, nodding to what we were saying. And, realizing the situation, I asked her a casual question, “What made you come to India?” And came the story…

I came to Dharamshala as per my schedule. Stayed here for 7 days, but was so bored and was missing home, so went back to Pune for 7 days, before restarting my internship. I proudly claim to everyone that my threshold to stay away from my parents, family, and friends is not more than 4 months, and here, I was sitting with a girl who had spoken to her mother for the first time after her escape, after more than a decade. And that was the only time she had spoken with her mother. Now she has some contact with her brother, but that too is occasional. She cannot call them regularly else they will be in trouble. She cannot visit them as easily, because she has to get papers cleared form Chinese embassy in New Delhi.

What is her threshold? What is the threshold of Tibetan patience? What is the threshold of infinite compassion encompassing the heart of His Holiness? What is the threshold of this world, where we will keep on watching these injustices around us every moment, until we react? What is the threshold that conflict has to achieve, to topple itself into peace?

Incidentally, my threshold seems very low. The overwhelming incidence already has shaken us (me, Abhay, and Fahmida)… I feel a need for a hug, and once again I remember… What did she do at the age of 13, arriving in a foreign land? Who was there to hug her?

I bow in front of her threshold…

Common bath

2009-07-11T23:36:00.003-04:00

July 2008: Me and my would be roommate, Ketan are looking for apartments. Our main criterion is dollars, and then a decent living place. We do not mind if we have to “share a bath.” The search continues for a while… My host father has offered to check an apartment that seems to be good online. The finalization is postponed till we arrive in the US.

August 2008: We check the apartment. And yes, we have finalized it. The change is, primary criterion has already changed from “dollars” to “separate toilet bath.” Many reasons propel this change, the most evident being the stay with a friend who shares a bath with his roommate!

Today: Today when I look back, I am glad the priorities had changed at the right time. Now, after more than two months of traveling and experiencing dozens of toilet-baths, I realize the pleasure of having your own li’l corner in the house… ;)

I wake up this morning and proceed to the bath, to see it all strewn with foam and water and hair. AND, this is not only for this morning. It has been a picture most of the times, where I had to share a bath. My day has been starting with a bucket of water, liquid soap, and cleaning gear. Before even I step in, I get a mug of water from some other tap in the house to clean my walkway in the bath. Then starts the actual cleaning… I always wondered how someone could take half an hour for a shower. Now, I claim to take more than that, but fortunately or unfortunately, 90% of that time is spent in the cleaning routine.

Since my childhood, the only responsibility I might have religiously shouldered in my house, was of cleaning the toilet, the washbasin, and the bathroom. I still remember the moment, while reading Mahatma Gandhi’s autobiography, when I read about his routine of cleaning the toilets of his Ashram, I was so proud of myself. Cos I was doing it (though just for the sake of my Mom, but…)…

Anyway, so back to today… I enter the bath strewn with everything I didn’t wish to see. Spend my routine “30” minutes in cleaning it, and now when I am supposed to use it… “Knock Knock” the door bangs… Abhay is under urgent call, and wants me to rush out… I choose the blog to vent out my emotions…

The dog seem's luckier in this case...

O M P H

2009-07-10T05:09:00.003-04:00

Om Mani Padme Hum.. Om Mani Padme Hu.. Om Mani Padme Huunn..

Being led by a Tibetan lady to rotate the praying wheels in the Dalai Lama temple at McLeod Ganj near Dharamshala, this is how our (mine and Abhay's) mantra transformed... Starting with a proper Sanskrit 'Hum', I ended up with a proper Tibetan "Huunn" pronounced with cupping your lips!

Now you would ask, why was I doing that in first place? Because first of all I believe in higher power, second I believe in experiencing the culture of my geographic location (which in last 3 months have changed several times), and third, I love Tibetans! Though I have been warned several times (by Tibetans) that I should stop seeing the Dalai Lama in every Tibetan, I can't help it.. ;)

Anyway, so I'm getting in touch with you all after long. You were accustomed to my mood swings in person, but my mood swings in writing are much extreme. Till I do not nail it down, writing is not my cup of tea! Ohhh.. that reminds me, I have progressed way beyond three cups of tea... Though started only more thna a month back, my tea drinking habit is picking up the speed of Rajdhani express (those who do not know, it is the India superfast train connecting metropolitan citis with the capital). So, anyway, I am loving it. And my favorite is black ginger tea with lemon and honey... And also, once in a while, the typical kattyacha chaha, round the nook and corners of Pune! Long ago, once on an early morning drive with my girl friend (who loved chai), we went to this old chai place in the old city of Pune. She tried coercing me to taste a sip, but I would not budge. Chai was a big big no then. And, the other day, with another friend of mine, I went to the same place, but this time devoured the chai! That's how one changes... ;)

Most important, while I am writing, some one has to come in... Abhay's already done with his work and wants to go for a "cup of tea." So guys, I'll see you around soon (hoping to continue with my writing spree for a while). Till then, adios! Miss ya all..

Rebel at Grameen

2009-06-16T03:58:00.001-04:00

Bangladesh kept me on toes… If I say Grameen or workload kept me on toes, it would be a false statement. But, ‘Bangladesh kept me on toes’ is surely a right phrase! If I am supposed to compare my work output and the amount of time I am putting in, it might be one of the worst ratios ever. Actually, there is not much work that I can do anyway. Most of my internship is about learning through observation. Anyhow, I never realize how I end up spending most of my time in work related activities! In the remaining time, I try to squeeze in some for reading and some for television!

So, what have I been doing actually? I have been observing the functioning of Grameen Bank, visiting field offices, branch offices, interacting with borrowers, members, and field staff, so on and so forth. I also visited other Grameen organizations such as Grameen Shakti, Grameen Danone, Grameen Trust, Grameen Kalyan, etc. Grameen is like this gigantic structure which holds more than 30 organizations/social businesses/operations in its embrace.

Today was my last day at Grameen! Tomorrow I’ll be flying for Birmingham for the Rotary Peace Symposium. To conclude the internship, all the interns are expected to write a report about their experience with Grameen and submit the same. What happens of that report? I found hundreds of old reports in a cupboard, stacked over each other, full of dust! Most of the reports spoke the same things, the visit to Grameen, and experiences of interviews. A few were actual replication of past reports. I was unsure if I wanted to join the bandwagon by writing a report that will be stacked and never looked at. So, I chose a radical way. Instead of praising Grameen and writing a redundant report, I chose to highlight the concerns about the internship program. Keep my report as short as possible so that it would be worth reading and would help the concerned make any changes if possible. I did not wish to claim that I knew everything and that what all was happening was wrong. My only idea was to highlight some crucial factors that kept surfacing in my discussions with other interns. And so, started the report!

I turned in my report yesterday and had a meeting with the GM of the international programs department. She was rather happy that I had written a report which would help Grameen with the internship program. The report was accompanied with a basket of mangoes for all the staff, thanking them for all their help. Everything seemed well, but only till this morning! Today morning, when I went to Grameen to express my final words of gratitude and receive my internship certificate, the picture was different. My coordinator did not have his usual smile, nor there was much chatter. With a blank face, my coordinator asked me to wait cos the DGM wanted to have a meeting with me. I was already in pain due to a splitting headache… And to top it, this confusion. Or, was I already expecting this, and my headache was a signal?

The DGM came and asked me what I had done during my period at Grameen and none of it was shown in my report. I told her that in first few paragraphs I had specified why I have not written about them. Then I had a meeting with my coordinator and another coordinator. As I came to know, it was being taken as a negative feedback bout my coordinator, which in reality was not the case. Rather I had thanked my coordinator in the report for all of his support. Anyway, to cut the long story short, I realized that either my communication skills sucked or else there was a huge communication gap cum misunderstanding… My report has been taken as if I do not appreciate Grameen neither do I appreciate its work, nor do I understand Prof. Yunus. For those who all know me, know that this is not true… And now, I have to put it in a way that it will be understood by the Grameen people…

Friends, often than not, we choose to keep silent about the concerns we might have in regard of the things we love. The same silence at time is mistaken as an approval of what is happening. And when someone chooses to speak the unspoken, it leads to misunderstandings… This is not my first experience with it… It is evident from the title “Rebel” awarded to me by Susan!

True love

2009-06-14T07:33:00.003-04:00

इस भीड़ में हम नज़र ना आयेंगे तुम्हें, यह सच हैं मेरे दोस्त |
पर अपनी हर पूरी होती तमन्ना में, हमारी दुआओं का असर तुम पाओगे ज़रूर |
- शून्यांकीत

It is true my friend, you will not see me in this crowd. But, in every dream of yours that comes true, you will feel the impact of my well wishes!

The untold story

2009-06-11T06:29:00.001-04:00

The following is an excerpt from a book I just read… A few lines that can leave an impact!

“He fell in love with an exceptionally beautiful girl… She led him into the world of love and ecstasy, but… [He] was extremely hurt but he bore no grudge against her, because after some time she was no longer a human being to him. Instead she became a symbol of true love and beauty of life!

… a poem by Rabindranath Tagore

All that I got,
All that I lost,
All that I left behind,
All the shadows that disappeared in the horizon,
All the treasures of life, big and small,
Nothing will go waste,
They will find their fulfillment
However much you ignore them!
“

The book is titled, “Of Blood and Fire – The untold story of Bangladesh’s war of independence” by Jahanara Imam.

s l o w

2009-05-31T09:21:00.003-04:00

So, this is my third post from Bangladesh. I am being r e a l l y s l o w . .

I had heard that the Dhaka heat, the traffic and the over all weather makes you lazy. It is not false, and I am a practical example of the same!

So, where have I been? I have been here itself. Traveling a lot. Possibly this is my first week when I will be staying for a whole 7 days without checking out of the room. It is so relaxing to be at one place...

In the mean time, I have a good news to share! finally my parents changed home. Now they have shifted to a bigger, brighter and more spacious apartment! After the search of decades and playing around with a few properties, Mom finally approved of a place! can't wait to be in there with them...

That's all for now in this truncated post. It is more so just to let you know that I am alive, and fortunately or unfortunately (depending on my relations with you), cyclone 'Aila' was unsuccessful in getting me... ;-)

Cheers!

Her Indian Visa

2009-05-22T02:05:00.001-04:00

“What the heck?” “Why is this website so crappy?” “Are you serious, I need my photos, and a demand draft?” “Why is it so tough to get an Indian Visa?”

These are all her words. An American trying to get an Indian Visa in Bangladesh!

It was a bright sunny, rather sweaty morning, and I was in the auto rickshaw with her, on our way to Indian Embassy. It was her first ever visit to any embassy. An American, she rarely needs to visit any embassy for Visa. Mail in the passport, and the Visa is returned within 3 days, that is what she is used to. But, here in Bangladesh, she has no such privilege, and she has to make efforts to get a Visa. As we have been together since the first day of our internship, naturally, I am bound to be with her.

Anyway, so we reach the Indian Embassy, and she collects a form. “Oh Darshan, I don’t have a photo with me?” Here starts the American ignorance or what so ever you wish to call it. Now, we rush for a photo, to realize, we have no details as to how much money would it require, in what currency, or in what format. So, the second search for an internet café starts. Finally we find one, and we check it. Comparable to Visa websites of other countries, ours is equally complicated giving no practical details. Finally we figure out the amount we need to pay, and go to the bank next door to get a DD (Banker’s check) for that amount in the name of the Embassy. Then the visit to the photocopier for making double copies of all these documents. Finally we head back to the Indian Embassy.

We are directed to the third floor. Straight faced people sitting in waiting lobby, not a single smile… A security woman asks her to enter her name in a register, and points us to two empty chairs. We are seated, and suddenly a Chinese lady rushes out of the Officer’s room, to her friend/sister/daughter waiting outside, and asks for change. The Consular Officer wants exact 30 Takas, he will not render any change. I am lucky to have it in my pocket and so offer it to the lady. She smiles, says thank you, and goes back in. Few minutes later, she is out with a face of a warrior who has achieved a huge task. After a couple of other candidates, my friend’s name is announced. She goes in, and in a few minutes I hear her pleading voice. Unsure of what’s happening, I enter the Officer’s cabin. The Officer has refused to accept the DD, and now wants cash. Luckily, once again my wallet proves a savior and I have the amount. But, the Officer makes the same demand again, “render exact change.” Now I am loosing it. With straight face, and staring in his eyes, I remind him that the lady earlier has already given him the change and if he cannot accept the worn out notes given by me, he should return me the change for a higher amount note. Officer is quite, accepts her form, and after exchanging a few words, lets us go. We have to collect the Visa tomorrow.

This was one of its kind experiences. Two reasons made it unique for me. One, to see how ill prepared an American could be for a Visa procedure. I should confess, I actually felt better, that for a change an American was realizing what it takes to get a Visa. If I have to put it in words of one of my Bangladeshi colleague from Grameen, he said, “Darshan you should have had let her do the whole procedure on her own. That’s when she would have realized what we go through for an American Visa.” The second reason: I realized how our people are as bureaucratic in other countries, as they are back home. Ain’t there a saying in Hindi, “Ku… ki doom tedhi hi rehti hain!”

Disclaimer: No offence to my American friends. This is a politically motivated post! ;-)

Cha

2009-05-20T13:13:00.001-04:00

I was scared to go to Afghanistan! Ironically, while everyone around me was worried about my life, I was worried about something else. Was I worried or was I dreading the nightmare? Nightmare, not of guns or the war… Afraid not of the unknown… Neither did the unavailability of vegetarian food scare me. What scared me was the word, “Chai.” A drink that I have not tasted since I remember, something that I have been unable to drink ever. And, Greg Mortenson, in his best seller “Three Cups of Tea” mentions the importance of tea or the “cha” in the region. Relations that evolve over “teen cha!” And, I was averse to this basic requirement of friendship in this region!

Ironically, though on the opposite side of India than that of Afghanistan, this is a requirement in Bangladesh too. Refusing a “cha” is considered hostile and can break the relation even before it is made. So, I faced a choice of either making friends or staying a loner in this part of the world, and I chose the first one. I had the first cup of chai ever. It was tough.. That’s akll I can say. When the first skin of milk over the liquid tea touched my tongue, I was on the verge of throwing out. But, now after 5 days of starting with Chai, having at least a cup a day for some or other reason, I am doing well. Chai is making my taste buds dance to it’s taste!

Greg, I am preparing myself for the assignment!

Grand welcome to Dhaka

2009-05-15T13:16:00.003-04:00

I need to get regular about writing, else I am gonna miss documenting most of these amazing experiences. Though, as of now, I have the intermittent internet connection to blame, cos it is unavailable exactly when I am in the mood to write!

Any way, the good news is, I experienced a grand welcome to Dhaka. What was that? Guess...?? Lost my more than tow year old Nokia N70!!! Howzzat... More than the cell phone, I lost all the data it contains! Awesome.. It's going to be after a few years that I am spending a day without my cellphone in my pocket! Actually was thinking of utilizing this opportunity to get rid of my cell phone addiction, but not much success! Already bought a new (cheap) handset, and will reactivate the card tomorrow!

That's the interesting story as of now, many more stories in pipeline, but only after I am able to shed off my inertia and push my lazy bones to move, if brain chooses to work!

Catch ya soon with more Bangla tales!

Travelogue

2009-05-10T23:35:00.002-04:00

Long time... It becomes really difficult to articulate loads of happenings and squeeze them in one posting. Especially when you've not posted for a while... ;-)

So, where am I currently? I am in India, basking in the 40 degree temperatures ;-), ready to leave for Bangladesh tomorrow. Will be in Dhaka, working with Grameen Bank for about 35 days till June 16, when I am scheduled to leave for Birmingham, England for the Rotary Peace Symposium. The travel would continue to Dharamshala, India after the Peace Symposium concludes on June 20. For another 45 days, I will be at Dharamshala to complete the Applied Field Experience (AFE) with Central Tibetan Authority (formerly known as Tibetan Government in Exile). Then, I'll be back home for 10 days, before I take off for my abode in USA, Chapel Hill!!!

The itinerary looks quite attractive, wotsay?? But, it did not come off easily. Navigating through the bureaucratic structures and manipulating people, it took quite a while, and quite a bit of patience to finalize this schedule. I was looking forward to my dream internship/AFE in Afghanistan with the UNDP and WB, in congruence with the Afghan government. Mann, that was a hell of an internship, an opportunity of lifetime. Unfortunately, the US State department's travel advisory and Rotary's strict abidance to the same jeopardized my opportunity. Isn’t it ironical that a peace fellow is denied to work in a conflict ridden zone? And, the climax lies in the statement: "Rotary would not mind you working in Afghanistan after you graduate, rather they would be happy. But now [when Rotary is responsible for you] it is not possible."

Anyway, no ill feelings! All's well that ends well! I still do have an internship that I could have dreamt of... Staying in Dharamshala for more than a month is a blessing in itself, and I am looking forward to it!

Will keep ya’ll posted.. Till then, Adios..

"दूर जाना है बहुत्, मत देख आईना अभी से
अभी तो रुख़सार पे बहुत से रँग आने बाक़ी हैं |"
- हबीब हाशमी

Des Hoyaa Pardes

2009-04-12T22:47:00.005-04:00

"Darshan, you are an Indian, a proud Indian!"

Yes.. I am! I am proud of my country, the beautiful colors, the culture, the natural beauty.. :Unity in Diversity!" The first sentence imprinted on my mind from the history book. All the history I was taught was baout how India has suffered and how we have peacefully fought it back, won our freedom! What I am taught is to love my motherland and turn a blind eye towards her fallacies.. And, this is where I miss the other side of the coin. In my love for my mother land, I forget it is the same country that has instilled innumerable instances of injustice on it's own citizens!

Ain't it the same India where Hindu's killed Muslim's and Muslim's killed Hindu? Did they forget "Vasudhaiva Kutmbakam"? Ain't it the same India where temples and mosques are demolished? Ain't it the same land where a old soul wearing one piece of cloth, was shot while walking to prayers, and they took pride in it? The India where "under-the-table" phrase rules the bureaucracy. The India, where people go missing, never to return!

For all fanatically proud Indians like me is the movie, "Des Hoyaa Pardes." If you can see it in one go, let me know!
(http://www.veoh.com/search/videos/q/des+hoyaa+pardes#watch%3Dv15652007mNzEqhC3)

I was proud to meet the top official of one of the Indian police services, that takes pride in protecting Indian land in 1985! I was in awe, inspired, the typical "me" reaction! After watching this movie, and listening to a few who have been through the tyranny of Indian Police, I am not sure which of my reaction is right? The one I felt then, or the one I feel right now?

I am not denying the greatness of my mother land, neither the potential to be one of the places for humanity to thrive. Pride and love for one's country is great, but not at the cost of reality. Because the moment I blind myself of reality, I loose all the opportunities to improve that can be improved!

I find answer in a sher by Mirza Ghalib..
ज़िन्दगी के सफ़र में किसी को इतना मत चाहो, के वो तुम्हारी चाहतों का कातिल, वफाओं का सौदागर बन जाये | - मिर्ज़ा ग़ालिब

I would not love my country blind folded, that it would kill my love, and deal my integrity. I'd rather love my country with open eyes, so that I do not miss upon the opportunities to make it better!

P.S.: This article represents only one side of the coin, the dark one. India has a huge positive side, that I love, and would ever do! I love my India!

In class...

2009-04-08T13:25:00.002-04:00

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. - Napolean Bonaparte

This is mhy quote of the day, my status message on gtalk! Sitting in my class of Global Programs, discussing Peace and Security as a Global Public Good, I am enjoying sneaking in some blog time. Ain't a class all about expressing your ideas, either in class or blog... ;)

Actually what brings me here is the discussion in the class and the relevance of this quote! It is awesome to sit in this class discuss genocide in Rwanda or United States's occupation in Afghanistan. While being trained to be a Peacemediator, we do need to study the theories and what theories speak of peace process. The contradiction is, the course does not allow us to visit or perform internships in conflict prone regions.. It is a long story.. I will come to you all with soon..

Till then, back to what's happening in class! Adios..

Zakir+Shivkumar

2009-03-30T00:23:00.003-04:00

Feeling like a celebrity.. My birthday celebrations have already started! After the launch of Friends' Society 10 years back, my birthday has been dissolved in the FS celebration. This year, when I am away from Pune, it seems, the birthday is back on track!

With a couple of friends joining me yesterday night for "Save Earth" hour, they surprised me by gifting three bottles of "Grey Goose." (One of the best I've had...) The whole day was celebration, started wiht lunch with Ahmed (the Iraqi journalist), and then visit to his studios, and then the dark evening with friends! Today, I woke up pretty late, and had my personal "official birthday" plans! A gift I gifted myself, a ticket to Zakir Hussain and Shivkumar Sharma concert at Duke!

Exhilarating... Breathtaking... Elemental... Pure... Erotic...

All the adjectives will short fall of describing the concert experience. Have you ever forgotten breathing, and then suddenly realized that you need to breath? have your eyes been so concentrated on what you are seeing that you literally have lost vision beyond the focal point? Have your ears been in resonation with what they are listening, so much so that there's no other voice heard? Have the every cell in your body vibrated such that you can feel those vibrations in your blood stream?

I experienced all of this today.. Much more.. Tabla has always attracted me, rather, as a child, I had tried my hands on it too.. Needless to say, it was a big failure, but my ears loved the rythm. Since then I had adream, a dream to see Zakir Hussain live. While in Pune, he had visited the city once, but the expensive passes were out of reach, and the the massive crowds scared me off. Here, in an auditorium of a 1000 people, sitting in seat K-104, I was living one of my childhood dreams!

Birthday ho, toh aisa... Let's see, what next 3 days have to bring.. [gifts, chocolates, any and everything is welcome.. ;)]

Mohabbat..

2009-03-27T21:39:00.000-04:00

मोहब्बत इक जज्बा है, नग्मा जिसका अनजान
कुदरत की इस गुफ़्तगू ने हमें किया नादान |
- शून्यांकीत

(Some Sher's find me incapable of translation.. A Sher usually has three meanings, the apparent one, the subtle one, and the spiritual one.. Not all can be encompassed in an English translation.)

If anyone of you can translate this one, I would love to read the same!

Khanna & Iyer

2009-03-26T01:40:00.003-04:00

Absolute nonsense, idiotically synchronous, and pragmatically irrelevant...

That's my movie review.. ;) If you have nothing else to do, and are in no great mood, either to laugh or to get serious, I would strongly recommend this movie..
(I can afford to do that, cos none of you will be able to reach my neck while I am in US..)

mouse in trap..

2009-03-24T00:28:00.005-04:00

This forward was a laughter roller-coaster... Thanks to R...

Call for technical support:

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? And how it is related to the printer?
Caller: Mmmm... Moment please, I will send a picture.

FFF: Free Food Fiasco

2009-03-22T17:38:00.003-04:00

Me and my friends back home used to tease, "जे जे फुकट, ते ते पौष्टिक," implying, free food is always nourishing... Unless you land being caught with your hands in the jar.. ;)

On our forth-nightly shopping trip, we saw a pamphlet in the "Little India" store: Inauguration of Green Leaf restaurant. Free meals the whole day. Day: March "XX" 2009.

Three students, saving every penny possible, the pamphlet itself got our mouths watering. There was an immediate consensus, Saturday, we are headed for this new place. Saturday morning, my roomie wakes up at 11:00, gets ready within half an hour, and we are set to leave. No one has eaten anything, cos it is going to be a feast.. FREE FEAST.. The third friend drives down, picks us up and we are on our way.

At the end of the road, according to the address, we land at our destination. All of us staring at each other... We have actually reached the Little India store. While wondering where the place might be, we look around and see the small board of Green Leaf. It is the same old Indian restaurant we have been deciding to visit since long, but apparently the name has changed and it seems it is the re-inauguration today. The three muskeeters start marching towards the small door, ready to attack all the food inside. Wasn't it waiting for us? Surely, it was, the leaflet said, free food! We enter the place, nicely decorated.. A buffet laid ahead.. ATTACK.. Our plates are full, and we on table.. First bite, and yummm.. It is delicious.. The waiter gets idlis.. I have seen idlis literally after ages.. It is time to gobble up as much as we can... We eat, eat till our stomach is overloaded.. While eating, there's a slight distraction.. A giy is standing at the reception counter and taking out something of his wallet. We don't care to pay attention..

Hush.. Finally done wiht the meal, we are ready to leave! And, comes the moment students are usually afraid of.. The head waiter comes to the table, with a broad smile on the face, 'Sir, how was the food?" We, "Great, delicious, we'll surely be back!" The waiter gives a broad grin, showing all his yellow teeth, and then in his hoarse voice comes the next statement, "Thonks.. If you come yesterday, we give free meal. Today, our day two.." Three of us stare at each other... Just day before we had finished with our budgets, and realized, all of us had over shot our limits.
We go to the counter, and next terror awaits us there.. The bill is: ONLY $ 36.88 + 20% tip..

Rolling with laughter, carrying our overloaded bodies and a bit lighter bank account for me (cos it was my turn to pay), we three walk out to the car...

(image from internet..)

Mohabbat

2009-03-21T09:32:00.007-04:00

Jindagi

2009-03-21T09:30:00.003-04:00

जिन्दगी के इस सफ़र में, कोई अपना हुआ कोई बेगाना
हमने तोह प्यार बरसाया, किसीने सिखाया जीना, किसीने मरना |
- शून्यांकीत

On the journey of life, a few [people] became mine (my friends), a few [became] unknown
I chose to shower love, [for which] some taught [me] how to live, some [the way] to death.

dariyaaein..

2009-03-20T18:27:00.003-04:00

दरिया ए मोहब्बत में हमनें जो छलांग लगायी
आपको भी तोह कुछ बूँदों ने सरमाया होगा |
- शून्यांकीत

When I plunged in the ocean of love,
a few drops (of love, from the splash) might have embraced you too!

दुनिया ऐ कलाम

2009-03-19T09:09:00.003-04:00

करिश्मा ए कुदरत का अफसाना प्यार है
मोहब्बत ए इश्क पर तो दुनिया कलाम है |
- शून्यांकीत

What do you think it means??

Tropical Rainforest...

2009-03-14T22:58:00.003-04:00

Rainforest + Coast + Peninsula + Gulf + ... ... ... = Costa Rica

If I have to look for any words that can describe my trip, the most appropriate would be; Pura Vida
(Spanish, literally for 'pure life'..)

Give me a while, and you'll get to read.. "Dee Dee's adventures in the Tico Land..!" ;-)

Costa Rica

2009-03-03T22:22:00.003-05:00

I am off.. Flying on the wings of my dreams.. Traveling back in time.. To meet an old friend of mine.. Excitement in the air..

Annika and Rachel in San Francisco, 2004.. Rachel is whom I am visiting..!!

Bye.. I'll catch you all once I am back..

@ Me..

2009-03-02T17:02:00.003-05:00

I just got a dedication from a friend.. Not sure why she does not wish to be named.. But found the words to be interesting..

heyyy.

sum people r stupid

sum people r idiot

sum people r complicated

sum people r funny

sum people r simple

sum people r bad

sum people r good

but u r a good mixture of everything....

cheers!!!!!"

Thanks buddy! :)

Rain rain..

2009-03-01T17:30:00.002-05:00

This is amazing.. It's been drizzling, raining since last 3 days! Just like Pune..!!

Starting day before, I was to leave for School, after spending a day and a half at home. I walk out of the complex, and feel the droplets on my skin! The sky is haze blue, mixed with orange on horizon.. Cool breeze.. The grass turning green.. A few of the trees ready for spring, already changing colors.. It is beautiful. I am in no mood to climb the bus, but have no choice. Need to reach school..

Day II: Saturday.. Morning is a bit dry. Slowly the rain starts, proceeding from drizzle to proper rain. I am too tempted to resist.. And I decide to walk out. To soak my self, get drenched in that rain.. Ironically, I have to wear a sweat shirt too, cos it is not only rainy, but it is chilly! Leaving my precious cell home, holding a carry bag (cos I need to check post), I walk out! It's been long since I have experienced this bliss.. My room-mate is confused.. What kind of a person is this guy (me)? Has he lost his brain to walk out on a chilly evening in rains? Probably yes.. But, it is worth it!

Day III: Sunday.. Raining since morning.. I am supposed to leave for volunteering at a Community dinner! My duty is with a bunch of other friends, to direct the traffic to appropriate parking lots. Temperature outside: 1 degree Celsius. Expected to dip to -4 degrees. 3 to 6 inches of snow anticipated. Sure, if I still choose to go, I need to be fully prepared. A sweater over a Tee, topped by a jacket, gloves and a woolen cap, borrowing my roommates umbrella, I am out, walking towards the middle school, where the dinner is organized. Headphones plugged in ears, swaying to the music, feel the drizzle, I am absorbed in the bounty of mother nature. Reaching school, I am given an orange jacket, the ones which traffic people wear, and I am assigned right at the main entrance. I know, it will be tough to manage the umbrella, and then speak with people and guide vehicles, so I choose to leave back the umbrella, and it is at that moment, I have chosen my day's destiny! Next 3 hours, I am standing in a increasing flow of rain and reducing range of temperature. Initially it is ok.. Slowly, as time passes, I start freezing. If one wanted to see human fazes of reaction to reducing temperatures, it was perfect day. From properly moving limbs, to a point where I was moving like a Robot, I felt it through!

And, now, when I am back home.. In warmth of my bed.. I still wish I was out, getting drenched.. Freezing.. Enjoying!

Executive Leaders: the "Companion" theory!

2009-02-28T10:53:00.008-05:00

"Would Bapu exist without Ba?" A question that I had put forth in one of my earlier postings..

Mr. President, Obama, starts his first official speech to the Congress, by saying, "My dear Congressmen, ... ... , and the first lady of the United States.." Reinforcing the locus of his personal strength..

The question of the existence of leaders, in absence of their pivotal support points.. I found a few relevant quotes to the answer in most unexpected places.. In the readings for one of my classes..

"Leaders cannot succeed on their own; even the most outwardly confident executives need support and advice. Without strong relationships to provide perspective, it is very easy to loose your way.

... ... After their hardest day, leaders find comfort in being with people on whom they can rely so they can be open and vulnerable. During the low points, they cherish the friends (read: relations) who appreciate them for who they are, not what they are. Authentic leaders find that their support teams (read: family) provide affirmation, advice, perspective, and call for course correction when needed.

... ... It starts with having at least one person in your life with whom you can be completely yourself, warts and all, and still be accepted unconditionally. Often, that person is the only one who can tell you the honest truth. Most leaders have their closest relationship with their spouses.. ... ..."

You might be wondering, where does this come from? This comes from the horses mouth, one of the most esteemed journals of executive world: Harvard Business Review.. Believe it or not, it is true!

("Discovering your authentic leadership, 2007, by Bill George, Peter Sims, Andrew N. McLean, and Diana Mayer, from Harvard Business Review, pp. 1-9)

Friendship

2009-02-26T12:17:00.003-05:00

Friendship

We have genuine friendship
when it is based on true human feeling,
a feeling of closeness in which there is
a sense of sharing and connectedness.
I would call this type of friendship genuine,
because it is not affected by the increase
or decrease of the individual's
wealth, status, or power.
The factor that sustains the friendship is
whether or not the two people will have
mutual feelings of love and affection.
Genuine human friendship is
on the basis of human affection,
irrespective of your position.
Therefore, the more you show concern
about the welfare and right of others,
the more you are a genuine friend.
The more you remain open and sincere,
then ultimately the benefits will come to you.
If you forget or do not bother about others,
then eventually you will loose your benefit.

(By His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama)

thump..

2009-02-21T17:35:00.003-05:00

thump.. thump.. thump..

I can hear my own heartbeats.. I can feel my heart banging against my rib cage.. the body is shuddering.. Sweaty palms.. And I suddenly wake up.. Shivering.. Feeling cold..

It feels like something is being taken away from me.. As if the dementors are sucking all my energy.. Yes, exactly that is how it can be described.. Something sucking out the soul..

A fear of loosing.. Loosing something that is way beyond the materialistic things around.. Loosing an opportunity to live.. Like, someone's pulling my life out of my hands..

But, now this has become a routine.. A phenomena that repeats, when ever I try to sleep..
I am scared.. Scared of sleeping anymore..

My throat's dry.. I'm still shivering.. I don't know what it is.. Why does it happen? Neither do I understand it, nor the one who understood it is to be seen anywhere around..

Where are you? Where are your protective arms? Where is the love you emanate? Where is the embrace, embrace of my life? The gentle warm grip, I cannot find it anymore..

Where are you?

You know it.. You know I need you.. I know, you need me too..
Please come back, save me if you can..

Incredible India

2009-02-20T09:35:00.018-05:00

Kamakshi, Love ya for this forward..

For all those who are planning to visit my dear, incredible Indyaahh..

FAQ:

"
Apparently these are the answers to travel queries in India; the actual responses by the website officials who obviously have an excellent sense of humour! In any case, it's a hilarious read...

Q: Does it ever get windy in India? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in India? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: I want to walk from Delhi to Goa- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand kms, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in India? Can you send me a list of them in Delhi, Chennai, Calcutta and Bangalore? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in India? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. In-di-a is that big triangle in the middle of the Pacific & Indian Ocean which does not.. oh forget it. ....... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Goa. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in India? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions..

Q: Can I bring cutlery into India? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Indiana Pacers matches schedule? (France)
A: Indiana is a state in the Unites States of...oh forget it.
Sure, the Indiana Pacers matches are played every Tuesday night in
Goa, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in India? ( UK )
A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Bangalore, and is milk available all
year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/ gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in India who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Indian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Do you have perfume in India? ( France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in India? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in India? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Q: Can I see Taj Mahal anytime? (Italy)
A: As long as you are not blind, you can see it anytime.

Q: Do you have Toilet paper? (USA)
A: No, we use sand paper. (we have different grades)
"

(Taken from an internet forward.. Images, courtesy Google!)
And.. I forgot to mention.. This email is thanks to an amazing friend of mine.. KAMAKSHI.. You rock.. (And sorry, missed you on the earlier post.. Love ya!)

Today's menu..

2009-02-19T17:13:00.006-05:00

Wanna know today's Menu:

Starter: you've already guessed it..

Yes, it is pani puri.. :)

Main Course:
Dry potato vegetable
Mutter-paneer
Parantha, Methi Paratha, Roti
Boondi Raita
Papad

Dessert: Ras-malai..

(That's all about some culinary skills..) "What..?? You are coming.. Sure.. You are most welcome..." :)

Shama..

2009-02-19T00:01:00.001-05:00

शमा में वो मस्ती कहाँ जो कि परवाने में है,
मज़ा जलने में नहीं, जल जल के मर जाने में है |

Does the candle have the carefree exuberance of the moth?
Fun lies not in burning to stay alight, but in dying for love..

(thanks to Manish Modi)

Free me..

2009-02-18T23:59:00.000-05:00

Free me from the bonds of your sweetness, my love! No more of this
wine of kisses.
This mist of heavy incense stifles my heart.
Open the doors, make room for the morning light.
I am lost in you, wrapped in the folds of your caresses.
Free me from your spells, and give me back my manhood to offer you my
freed heart.

- Rabindranath Tagore

Bengali writer, India's first Nobel Laureate
(1861 - 1941)

Ilahi..

2009-02-18T23:53:00.002-05:00

इलाही उनके हिस्से के भी ग़म मुझ को अता कर दे
कि उन मासूम आँखों में नमी देखी नहीं जाती |
- सीमाब अकबराबादी

O lord, allow me to take on her share of sorrow too,
For I cannot bear to see wetness in those innocent eyes..!!
- Simaab Akbarabadi

(Thanks to Manish Modi)

Emmanuel's story..

2009-02-17T22:37:00.004-05:00

"War Child" got many reactions from all.. Thanks! Yes, I had an opportunity to meet Emmanuel in person, and hear his story firsthand. Yes, he did rap for us, and it was mind blowing.. The whole auditorium was on feet.. You guys wanna meet Emmanuel? Let me present to you, my rendezvous with Emmanuel..

An excerpt from a paper I had to write for a class:

"The presentation titled, “Performance for Peace: A Diary of Darfur” was an opportunity to make myself aware of the conflict in the Sub-Saharan Africa. Emmanuel Jal, a former child soldier, and a current hip-hop artist presented his story from the war torn region of Sudan. His struggle for survival, the story of pain and anguish, the tears of loss and agony touched every individual present in the packed Memorial Hall. The standing ovation he received spoke of the admiration for the will power of humans to survive all odds. His story was one of the most extreme stories I have ever heard. One of the incidences he narrated was about how, when he was starving for a few days in row, he had a thought of eating his own friend, who was himself dying of hunger. Emmanuel, then a child, saw an adult in his group eating dead people around, and so, in utter despair, accepted it as a fact. The personal conflict he went through, to arrive to this conclusion, and the innocent demand to God to save him of this sin, brought to light the innate goodness in every human being. His conflict was resolved, when incidentally within a few hours, he could shoot a crow to feed his hunger. But, this could not save his friend, who was too weak to survive. "

So, if you have not yet laid your hands on the book, 'oh mann', what are you doing?? ;)

Seriousness

2009-02-17T22:13:00.004-05:00

I seem to be engulfed by this word, seriousness. Mind you, not in my actions in real life, nor in my thoughts.. But, in this virtual world of blogging!

Since last few days, I have been planning to tell you all about my 'culinary skills' (insert prefix: terrible), but, every day seems to be serving me with new topics, that I literally, and factually, end up not dealing with food or cooking.. ;)..
More than food, I seem to be gulping down the word: Conflict..

One day, it is Darfur and Sudan, the other day, it is the war in Iraq. After the conceptual travel through Darfur, then Iraq, I suddenly find myself in Afghanistan.. The journey further takes me to Bangladesh, and then, I found myself in Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) today.. No need to mention, my dear "India" in this whole picture.. It seems, the world is so full of conflict, that the "Chaos theory" of metaphysics is coming to life! And, it is coming to my life more than ever from every individual I am meeting.. From Nobel Peace Laureate, Prof. Muhammad Yunus; to Iraqi journalist, Muhammad Abdullah Fadaam; to former child soldier from Sudan, Emmanuel Jal; to today's meeting with the former adviser to the President of DRC and UN official, Dr. Nzongla, the peace fellowship is supposed to be serving its purpose!

But you know what, I had assumed that this fellowship will give me answers to many questions.. I am not sure about answers, but it is questioning my fundamentals, and as if this is not enough, it is gifting me with more and more questions every day!

Life ho toh aisi.. ;)

War Child

2009-02-15T22:12:00.004-05:00

The tears that hurt the most, the cry which pains the most, the tears which never wet your eyes.. The silent tears.. Pain without tears.. Tears without water..

This is not a ramble.. This is something understood by the ones who have felt it. When you cry so much, that the eyes dry up, never to wet again. When you have seen so much pain, that the pain becomes your existence. When, when you know death by first name, and death is what is your friend, your enemy, your soul mate. Death is what makes you live, death is what makes you move, death is what rules you. When the only dance you have seen is of fear and chaos, of hatred and death. That is when you are born, a "War Child"...

Do you remember the "Blood Diamond"? Do you remember the "Baai"?

Emmanuel Jal.. The war child.. The soul of a man, who survived all the odds to tell the world a story of hope and faith.. A river that flew against every possible obstacle.. A journey of "hundred miles, that began with just one step."

Emmanuel, who was born in war torn Sudan, whose childhood was like any other child, who wanted to grow up to his naive dreams.. Everything came crashing down with the war, the war for oil. Dragged in hatred, dumped by destiny, he found himself following the war cry, in the shoes of a child soldier. The journey from a naive kid, to a child soldier, to be one of the thousands of lost children.. Killed by time, surviving on faith, Emmanuel lives to tell his tale!

WAR CHILD.. A must read for the one who try to define black and white.. War Child, a must for the ones like me, who crush themselves against the small turmoils of life.. War Child, a must read for me, you, he, she, everyone..

In Emmanuel's own words: "I had sown a seed and happy are those who sow in tears, for they shall reap in joy."

Loving Kindness

2009-02-14T01:51:00.006-05:00

Inspiring next..

Loving Kindness, by His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama

Right from the moment of
our birth,
We are under the care
and kindness of our parents
and then later on in our life
when we are oppressed
by sickness
and become old,
we are dependent
on the kindness of others.
Since at the beginning
and end of our lives
we are so dependent on
other's kindness,
how can it be
that in the middle
we neglect kindness
towards others?

Valentine's Promise..

2009-02-14T01:28:00.006-05:00

Shuffling through my old docs, I found this letter.. It was start of a serendipitous relation; which soon afterwards, reached a crossroad.. That's but natural for a flowing river, the twists and turns make it's flow more serene!

But, the one's who consider these twists an end of their journey, I am not one of those.. The twists twitch you a bit, to improve on turns, and the flow gets smoother and smoother, till a point where not only the river, but the stones also roll.. That's when we find pebbles.. Twists and turns are nothing, but the necessary factors, to make one realize the worth of "Life". At least, it did make me realize..

And so, with renewed spirits, regenerated mindset; the emotions still hold the same fragrance.. Love seldom changes.. St. Valentines was unique.. So would this letter be..

"
My Life,

it’s been great knowing you and being friends! The serendipitous friendship, a sweet mistake of chance that we’ve experienced has gradually developed into an immaculate relation! I’m sure, the small seedling is going to develop into a gorgeous tree, n this poem is dedicated to that gradual growth! I don’t know who wrote these lines, but they touch my heart & soul... Thus, here’s a small gift for a very special friend..

PROMISE !!!

If I had to promise you something, what would it be?

I can’t promise that you would always be comfortable..
Because comfort brings boredom & discomfort.

I can’t promise that all your desires will be fulfilled…
Because desires, whether fulfilled or unfulfilled bring frustration.

I can’t promise that there will always be good time…
Because it is tough time that makes us appreciate joy.

I can’t promise that we will be rich or famous or powerful…
Because they can all be pathways to misery.

I can’t promise that we will always be together…
Because it is separation that makes togetherness so wonderful.

Yet if you are willing to walk with me,
If you are willing to value love over everything else,
I promise that this will be the most rich & fulfilled life possible.

I promise your life will be an eternal celebration,
I promise I’ll cherish you more than
A king cherishes his crown,
And I shall love you more than
A mother loves her new born.

If you are willing to walk into my arms,
If you are willing to live in my heart,
You will find the one you have waited for ever…
You will meet yourself in my arms…
I Promise!

(By Unknown Author)

Love,

Dee Dee
"

New vocab..

2009-02-12T23:32:00.001-05:00

A study by an American develops a new word for Indian "Dhanyawad".. Ta..!!

A study by an American social work student revealed that Indians used a pretty complicated word, "Dhanyawaad" for a simple gesture of expressing gratitude. So, going with the hot and hip trend, on the eve of the Saint Valentines, she recommended a new phrase for all those guys and gals, who would be keen on wrapping up the formalities.. Just say "Ta", and the road's clear.. ;)

Ta, Ma'am..!!

;)) lol

The Paradox of Our Age

2009-02-12T08:35:00.005-05:00

The divine intervention is here.. After the rendezvous with Kahlil Gibran, I have the lines written by another person, the person, who's mere touch changed my life.. Let me present to you, from, His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama..

The Paradox of Our Age

We have bigger houses but smaller families;
More conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
More knowledge, but less judgment;
More experts, but more problems;
More medicines, but less healthiness;
We’ve been all the way to moon and back,
But have trouble crossing the street to meet
the new neighbor.
We built more computers to hold
more information
To produce more copies than ever,
But have less communication;
We have become long way on quantity
But short on quality.
These are times of fast foods
But slow digestion;
Tall man but short character;
Steep profits but shallow relationships.
It is a time when there is much in the window,
But nothing in the room.

- HH The XIV Dalai Lama

Beyond the paradox.. Meeting with His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama

9 years of..

2009-02-10T22:26:00.004-05:00

This video, created for the 9th anniversary of Friends' Society, speaks of the journey of Friends', from a craddle baby, to a toddler..

(Thanks Srividya for making this amazing video.. Cheers!)

Frd.

2009-02-10T22:02:00.002-05:00

Darshan, what does the "Frd." behind your name stands for?

I have encountered this question several times, and have realized, the abbreviation is serving it's purpose, attracting attention to my name! ;) (The naturally unattractive need some tricks to arouse interest..)

On a serious note, it's acronym for my first love..

As a child, when I used to see people with title's such as "Dr.", "Prof.", "Lion", Rot.", etc., I used to wonder, how would it be to have a general title, which will exist irrespective of being a "Miss" or a "Mr" or a "Dr"..?? Eventually, in time, came in reality, my dream, my life, my child, my first love.. Friends' Society.. This was an opportunity for me to create our own title.. And, as stupid as I was, I started with "Fr." for "Friend".. There came a day, when I had to write to an American pastor, and bang came his reply, which church are you a "Father" of? Because, "Fr" is officially accepted acronym for Father.. To clear the confusion, and make the title more explicit, we added a 'd' to it, to make it "Frd."

'Frd' that stand for Friend.. Friend of one and all.. Friend of that what is alive, and that what has no life.. Friend of that what has a voice, and that what does not have a voice.. Friend of me, you, the trees, the nature, the globe.. A friend promoting "Universal brotherhood.. Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam"

Inspiration

2009-02-10T21:55:00.002-05:00

I was wondering what to post on blog.. Not that I have nothing to say.. Rather, as usual, I have more to say than I can! But, at this point, it might be important for me to consider, that I need to post something worth reading.. And that emerging from my writing skills, seems tough.. ;-)

So, wait n watch.. A divine intervention's gonna make this blog more interesting.. Keep a tab on this label.. ;-)

Khuda ke Liye

2009-02-08T09:13:00.003-05:00

Hey, don't worry.. It's not gonna be another movie review..

After seeing this movie, I realized why I might have labeled these posts identity.. If you have seen the movies, you will realize it immediately! The identity crisis of two youth, between what they believe and what they are made to believe..

Another common thread in these movies: the "trash can" attitude towards women. India and Pakistan have been free for more than half a century now, but are we as individuals free? Before I go to we, are the women, as our mothers, sisters, partners, are they free? Our scriptures worship them, we are taught to respect them, rather, we derive our life from them! And what about their lives? Do we let them live? I would not say, the story is same across the spectrum, but it is mostly the same. Till date, there are not many households where women are free in true nature. I myself have failed at times in living up to the ideal of respecting the one from whom I derived strength. Thanks to her, she made me realize where I was wrong! But, what about the plight of million's others? Why in one of the most democratic and developed economies of the world, the United States, do we need domestic violence help centers? Why the rich cultural traditions of South-East Asia give rise to the need of "Kiran", the South Asian women's help center on my campus?

Are we ever going to learn, that "she" is the one who gave us life, "she" is the one who gives u strength, "she" is the one who helps us live.. Do we recognize their identity?

DO WE???

Khamosh Paani..

2009-02-07T23:01:00.002-05:00

First of all, why did I label this new series of posts with "Identity"..? I am not sure.. Might find answer in coming posts..

Has anyone of you seen this movie? What have been your remarks? I am yet digesting the movie.. And before that, the next one is going to start.. So, I will come back with both, Khamosh Paani, and Khuda ke Liye..

Till then, on personal front, Punjabi is amazing.. I am in love with that language. Rarely does it happen in life that you find the real things as good as you had imagined. It was for the first time that I heard Punjabi for an hour and a half.. Very sweet language.. Like tinkling of bells.. I would be lying if I claimed that I understood every word of it, but I did relate to every word of it..

Jo Bole So Nihal, Sat Shri Akaal..!!

(Nothing religious about it..)

need..

2009-02-06T15:15:00.002-05:00

It is on days like today, when my belief is reinforced.. The belief in having the right person at the right moment with you.. Especially, when you are "human", and not at all wanting to be anything else.. This is when, a pat, a warm squeeze, a hug, just a word, anything from the right person is more important than a breath..

The walk on the rope gets really difficult, when there is no one to find on the other side.. No one to keep your sight on, to keep you stable through your walk.. Reminds me of an Akbar-Birbal tale, where an old man survived a night standing in freezing cold water, just staring at a lamp at distance, knowing that a lamp exists, and it radiates the warmth..

There has to be a mode of strength, hope.. For river to flow, water needs to exist..

Miss the one to talk to.. Miss the one..

crushed..

2009-02-06T14:38:00.003-05:00

Was dreaming of playing around with words to express the "surreal" feeling of meeting Dr. Yunus.. Had no clue, the emotion is going to be so fast crushed under the reality of time..

"You should be grateful, you have this opportunity.." How many times does a receiver/individual who is benefited, gets to hear these words? How does it make him feel? What is it in a donors/good doers/opportunity providers mind, that they ought to make the beneficiary realize the same, again, and again, and yet again? "नेकी कर, कुए में डाल.." That's what they say.. Do good, forget about it.. Yes, that is idealistic world, and this is realistic.. But, for all those psychologists, ain't it an interesting field of research for you all?? I would seriously like to know the psychology behind this..

What does this have to do with me? Lots.. Just because I am awarded a fellowship, and I have "a window of opening, and opportunity", I should be grateful, and with utmost humility, accept the package as and what! If I flex my muscles, and get the things done the best suited way for me, I should keep in mind, "I have had the opportunity to get it my way", now no more asking.. I am a vegetarian, and because I got a vegetarian meal once, I should not grump further for vegetarian meal, but accept the non-vegetarian food being served.. Does this metaphor explain?

Any way, "मोडेन, पण वाकणार नाही.." I remember this from my school days.. Sorry, nothing at the cost of self-respect! No one gets to trample that..

The pioneer...

2009-02-06T00:29:00.003-05:00

This had to be uploaded.. I still cannot believe that it happened! An opportunity to interact with the one, who has created an "atypical" system in the "typical" world.. An opportunity to hear him, not from miles apart, but from a distance not more than two meters.. Sitting in the VIP seat, right across from where he was speaking..

Today, I had an opportunity I would cherish, an opportunity to hear Dr. Muhammad Yunus, the Nobel Peace Prize winner. But, he is much beyond that award, it his his life, that speaks of himself!

And yes, I got a copy of his book too, signed by him personally.. Second of my possessions, that would be really tough to give away.. The first being the book signed by His Holiness the Dalai Lama!

I will be back with lots about this morning.. Till then, adios..

Women are..

2009-02-04T11:17:00.002-05:00

Ohh mann, this blog was getting so serious! Mind you, my life's much better.. The "Ohh mann" proves that.. ;)..

I am sure, all guys would agree to what's coming next, @ one of the, or the, most important factor of our lives: Women... And, for my "women" friends, I have not written this, so please spare me of the rod.. ;).. Enjoy..

WOMEN ARE COMPLEX CREATURES…!

If you praise her,
She thinks you are lying;
If you don’t,
You are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes,
You are a wimp;
If you don’t,
You are not understanding.

If you visit her often,
She thinks you are boring;
If you don’t,
She accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well dressed,
She says you are a playboy;
If you don’t,
You are a dull boy.

If you are jealous,
She says its bad;
If you don’t,
She thinks you do not love her.

If you kiss her,
You are not a gentleman;
If you don’t,
You are not a man.

If you attempt a romance,
She says you don’t respect her;
If you don’t,
She thinks you do not like her.

If you are a minute late,
She complains it’s hard to wait;
If she is late,
She says that’s a girl’s way.

If you visit another men,
You are not putting in “quality time”;
If she is visited by another women,
“Oh, it’s natural, we are girls!”

If you kiss her once in a while,
She professes you are cold;
If you kiss her often,
She yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
You lack ethics;
If you do,
She thinks it’s just one of men’s tactics for seduction.

If you stare at another woman,
She accuses you of flirting;
If she is stared by other men,
She says that they are just admiring.

If you talk,
She wants you to listen;
If you listen,
She wants you talk.

In short :
So simple, yet so COMPLEX…
So weak, yet so POWERFUL…
So confusing, yet so DESIRABLE…
So damning, yet so WONDERFUL…

………………WOMEN!

normal day..

2009-02-01T03:02:00.003-05:00

It was a normal day.. Nothing much that happened.. But, these are the days that count the most! The two most significant events of the day were: I wished I had a big stomach so that I could eat as much as I wished (the food at the Indian restaurant was really good, especially fruit custard).. Second, just finished watching "Born in brothels.." (I would rather keep silent about it, and leave it upto you to watch it..)

As at the end of every day, at the end of this normal day too..

Tricia

2009-01-30T17:11:00.005-05:00

Hey, this is for you! Rather, for the child in you..

Whenever we discuss our childhood, a nostalgia grips us.. Let someone ask us to speak about it, and we cannot stop speaking..

Below is one of the most famous Indian 'ghazal', a kind of oriental lyric, and usually passionate erotic poetry, written in recurring rhymes.. This one is about the innocent child we have in each of us, and the rains, and the childhood stories..

In India, we have three distinct seasons, monsoons being one of them. One of the most beautiful season, children enjoy it the most. You will find streams of water flowing alongside the roads, small children making paper boats and floating them in these streams.. Jumping in the puddles.. Splashing water on each other.. The heart in every child is alive.. The pure innocent souls absorb every bit of the heavenly pourings.. And these rains have been written about the most, in Indian poems, movies, articles, emotions, every where..

This song, trickles around the rains, but wraps you in its warm embrace of childhood love and affection, the fairy tales, the dunes, the memoirs that provide us the oasis in much needed times..

Link to the video of live performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPQk2CMIKJE

I found this translation online, from the original URDU version.. Translation taken from http://albaal.blogspot.com/2007/02/my-little-paper-boat-woh-kagaz-ki.html

"Woh Kagaz ki Kashti - The little paper boat

Do take my gold, and my fame, if you must
You can have my youth if you so do will
But do give me back my childhood showers
My little paper boat, the fresh rain's thrill

Do take my gold, and my fame, if you must
You can have my youth if you so do will
But do give me back my childhood showers
My little paper boat, the fresh rain's thrill

My little paper boat, the fresh rain's thrill

She, who, lived here as old as the road
She, whom we children, called granny
She, who wrapped fairies in sweet songs
She, whose wrinkles of years so many
And who, try as much, could forget them
Her fresh long tales filling nights so tiny

My little paper boat, the fresh rain's thrill

To walk out in the scorching heat
To larks and those jays and chasing butterflies
We'd marry our dolls and fight over it
High in our swings jumping far from watchful eyes

And those little trinkets of copper and bark
Those deep scarlet marks of broken bangles and cries

My little paper boat, the fresh rain's thrill

To drag our feet over smooth high dunes
A castle here, a hillock there
Our innocence filling every picture and tune
Our life of toys and dreams
In a world of joy, relations none did prune

Wasn't it beautiful, that life of ours?"

(Thanks to Al-Baal Cafe)

Ba

2009-01-30T02:57:00.003-05:00

The same thoughts lead me to another question.. But, this time it is abstract, though related.. Would Gandhi exist without Kasturba? Would Bapu exist without Ba? What if she would have left him right at the first instance in South Africa?

Didn’t I say in a couple of posts back: Behind every successful man, there is a woman..??

I never read Gandhi, though I have a lot of his books in my collection.. I never saw any movie of his complete, till an hour back.. I never met a Gandhian who preached Gandhi.. But, all this while, I never imagined Gandhi as singular.. The image was always accompanied by this subdued figure walking along..

Excuse me for a bit, did I use the word subdued? I assume I did.. And why so? What makes me think of it that way?

“You are just a human, it is tough for you.. More so, tough for us, for those who do not wish to be anywhere as good as you desire to be..” (Kasturba to Gandhi, the first instance in South Africa)

This speaks of it all.. But, still, another question.. Was Gandhi trying to be good? Or right? Or puritanical? And, if so, in whose eyes? No where am I attempting a doubt at the figure of millennium.. I am making an effort to understand the male-female chemistry. .The chemistry beyond the testosterone and estrogen.. The chemistry, that gives the man the strength to face the outside world, and his own inside world too..

But then, where does this strength exist for the Dalai Lama or for Dr. Kalam? Or for Gandhiji himself, after the Agakhan palace?

As of now, Richard Bach comes to help again, though not too satisfying.. I am trying to remember a quote by Paolo Coelho.. But till I find it.. Here’s what Bach has to say about it..

“I want to be very close to someone I respect and admire and have somebody who feels the same way about me. “ [that gives a meaning to my existence, strength to life..]

Who am I?

2009-01-30T02:52:00.002-05:00

The doubt is not of his existence, the doubt is of the fact that how was that possible, in flesh and blood.. The despair is not about all the questions to him, the despair is about my own existence.. The dilemma has nothing to do with him, it is my dilemma: Who am I?

Am I the Darshan, the world knows? Am I the Dee Dee I love? Am I the Dee loved by the one? Or, am I still searching for an identity? And, if I am all of this, then again, who am I?

As a child, I grew up, pretty sure of what I wanted to be.. Then came a phase, I entered the life of experimentation.. Trials and errors.. Burning hands and tasting bitter-sweet aroma of actuality.. Played around with life, found myself in muddy grounds, on hard rocks, in deep waters, on lashing waves.. “Let the river flow”, that’s what I always said.. That’s what I always lived.. Then, why and what makes me think so much? To ask for vodka on rocks and raise a toast of wine, but still say water, whenever asked for my favorite drink.. What is it that made me suddenly stop the American dance on Saturday night and walk out in chilly cold for an hour? What prompts me to be a protagonist? To break all the societal norms and be involved in everything that was supposedly not meant to be, and still not able to involve myself 100%.. Stopping myself just before I took steps, not once, twice, but umpteen number of times.. Why? Why? Why?

I have always struggled between two identities.. One of being myself.. One of being accepted within the people I wanted.. The third phase came in, when I was myself because of someone else, but could not value the same.. Why has it been always a tight rope walk?? By the time the soul re-search starts, why is it ONLY me again? And, when I make choices, the ‘tug-of-war’ starts, and I find myself being dragged from one sphere to another.. And the third dimension to it is, something that I don’t even know how to express.. But for sure, none of these give answers, they just add on to questions..

Richard Bach simply replies..

“The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change. “

And, do I really want answer to every question?

“You don't want a million answers as much as you want a few forever questions. The questions are diamonds you hold in the light. Study a lifetime and you see different colors from the same jewel.” (Richard Bach)

Irony

2009-01-30T02:48:00.003-05:00

A packet of chips, relaxed on a couch, chit-chatting with a friend, relishing a sandwich, eyes staring at the screen.. Perfect movie mood.. Red wine adding to the ambience.. And that toast of red wine is the irony.. Irony, because the day is: Martyr’s day, and the movie to which we raise our toast is: Gandhi (by Richard Attenborough).. The person, who never even allowed the smell of wine close by.. The person who led his life on principles, experimenting every bit of it.. Drawing closely upon his experiences, the picture of reality! Attracted by the worldly possessions, but judiciously thinking over them, to arrive to the decision of ultimate abdication; not to be a hero of ‘tyaaga’ or sacrifice, but to live up to what his life had proven to him. I find this itself an irony.. A life that is gifted to us once, says the same Indian mythology, the one that claims you give it up.. And, here was this man, who lived this irony in perfect sense, and proved, it was not a myth, but a realm of puritan existence!

Was he flawless? Was he gifted? Didn’t he have dilemmas? How did he live through? OR, as Einstein put it for my generation: Did he ever exist?

I am at split ends.. It is a question I need to answer for myself.. In the state of despair, in his words: “When I despair, I remember, that all through the history, the way of truth and love has always won..”

conclusion

2009-01-27T17:09:00.003-05:00

Now that the Saturday night trivia comes to an end, I am supposed to complete the story..

There's not much to it after the realization. The realization leads to a desire to confess and let go off the negativity, not only with the individual, but with any and everyone whom I might have coerced in the "not so good" conversations.. That's it..

I had read this author in Marathi, Mr. V. P. Kale, and he started his book with an interesting paragraph. He said: "People write autobiographies to tell the world how much they suffered because of others. Imagine if everyone wrote about there sufferings cos of you, that one never mentions in autobiography.. So, I'll never write a lame story of suffering.." Not that I am thinking of an autobiography (that's hilarious), but the way my achievements have been acknowledged, recognized, and applauded, it is necessary that I accept my fallacies as well. Not only to the individuals of whom I might be guilty, but to all those, whom I might hold certain perceptions to!

And the thought that I am reading while writing this is: "Imperfection is what makes us interesting to others.." I don't know about others, but imperfection has made me interesting to myself, granting opportunities to improve!

Over and out.. :)

the outcome

2009-01-27T16:55:00.003-05:00

Finally.. After the Saturday night trivia, return at 04:00 a.m. followed by a discussion, and then an elaborate chat yesterday, I have reached to a conclusion that I am conservative liberal!

I do not know what that means.. Nor it is political in context here.. It is all about the thoughts and the way I function! Mom of a friend of mine had used this phrase: "विदेसी बोटल, देसी शराब!".. It means, Indian wine in an imported bottle! Metaphor for mind-body co-existence! It was used for someone, who appeared to be outright outgoing and western, in Indian context, but was purely eastern by thinking. I always thought, I was completely western in thinking.. But to my realization, I am as similar to the bottle-wine comparison..

That was some soul searching.. phew.. ;-) But surely, it does resolves a haze around lot of confusing traits I have been wondering about myself..!! Some complicated soul that I am.. ;-)

Emotions..

2009-01-25T12:26:00.005-05:00

If it would not had been for last night, possibly my last post would have continued further today.. The last night being propped in, I am gonna take a while before I sort out.. That to which I relate, and that to which I am alien..

Incidentally, I find the following two creations, that, as of now, resonate with the turnover in my mind.. Metta, lots to discuss! :)

हम कहाँ जायेंगे जज़्बात का शीशा लेकर
लफ़्ज़ पत्थर का तो हर शख़्स चला देता है|
- एन. पी. बजाज

(Where do we take these feelings, fragile as glass; each person deals in flint sharp words.. - N. P. Bajaj)

दूर जाना है बहुत्, मत देख आईना अभी से
अभी तो रुख़सार पे बहुत से रँग आने बाक़ी हैं|
- हबीब हाशमी

(You have many miles to go, do not glance at the mirror now; Your cheeks will turn several colours before you are through.. Habib Hashmi)

the failure..

2009-01-25T11:04:00.002-05:00

.. My mind is back in time..

A time when I am in a similar position.. Not actually.. A some what related position.. I had refused to understand the gesture.. I had refused to acknowledge the free spirit, that I used to adore the most. I was being impossible! Not only then, but there is a list of innumerable incidences, when I refused the trust and understanding, a relation deserves.

I used to be granted a lee-way of scoring less in academics, with a statement from Dad: "I don't mind you scoring a few percent less, but I would be disappointed to see you fail as human.."

And, I failed.. At a point of time, as human, I failed..

Experiential learning, is that what it is called, when you learn from your own failures?

The story..

2009-01-24T16:38:00.007-05:00

"What's the real story??"

I am surprised that there are friends keeping a track of this blog.. Hmmm.. But, there's no story! It might be, that experiences over several incidences, have lead to the change of perspective, but that's all about it!

The transition started long back, realization dawned pretty late. I assume, I've always been a slow learner.. The latest trigger was, just before I left for India in December..

Those few days were the terrible days of my stay in US. Disturbed hours, sleepless nights, haunting dreams, a horrible hollowness in stomach.. It was an emotion, you would not want to feel. Was counting every moment, just to get back.. Get back where? I had no answer.. I didn't want to go back to India.. I didn't want to be here.. I didn't know what I wished to do.. Somehow, pushed every moment, till the time when I had to go for my final exam.. After more than 72 hours without sleep, I land up in that examination hall, scribble on that paper, and walk out. Head home for a cold shower, and then, I need to get ready to go for a mandatory evening, the annual ball of my school..

Heading down the ally of the ball room, into the hall, all "decked up" (that's what my cohort said..), it was a "sheek" look outside, but chaos of emotions inside me! To my surprise, the evening turns out to be great for me, full of laughter and light moments. The ball's over, and we all decide to head on to a bar; to drink, to let our foot loose..

Dim lights, close bunch of friends, lots of people, surmounting chatter, all accompanied with awesome live band. The evening was being shaped perfect, till a moment when something started sinking again, mind started wandering, expressions becoming gloomy.. And, and in this transient emotion, a friend coerced me to the dance floor. It was long time since I had let off my body, just let go off myself.. I am on the floor, a few other people are on the floor too, so is this friend and her boy friend, all enjoying the guitar, and tapping to the beats of the drums. Into this mood, getting absorbed by the music, the energy, the flow of the time; I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look up, and there she is, asking me for a dance. What a pleasure, the evening peak: dance with a beautiful lady. We sway, we move, and I realize, her boy friend is dancing alone. (me) "Hey, don't you think you should be dancing with him instead of me?" (she) "No! Rather, he suggested that I dance with you, cos you are alone here, but we have each other, and will be dancing together later."

................................. My mind is blank. A simple gesture according to her, had made me realize the biggest thing of my life! A boom rang had just hit me.. I was caught unawares.. That moment had changed everything.. That moment made me realize what the emptiness was.. What the fear and the chaos was.. it was at that moment, that I came to terms with my worst mistake, a failure, a loss..

Behind every successful man, there is a woman..

2009-01-20T14:09:00.009-05:00

(...continues from the previous post.. the day)

On the day, I sway my hand while walking on the road, and.. I have this ball of white snow, nothing less than fur.. It's a feeling, beyond words.. To feel that fresh creation of nature, and hold it..

I walk in the school, move in to the auditorium.. They are going to show the day, on the big screen.. People slowly start pouring in.. But, I am unaware of any and every one.. I am engrossed in what's happening on that screen. A simpleton, a man who cam from rags of Africa, is going to be sworn in as the most powerful human being! The whole world is watching.. The, "Yes, we can" dream is going to manifest itself in reality in few moments.. All the who's who of the world are crowded on that small patio.. And a melodious symphony starts.. It is a tribute to the change, tribute to new hope and new life.. 5 minutes to noon.. Count down begins.. Symphony is still playing.. AND.. in a few moments, the mike blurrs, and there is an announcement: "Though Mr. Barack Obama has not yet taken the Oath, according to the constitution of the United States of America, he is officially the 44th President of the United States of America.." The Symphony rises to its peak.. The Camera's focus on the brand new, Mr. President, to catch his sheepish smile.. And.. And, there's a small hand that comes from behind, and pats his shoulder.. The hand of Michelle Obama, the First Lady!

The tears meet the smile.. It is a moment to be cherished for ever, not only because of what I am seeing, but because, my mind is back in memoirs.. Around 3 years back.. 26th January.. Climbing down those stairs, with a multitude of emotions playing in my mind. And a hand comes from behind, holds my arm, and there's a gentle pressure!

What's similar? Me and Obama? Not in my dreams.. Then what? It is the understanding palm.. The soothing touch, that drives a man! It is easy to be ambitious, and dream high, but, unless you have that warm understanding palm, that holds you at the right moment, every thing seems difficult to achieve! The palm, that says, "Yes, I know what is happening in your mind. I am there with you.." That one gesture of the First Lady, might have given Mr. President the support and warmth needed for the moment, the strength and the will power he might need, to run not only the States, but the globe!

Back to me, yes.. that is what that gentle squeeze gave me then! And till date, in my moments of despair, it is the memory of that gentle squeeze, that still gives me a power to move, to go ahead.. All through the time, all through this day, through every moment of the day, today, I have had a sublime memory of an individual, who helped me to be me, and who still, helps me live..

Yes, behind every successful man, there is a woman..

The congruence of the things happening on screen, and my memory, dawn upon me, the fact.. The fact that I might meet many more in my life, I might like a few, but I loved one, and I would ever do.. It is that one squeeze, that will get me through, let alone the yester-years, but the future too.. I love you..!

the day..

2009-01-20T14:02:00.006-05:00

The day, when history is made.. The day, when dreams are awakened.. The day, when American life takes re-birth.. The day, when an Afro-American is to be sworn in as the World's Supreme Power..!

I woke up this morning, pulled over my window panes.. And.. It was a blanket of white on ever where.. Trees were covered in layers of white.. The wind playing with white pecks.. It was snow.. The most awaited day at Chapel Hill.. The only day of the year, when it snows..!

The day, full of bright Sun, the grey hues of clouds, the whiteness of snow, and the beautiful cheering colours of rainbow.. The way, when tears meet the broad smile, and the confluence creates a sense of pleasure, that is known only to those who have fealt it..

Today, is the day.. the day..

(Read about it, in the next post..)

On Children

2009-01-19T23:28:00.002-05:00

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And He said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

- Kahlil Gibran