Day 11: Session 1 of Counseling

Friday, Jul. 2

Didn't realise, how high the demand for psychologists is, until I had to look for one myself! It took me a few days to find a "good" one, and then a few more to get on his calendar. The earliest opening he had was 3 weeks ahead, until last evening, when someone cancelled for today, and he took me in. All of this was entertained, only after I paid up in full, in advance, the day my 3 week appointment was scheduled.

Neel's birth was a reckoning of sorts, towards the institutional discrimination our medical system is prone to. For someone like me, a person with resources, means and network, Neel's initial few days were tough, to say the least. I cannot imagine what happens to anyone who has either of the triage missing, let alone someone who has neither. No wonder, addressing mental health issues is considered a luxury. How can one afford the time, energy and most importantly, the money?

Any how, moving back to my reality.. The Psychologist I spoke to did not give me any diagnostic test (as demanded by the Psychiatrist), but did run through a conversation to arrive at a primary conclusion: anxiety, with borderline depression.

Anxiety, I do believe, no second thoughts..

But, me and depression? Seriously? I don't feel like it.. I'm functioning well enough, rather "high functioning", in terms of the psychologist himself. I'm doing everything I ought to do, and more. I'm NOT curled up in a bed, crying, literally and in head. Neither have I given up on life, rather I look forward to it. So, what's this depression all about?

Have you heard of stages of Cancer? Very rarely cancer is detected in the first stage, because the victim herself or himself is not aware of the disease, there's rarely any physical symptom. As I work with a cancer hospital, we see many patients who actually come after cancer has crossed the "curable stage", because that's when they see the symptoms.

I think depression is just like that.. We are not aware of the depression creeping in, until we reach a tipping point. We live perfectly happy life, go on about our day to day stuff, and then suddenly, one day, an episode pushes us into a spiral. That's the moment when depression props up its ugly head. More often than not, we brush it off as a mere episode, or more commonly, an "over-reaction". It is about recognising that moment, that it is NOT an over-reaction, giving ourselves the space to feel what we do in that moment, and letting not other's thoughts of "how good our life is" influence that emotion.

It was some tough, life altering decisions I had to take (and the realisation that I had to live with the consequences, forever) that led to the eruption of the volcano for me. I did not realise what it was, but I knew something was going on. That's when I sought help.. And, to my amusement, I have signs of something as serious as depression. It was hiding in plain sight, depicted through my sleep pattern, through my behaviour, through my food habits.. It just required a trained eye to look at it and call it out for what it is.

I hope anyone who is struggling out there, finds that courage, even if it is to reach out to me and have a conversation! I'm always available..

Day 1: The Coming Out!

 June 22, 2021 - 1156 hrs. - I am at the door, as usual, before time. 

"Excuse me, I have an appointment.. Sir called me at 12."

The lady did not even look up, she pointed to an empty chair.. 

I hate waiting, specially at the clinics. Come on, why can't doctors' put up a proper appointment system? Usually, I'd walk out after 10 minutes wait, don't care who's the meeting with, 'pl stick to time'! But, not today.. The doc had told me in advance, pl bring your work along, you will have to wait. 

Was it a part of the treatment protocol? The wait, an exercise in developing patience?

It's been a while since I have knocked the doors of a Psychiatrist, I think the last was in 2008/2009, not much of a successful experiment then. But, this time I know, I need this, I have to make it a success. If I want to find myself, and find some peace, there's no other way!

What's wrong with me, you ask? Don't I have everything to be envious about: a good life, and a good wife.. Incredible kids and family, a great home and a few close friends, many well wishers. Hell, in these times of pandemic, I even have work that pays. Rather, if I wanted, I could increase it by leaps and bounds. I have enough blessings, and I'm grateful.

Then, why?

That's the question, right? Behind the smiling faces, the engaged conversations, could there be deep secrets, covering up wounds, hiding in plain sight? Because, showing your weakness, being vulnerable, isn't that a sign of failure?

NO, it's NOT! 

It's high time we acknowledge that human brain, in partnership with mind and heart, is a complicated ecosystem. And, it holds many secrets, some that might be burning fires behind a confident wall. In my case, literally - a heartburn that I've been feeling in my throat for a few days now. It's like ferocious flames of fire in your throat, that the weak saliva is trying to douse.. (Good news is, it's a perfect excuse to eat tonnes of ice cream.. ;) )

And, so, I'm coming out.. I've always struggled with mental health issues: ADHD as a child, Claustrophobia, Attachment issues, and finally, the evil of all, chronic Anxiety. And that's why I went to the doc today, to start opening the Pandora's box, and dealing with the devils in my head, heads on.

Through a series of posts that will come up, I wish to share this journey, hopefully of healing and finding joy. Probably, someone some where reading these might just realise, s/he's not alone, and, that would have served the purpose..

🤞

The spot of ink!

"We dress for the jobs we want, forgetting that most salaries are tailored to afford dressing for the jobs we have."

From the start of Friends' Society (FS, more than 16 years ago), I've been interviewing (~observing) people, at times to decide if I wanted them with me in FS, to at times, did I want to collaborate with them or be associated in any ways. As I became a professional, these observations started in the form of formal interviews.

I am sure, the reverse is true as well, I've been observed, interviewed, interrogated, so on and so forth.. But this is to share the story from this side of the table!

Recently, for a partner organization, I agreed to conduct some interviews. It was a position lying vacant for more than six months. The hiring manager was very particular of what he wanted - the role being a mix of being a leader, but being able to perform the most routine tasks with efficiency. To find this, a tough one. I had already interviewed and rejected at least a two dozen candidates for the role.

So here I was, waiting for the candidate, completely unsure of what to expect. The application was pretty interesting, two separate letters, one Resume, and a brief profile by the coordinator who had recommended her. I was told that she was hand picked by her Fellowship Team (the Gandhi Fellowship) and there-after nominated to us for this specific role.

I'm amazed, an interview that was meant to be just another interaction, has left me with lingering thoughts for more than a week. For the first time, I've broken the professional norm to reach out to the candidate post the interview, and I wonder, what was it that got me so engaged?

I am a person who would not remember the colour of my clothes, let alone what I wore yesterday or day before. But, I have a clear memory of what this candidate wore for her interview: a white Kurta, with a deep black ink spot on it. It defied every norm of the formal world. You are supposed to dress up for an interview in your finest, at least that's what a career advisor advised me once. First impression is the last impression, ensure that you put forth your best foot forward. Remember, the words are to be calculated, speak if you know, be polite, respond affirmatively, so on and so forth. And contrary to all of this, here was a candidate, who was absolutely reckless, rather careless. She walked in the interview without a hint of being bothered about the ink, or her (over?) confidence.

To my own surprise, for someone with an OCD for perfection, none of the "out of norm" things bothered me. Rather, I noticed most of it, but all of it went unnoticed. Unnoticed, until I read a buzzfeed article on the millennials and the poor choices of pretense!   

And bang, I realized why this specific interview had left it's lasting impression. Since having joined the corporate world, I have been surrounded by people who consciously dress, make studied choices of what to speak, what to think, what to eat, what to drink.. At times, a lot of it is superficial, done for the sake of it: smiles for being professional, hand shakes for being courteous, eating for sake of networking, etc. It's always about making an impression and ensuring it fits the norm, more so during interviews, because, first impression is the last impression!

In all this artificial-ness, this interview was a breath of fresh air. Here was someone without any pretense, without a showcase, without putting up fronts. She was candid in her responses, brutal in her assessment, and raw in her approach. It stood out more in contrast of the corporate office where the interview was being conducted. The raw-ness was completely out of context, and it stuck through!

While today's millennials pursue jobs to get their millennium dreams come true, a few programs try to enable the human instincts and utilize this young talent for nation building. This candidate was recommended to the organization by one such fellowship, the Gandhi Fellowship! And, It seems the candidate I met was not an exception, but part of an exceptional cohort. In literal sense, I could feel the rough cut diamonds were being crafted through the experience of their fellowship (evident from the alumni profiles on their website).

I've hired Teach for India Fellows based on just a call or even based on just reviewing their Resume, and have never had to regret a bit. It seems, Gandhi Fellowship is going to be in the same league!

Poetic Perspectives: Access to Love

Poetic Perspectives: Access to Love: There is sorrow, there is pain And old hurts come up once again I don't know what I should do I don't know how to relate to you Ther...

Desidereta

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly. And listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant, for they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, for they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for there will be always greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements, as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your career, however humble. It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of life.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is. Many people strive for high ideals and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love. For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings, for many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

The author is the poet Max Ehrmann (1842-1945). It was written in the 1920s.

Next big challenge for India/your community

(What do you think is the) Next big challenge for India/your community:


Triple bottom line sustainability: An overall approach to People, Planet & Performance!

As I see it, there has been a dual core existence to human civilization - one that looks at profits (the Capitalist) & the ones who look at humanity (the Philanthropist). In recent years, the field of "environmental conscience" has emerged. Apparently, these are three different nodes, though they are not quite singular by nature as they are portrayed. Rather, triangulation of these signify the core of our existence. Irrespective, very less attention is being given to work on all of these together to achieve common good.

During my Masters', I interned with the Institute for Sustainable Development, an organization that concentrated on targeting a triple bottom line approach in businesses and communities. They have shown it, it is possible to earn profits while doing social good and being environment friendly. There are quite a few of such sporadic experiments across the globe, but need a lot of attention and efficiency to create adaptable replicable models.

For me, it is the biggest challenge to create such models for developing countries, where we don't categorize as for-profit or not-for-profit, but we do good on triple bottom line approach.

long time...

At times I wonder, why a blog for me? This post is literally after an year... Do I call myself a writer? Or  is blog a vent-out for me? Neither... It is just that I need to get into my writing "mood" to write! ;)

Anyway, I was just feeling a form and had a few tricky questions (about me, yes!), answers o which actually served more of an introspection... Thus, thought of posting them... Watch out next few posts!