Ija - Bija - Tija

Life always gives a second chance... And whatever happens twice, has to happen thrice! The Ija, the Bija, the Tija...

What goes round, comes round... Kar bhala, to ho bhala...Life's deeds are a cycle... Sow, shall you reap!

I used to always hear these in and around me. Coming from a family of simpleton's, who believe in some natural power and the cycle of good and bad deeds, these theories were spices in their ingredients of faith. Me being an agnostic, I used to be selective with such spicy theories. 'Not much for me in there' kinds. But, life has it's own way to prove what it ought to... But let me clear, I do not wish to say that I yet believe in the theory, just that I have experienced enough coincidences, so as not to disqualify someone else' assumptions.

As usual, I'll draw it from my own life's example: 2004 - 2007 - 2010,  the three years that came exactly at an interval of 3 years, changed my life considerably. Actually, those who know me, know that there's not been a single day that's not had a significant event for me (Sanyu, I can see you smiling...). These are just three years that repeated a pattern.

Let's start in 2004... Three years after I passed my XII boards and approximately two years after I started with my engineering. I was at one of the lowest points of my career, absolutely not keeping up with demands of engineering. Was ready to leave it and do what I wanted to (don't ask me what cos have no clue!). Finally, took a break of an year (or you might wanna call it "failed") and chose to step back and decide what I wanted. Application to the Camp America started... That's when I was in States for the first time, for 3 months. Through this time, my diary of unposted letters to her was what gave me an analysis of my surroundings and helped me make my opinions. Made me realize what I wanted...

2007... Done with engineering! Want to do something now, but again, have no clue, what I wanna do! Opportunity to apply for Rotary Peace Fellowship comes up. As usual, the typical me refuses, because, I am unsure. Some one jumps on the boat and pushes me to apply. Works for my Resume and statement. She's already made the most significant impact on Friends' Society. FS is scaling new heights. Now, it is my turn to scale up with the Rotary Fellowship. At the last moment when I am supposed to finish off the application, jumps out of the boat...

2010... Getting done with Rotary program! What's next? Again, not sure... Some skies clear up, options start showing. I am making choices, and an opportunity comes up. I need to make another application. Someone again materializes from thin air, as if it was pre-planned. We connect, the work starts, it seems the clouds are clearing. finally, there might be a respite! Things get to the peak, and bang goes it... A splash and the person's already jumped out of it.

All three turning points in my career, three different people at every point, all of them playing the crucial role of making me do what I did, being the tipping points. But at THE moment when I needed them most, three of them vanished. Apparently, no logical reasoning or lay-man theory could justify the vanishing act. But possibly the locus of control of my life at that moment seem to disappear in thin air, leaving me in shatters. It always felt as if everything was coming crashing down and nothing would rise again. But, on contrary, every time it turned out to be a gigantic leap for me, an U-turn, testament of my faith in the impeccable powers of one's will! How do I justify the irony of tears of pain accompanied with the laughter of achievement? Do I share the pain or do I go back to the person causing the pain, to share the joy of the moment. The moment that they were responsible for creating. The moment, that's gonna change my life, but they would not be a part of it anymore...

Actually, if I look back further, this is not something which started in 2004. March 1999, I'm erupting with excitement of starting something anew. I discuss the concept of Friends' Society with one of the very few of my friends, my "muhboli behan," rakhi sister. She's excited... Right into it... We start working on the concept. She's taken the responsibility of designing the logo for FS. I'm working on other aspects, the invites, the program, the blah blah blah... Career wise, it was crucial point too, it was my board exams. And, my last paper of boards, March 28. FS is to be launched on April 1, 3 days in hand. Morning of 29th, and my land line rings. I receive the call, she's on the other end, "Darshan, I am sorry, I cannot continue." Me: "What about the logo?" She: "Sorry, I cannot do it. I have asked X to work on it, pls. contact him." Again, no humane reason, no justification or clarification, a blunt statement. I was too naive then to look for a pattern in it or search for a reason. Possibly there was no time to think about it. And the excitement had no bounds, thus FS was formed and the flow started...

I wish I was the same now, as then. Living the moment, letting go off the past! Alas, it is 2010 and not 1999. The fact is, I've changed. Bruised and burnt, but not yet learnt from my own stories. Too naive yet to think, life's too small to delete living people outta it. Some day, either the life will change or me...

P.S.: This post is not to blame anyone or to point fingers at anyone. It is about the life's journey and the patterns that appear through it, like Richard Bach's "One." I am more than grateful for all the four ladies mentioned above, for their faith in me at those times, their support and unwavering affection. I'm grateful for having a wonderful family and bunch of friends, who stood by, irrespective of me under-valuing them and taking them for granted. This post is just a story of my life, the way I see it. An acknowledgment of the natural powers that start where the scientific reasoning ends. Because, there's never an answer to "Why?"

Making time

When I was in India, me n my friends were in a habit of forwarding texts to each other. One of the forwards said something like this: "Gift some one your time. Because when you give someone your time, you give them a part of your life that is never going to come back!" Wow... That sounds real cheesy...

But, but there's an element of truth in it. The other day I was chatting with a friend, and she said: "If you prioritize something, you need to make time for it. It is the test of your genuine intentions..." She was speaking in context of relationships, where more often than not she had observed crumbling relations because either one could not make time for each other.

On my flight from States to India, I was watching some movie or reading some survey, don't remember exactly. But what I remember is a line: "Cheating is growing in relations, because the need for communication is not met within a relation." It went on to clarify why men cheated more than women, because their needs for communication were not met fully. (I don't think I would agree fully to the justification of cheating by men, but the gist of the story remains true..)

These three incidences and possibly numerous more personal experiences make me wonder about the same. What is a relation after all? It might be defined differently by different people. Is it coming together of two physical souls for mutual purpose of mating? But then that's available without even getting in a relation. What is it then, that makes a relation a necessity? For me, it is the notion of communication. Coming back to one person with whom you share your life, to express your experiences and your feelings, the sense of security that it brings along, that's what a relationship is needed for. The communication that starts with words, but reaches a level where two people don't need words any more to communicate. There's a silence that speaks to each other, of each others emotions. But, how would one reach to this stage, if there's no verbal communication initially?

What would you do if the person you care about, if the person you like would not make time for you? If there's no scope given to growth of a relation, is there use of the desire of being in one?

There are time sensitive questions that seem to shift the paradigm through which we look at relations.. Everyone seems to find there own way out of it. Could we find a way going "in" building a relation, rather than "out" of it?

Slow n ...

Who-so-ever said, "slow and steady wins the race"???

Life usually back fires... Had no clue, blog posts can back fire too. Actually that's my ignorance, because any written word can backfire. And as stupid as I am, I like written words more than spoken. So, usually I am on the records for most emotions I feel while the other side is safe!

Anyhow, back to topic. Yes, my last post backfired and I was preached to be slow. lol... How people use you against yourself? Whoa.. I am not sure if it's cultural or if it's national or if it's individual, but surely it's blunt! And those who know me, know how well I am with "blunt" edge of life. ;-)

Is it always for good to be "slow" though? I am sure to ponder over this for a while. Actually it does contradict my lifestyle till now, but at times it does speak for my life as well. It is a good food for thought, but still would appreciate your inputs!

ABCD

I was supposed to write something about a week ago, but thought it was too early. My blog is about me and my life, and usually I am too fast to put posts up. But, I assume, this time I was wrong. It was not too early, neither was I making assumptions or judgments. Sometimes, it is meant to be... It's about faith, and holding unto faith is me!

Anyway, so to the topic: What is ABCD? I've heard this phrase umpteen number of times since my arrival in States. Have been using it on and off, at times meaning it, at times just to tease the person. America Born Confused Desi, that's what it stands for. And, I used it a bit too much in last 15 days... Genuinely too much, though I never meant it. But how does that matter? I was using it any way. Indian that I am, proud to be a Desi, but would not know my limits to joke. Anyway... Too much use of that phrase slammed back in my face, BIG TIME.

The so called Desi's coming from India are very casual in categorizing the second or third generation American Indians as ABCDs, assuming we are the torch bearers of real India. How true is that? If you get an opportunity to interact with any of "them," take it and you will find the answer. I met an ABCD a few days ago. Got an opportunity to spend some more time with her over the weekend. Realized, she could speak better Hindi than most people I know from India. She knew more Hindi proverbs than me.. That's just an example. I have met many other ABCDs and known more about india from them than I knew... So, why even have that phrase? Dad gave me the answer. "It is how we perceive and not how the other person behaves." Speaks for itself...

I am proud to say I rarely judged the ABCD category. But, after this rendezvous, I doubt if I'll even use that phrase jokingly ever after. Desi am I, Desi are they; rather WE Indians!

Valentine's Promise..

Shuffling through my old docs, I found this letter.. It was start of a serendipitous relation; which soon afterwards, reached a crossroad.. That's but natural for a flowing river, the twists and turns make it's flow more serene!

But, the one's who consider these twists an end of their journey, I am not one of those.. The twists twitch you a bit, to improve on turns, and the flow gets smoother and smoother, till a point where not only the river, but the stones also roll.. That's when we find pebbles.. Twists and turns are nothing, but the necessary factors, to make one realize the worth of "Life". At least, it did make me realize..

And so, with renewed spirits, regenerated mindset; the emotions still hold the same fragrance.. Love seldom changes.. St. Valentines was unique.. So would this letter be..

"
My Life,

it’s been great knowing you and being friends! The serendipitous friendship, a sweet mistake of chance that we’ve experienced has gradually developed into an immaculate relation! I’m sure, the small seedling is going to develop into a gorgeous tree, n this poem is dedicated to that gradual growth! I don’t know who wrote these lines, but they touch my heart & soul... Thus, here’s a small gift for a very special friend..

PROMISE !!!

If I had to promise you something, what would it be?

I can’t promise that you would always be comfortable..
Because comfort brings boredom & discomfort.

I can’t promise that all your desires will be fulfilled…
Because desires, whether fulfilled or unfulfilled bring frustration.

I can’t promise that there will always be good time…
Because it is tough time that makes us appreciate joy.

I can’t promise that we will be rich or famous or powerful…
Because they can all be pathways to misery.

I can’t promise that we will always be together…
Because it is separation that makes togetherness so wonderful.

Yet if you are willing to walk with me,
If you are willing to value love over everything else,
I promise that this will be the most rich & fulfilled life possible.

I promise your life will be an eternal celebration,
I promise I’ll cherish you more than
A king cherishes his crown,
And I shall love you more than
A mother loves her new born.

If you are willing to walk into my arms,
If you are willing to live in my heart,
You will find the one you have waited for ever…
You will meet yourself in my arms…
I Promise!

(By Unknown Author)

Love,

Dee Dee
"

need..

It is on days like today, when my belief is reinforced.. The belief in having the right person at the right moment with you.. Especially, when you are "human", and not at all wanting to be anything else.. This is when, a pat, a warm squeeze, a hug, just a word, anything from the right person is more important than a breath..

The walk on the rope gets really difficult, when there is no one to find on the other side.. No one to keep your sight on, to keep you stable through your walk.. Reminds me of an Akbar-Birbal tale, where an old man survived a night standing in freezing cold water, just staring at a lamp at distance, knowing that a lamp exists, and it radiates the warmth..

There has to be a mode of strength, hope.. For river to flow, water needs to exist..

Miss the one to talk to.. Miss the one..

Ba

The same thoughts lead me to another question.. But, this time it is abstract, though related.. Would Gandhi exist without Kasturba? Would Bapu exist without Ba? What if she would have left him right at the first instance in South Africa?

Didn’t I say in a couple of posts back: Behind every successful man, there is a woman..??

I never read Gandhi, though I have a lot of his books in my collection.. I never saw any movie of his complete, till an hour back.. I never met a Gandhian who preached Gandhi.. But, all this while, I never imagined Gandhi as singular.. The image was always accompanied by this subdued figure walking along..

Excuse me for a bit, did I use the word subdued? I assume I did.. And why so? What makes me think of it that way?

“You are just a human, it is tough for you.. More so, tough for us, for those who do not wish to be anywhere as good as you desire to be..” (Kasturba to Gandhi, the first instance in South Africa)

This speaks of it all.. But, still, another question.. Was Gandhi trying to be good? Or right? Or puritanical? And, if so, in whose eyes? No where am I attempting a doubt at the figure of millennium.. I am making an effort to understand the male-female chemistry. .The chemistry beyond the testosterone and estrogen.. The chemistry, that gives the man the strength to face the outside world, and his own inside world too..

But then, where does this strength exist for the Dalai Lama or for Dr. Kalam? Or for Gandhiji himself, after the Agakhan palace?

As of now, Richard Bach comes to help again, though not too satisfying.. I am trying to remember a quote by Paolo Coelho.. But till I find it.. Here’s what Bach has to say about it..

“I want to be very close to someone I respect and admire and have somebody who feels the same way about me. “ [that gives a meaning to my existence, strength to life..]

conclusion

Now that the Saturday night trivia comes to an end, I am supposed to complete the story..

There's not much to it after the realization. The realization leads to a desire to confess and let go off the negativity, not only with the individual, but with any and everyone whom I might have coerced in the "not so good" conversations.. That's it..

I had read this author in Marathi, Mr. V. P. Kale, and he started his book with an interesting paragraph. He said: "People write autobiographies to tell the world how much they suffered because of others. Imagine if everyone wrote about there sufferings cos of you, that one never mentions in autobiography.. So, I'll never write a lame story of suffering.." Not that I am thinking of an autobiography (that's hilarious), but the way my achievements have been acknowledged, recognized, and applauded, it is necessary that I accept my fallacies as well. Not only to the individuals of whom I might be guilty, but to all those, whom I might hold certain perceptions to!

And the thought that I am reading while writing this is: "Imperfection is what makes us interesting to others.." I don't know about others, but imperfection has made me interesting to myself, granting opportunities to improve!

Over and out.. :)

Behind every successful man, there is a woman..

(...continues from the previous post.. the day)

On the day, I sway my hand while walking on the road, and.. I have this ball of white snow, nothing less than fur.. It's a feeling, beyond words.. To feel that fresh creation of nature, and hold it..

I walk in the school, move in to the auditorium.. They are going to show the day, on the big screen.. People slowly start pouring in.. But, I am unaware of any and every one.. I am engrossed in what's happening on that screen. A simpleton, a man who cam from rags of Africa, is going to be sworn in as the most powerful human being! The whole world is watching.. The, "Yes, we can" dream is going to manifest itself in reality in few moments.. All the who's who of the world are crowded on that small patio.. And a melodious symphony starts.. It is a tribute to the change, tribute to new hope and new life.. 5 minutes to noon.. Count down begins.. Symphony is still playing.. AND.. in a few moments, the mike blurrs, and there is an announcement: "Though Mr. Barack Obama has not yet taken the Oath, according to the constitution of the United States of America, he is officially the 44th President of the United States of America.." The Symphony rises to its peak.. The Camera's focus on the brand new, Mr. President, to catch his sheepish smile.. And.. And, there's a small hand that comes from behind, and pats his shoulder.. The hand of Michelle Obama, the First Lady!

The tears meet the smile.. It is a moment to be cherished for ever, not only because of what I am seeing, but because, my mind is back in memoirs.. Around 3 years back.. 26th January.. Climbing down those stairs, with a multitude of emotions playing in my mind. And a hand comes from behind, holds my arm, and there's a gentle pressure!

What's similar? Me and Obama? Not in my dreams.. Then what? It is the understanding palm.. The soothing touch, that drives a man! It is easy to be ambitious, and dream high, but, unless you have that warm understanding palm, that holds you at the right moment, every thing seems difficult to achieve! The palm, that says, "Yes, I know what is happening in your mind. I am there with you.." That one gesture of the First Lady, might have given Mr. President the support and warmth needed for the moment, the strength and the will power he might need, to run not only the States, but the globe!

Back to me, yes.. that is what that gentle squeeze gave me then! And till date, in my moments of despair, it is the memory of that gentle squeeze, that still gives me a power to move, to go ahead.. All through the time, all through this day, through every moment of the day, today, I have had a sublime memory of an individual, who helped me to be me, and who still, helps me live..

Yes, behind every successful man, there is a woman..

The congruence of the things happening on screen, and my memory, dawn upon me, the fact.. The fact that I might meet many more in my life, I might like a few, but I loved one, and I would ever do.. It is that one squeeze, that will get me through, let alone the yester-years, but the future too.. I love you..!

the day..

The day, when history is made.. The day, when dreams are awakened.. The day, when American life takes re-birth.. The day, when an Afro-American is to be sworn in as the World's Supreme Power..!

I woke up this morning, pulled over my window panes.. And.. It was a blanket of white on ever where.. Trees were covered in layers of white.. The wind playing with white pecks.. It was snow.. The most awaited day at Chapel Hill.. The only day of the year, when it snows..!

The day, full of bright Sun, the grey hues of clouds, the whiteness of snow, and the beautiful cheering colours of rainbow.. The way, when tears meet the broad smile, and the confluence creates a sense of pleasure, that is known only to those who have fealt it..

Today, is the day.. the day..

(Read about it, in the next post..)

Assi.. Tussi..

Aiwwehi..

At Qawwali night, I was surrounded by people whom I have fallen in love with years back! The Punjabi's! Please do not ask me, what I like of them. I do not know myself. But I am amazingly attracted to them, I accept.

I wonder, what capacity they have as humans, who migrated in masses during the partitions, and still, carved their own niche and space in both the nations. What is their will power, that builds them so strong, that you hear their laughter roaring in midst of pain? I do not wish to generalize, but the small amount of Punjabi's I know, have made up my opinion.

Last week, Mom n Dad were in Amritsar. The Golden Temple.. The place I dream to be at. The place I had a carved dream for.. And today, I was surrounded by the one's whom I admire. Beat it, today is Guru Nanak Jayanti!

I am sure to meet many more on the journey, who will make me fall in love with them much more!

Dream..

Dream..

The lights are out, as I prepare to sleep
Between the sheets I notice the soft
Warm moonlight streaming through
The window above my bed.

I pause and smile thinking of you and
The love we shared. I settle in clutching an
Extra pillow to my chest laying in this huge
Bed all alone. My thoughts drifting over the
Days events, the people I have talked to and those
I have missed. Things I did and things still that
Need to be done.

I think of how much I love you, how much
I miss you. I wonder if you are feeling
Well and doing all right. Smiling, I think
Of how I have watched your eyes light up in
Excitement, the look of anticipation in them.
Remembering the look of your smile as it crossed
Your face. How you made me feel so loved.
I think of the times we were together and the
Love we have shared as I continue to drift
in sleep.

During the night I feel you quietly crawl
In bed next to me, snuggling in, your warmth
Easing my fears, I feel your soft caresses and
Hear the words of tendernes and endearments.
Smiling I bask in the warmth and contentment of
Your love, then quietly continue to dream those
dreams we hoped to share.

Morning comes once again, as I slowly begin
To wake a tear slides down my cheek as I
Realize it was just a dream.
You are not there, and neither are
my dreams.

From: http://www.lovelypoems.com/Dream.shtml

Love redefined..

After reading this one, a friend of mine was inspired to quote this..

"
I read it some where, and it seems really gr8 even today...

'Love is an intricate, long lasting dance, where your choice of partner & sense of balance matters the most.
I guess if u find the right one, it never fades, the bloom of romance might not always wither, like ways u never FALL OUT of luv:)'
"

A perfect reply I suppose! I was looking for something which will balance the the tilt of the article and it seems pretty much balanced now!

Thanks Damsel!

Love..

Love.. Falling in Love.. Life time love.. Pure love.. Platonic love.. ..

Love is a word defined the most, spoken about the most, confessed the most.. And still, it is never understood. It makes the world move, but it ain't moved by words itself. It is an emotion most essential for life, and still it is the one which imparts the maximum pain!

I have been reading this book, "The Road Less Traveled", a gift from Sanyu and her family! In the second unit of the book titled 'LOVE', the writer, M. Scott Peck attempts to define love. Possibly one of the best definitions I have come across, especially of the concept; the concept which I have been trying to define since my rendezvous with it, which lasted much more than a rendezvous..

"FALLING IN LOVE..

Of all the misconceptions about love, the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that 'falling in love' is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is potent misconception, because falling in love is subjectively experienced in a very powerful fashion as an experience of love. When a person falls in love what he or she certainly feels is "I love him" or "I love her." But two problems are immediately apparent. The first is that the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience. We do not fall in love with our children even though we may love them very deeply. We do not fall in love with our friends of the same sex - unless we are homosexually oriented - even though we may care for them greatly. We fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated. The second problem is that the experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relation continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of fallin in love always passes. The honeymoon always ends. The bloom of romance always fades.
"

(By M. Scot Peck, from The Road Less Traveled)

Metta's Definition of Marriage

Full of excitement, I wrote a mail of my decision to take admission at the University of North Carolina to one and all. Thank you for all your best wishes..

Now, what's the relation of my admission and the definition of marriage? Please go ahead and read..

"When I was choosing a man to marry, wise people said that I should keep my eyes very wide open when dating, and half closed when married. For me it was just a reminder that once I had made a very careful decision about my commitment, I needed to be confident about my decision - that it was right for me - and not get hung up on every little flaw in my husband. So, I give you the same advice. Because you have made your decision, I encourage you to be confident that it was the right choice, learn about your options to excel, be proactive, and come to learn." .. Metta

The above is an excerpt of the mail I received from a friend called Metta, who is my senior at the Department of Social Work at University of North Carolina!

Ain't it just amazing.. And thought provoking too.. Surely, start of a new chain!