Day 11: Session 1 of Counseling

Friday, Jul. 2

Didn't realise, how high the demand for psychologists is, until I had to look for one myself! It took me a few days to find a "good" one, and then a few more to get on his calendar. The earliest opening he had was 3 weeks ahead, until last evening, when someone cancelled for today, and he took me in. All of this was entertained, only after I paid up in full, in advance, the day my 3 week appointment was scheduled.

Neel's birth was a reckoning of sorts, towards the institutional discrimination our medical system is prone to. For someone like me, a person with resources, means and network, Neel's initial few days were tough, to say the least. I cannot imagine what happens to anyone who has either of the triage missing, let alone someone who has neither. No wonder, addressing mental health issues is considered a luxury. How can one afford the time, energy and most importantly, the money?

Any how, moving back to my reality.. The Psychologist I spoke to did not give me any diagnostic test (as demanded by the Psychiatrist), but did run through a conversation to arrive at a primary conclusion: anxiety, with borderline depression.

Anxiety, I do believe, no second thoughts..

But, me and depression? Seriously? I don't feel like it.. I'm functioning well enough, rather "high functioning", in terms of the psychologist himself. I'm doing everything I ought to do, and more. I'm NOT curled up in a bed, crying, literally and in head. Neither have I given up on life, rather I look forward to it. So, what's this depression all about?

Have you heard of stages of Cancer? Very rarely cancer is detected in the first stage, because the victim herself or himself is not aware of the disease, there's rarely any physical symptom. As I work with a cancer hospital, we see many patients who actually come after cancer has crossed the "curable stage", because that's when they see the symptoms.

I think depression is just like that.. We are not aware of the depression creeping in, until we reach a tipping point. We live perfectly happy life, go on about our day to day stuff, and then suddenly, one day, an episode pushes us into a spiral. That's the moment when depression props up its ugly head. More often than not, we brush it off as a mere episode, or more commonly, an "over-reaction". It is about recognising that moment, that it is NOT an over-reaction, giving ourselves the space to feel what we do in that moment, and letting not other's thoughts of "how good our life is" influence that emotion.

It was some tough, life altering decisions I had to take (and the realisation that I had to live with the consequences, forever) that led to the eruption of the volcano for me. I did not realise what it was, but I knew something was going on. That's when I sought help.. And, to my amusement, I have signs of something as serious as depression. It was hiding in plain sight, depicted through my sleep pattern, through my behaviour, through my food habits.. It just required a trained eye to look at it and call it out for what it is.

I hope anyone who is struggling out there, finds that courage, even if it is to reach out to me and have a conversation! I'm always available..

Day 1: The Coming Out!

 June 22, 2021 - 1156 hrs. - I am at the door, as usual, before time. 

"Excuse me, I have an appointment.. Sir called me at 12."

The lady did not even look up, she pointed to an empty chair.. 

I hate waiting, specially at the clinics. Come on, why can't doctors' put up a proper appointment system? Usually, I'd walk out after 10 minutes wait, don't care who's the meeting with, 'pl stick to time'! But, not today.. The doc had told me in advance, pl bring your work along, you will have to wait. 

Was it a part of the treatment protocol? The wait, an exercise in developing patience?

It's been a while since I have knocked the doors of a Psychiatrist, I think the last was in 2008/2009, not much of a successful experiment then. But, this time I know, I need this, I have to make it a success. If I want to find myself, and find some peace, there's no other way!

What's wrong with me, you ask? Don't I have everything to be envious about: a good life, and a good wife.. Incredible kids and family, a great home and a few close friends, many well wishers. Hell, in these times of pandemic, I even have work that pays. Rather, if I wanted, I could increase it by leaps and bounds. I have enough blessings, and I'm grateful.

Then, why?

That's the question, right? Behind the smiling faces, the engaged conversations, could there be deep secrets, covering up wounds, hiding in plain sight? Because, showing your weakness, being vulnerable, isn't that a sign of failure?

NO, it's NOT! 

It's high time we acknowledge that human brain, in partnership with mind and heart, is a complicated ecosystem. And, it holds many secrets, some that might be burning fires behind a confident wall. In my case, literally - a heartburn that I've been feeling in my throat for a few days now. It's like ferocious flames of fire in your throat, that the weak saliva is trying to douse.. (Good news is, it's a perfect excuse to eat tonnes of ice cream.. ;) )

And, so, I'm coming out.. I've always struggled with mental health issues: ADHD as a child, Claustrophobia, Attachment issues, and finally, the evil of all, chronic Anxiety. And that's why I went to the doc today, to start opening the Pandora's box, and dealing with the devils in my head, heads on.

Through a series of posts that will come up, I wish to share this journey, hopefully of healing and finding joy. Probably, someone some where reading these might just realise, s/he's not alone, and, that would have served the purpose..

🤞

Rotary Peace Fellow

This morning, I received an email which carried this link: http://cgi.unc.edu/top/staff-blog/2011?q=darshan&x=0&y=0

If you've already opened it, let me clarify, I do not send it to blow my own trumpet. It's just that the article touched my heart, not cuz it was written bout me, but cuz it came from someone who I considered real close. Some one who had been with me through out the process that she writes about, rather it was her patience and her care that nurtured my passion to do what I wanted. She stood besides me, not only me, but every peace fellow through their two years, and then as a continuous locus of support. Rotary peace fellowship is an amazing program, but what makes it incredible is the extra support and care that the Rotary family renders. It is an opportunity for dreams to manifest in reality, which otherwise might have disappeared in thin air.

Let me not forget the peace fellows, the school and the cohort. All that she writes about, if I may say so, can happen only at UNC. The patience with which school endured my tantrums, the love with which my friends stood besides me, the care that my mentors and faculty showed, the affection of my host parents, the list can go on...

I never could pen my thoughts or after reactions of the peace fellows program. How could I? It seems impossible to capture all those emotions, all those experiences, everything in black and white. But, this link is a sufficient trigger to remind me how every one copied on this email has been a source of change in my life.

I'd not say thanks, I'd rather say, "Rotary Peace Fellows" let's rock it! :)

Love, Darshan

Love, Hate & Life...

"But then, it has become a kind of obsession, almost like a one-sided love affair with a quirky beloved. Perhaps I am just not used to leaving troublesome relationships midway!"

Just read this in an email from someone... It weaved in three threads that I was trying to think about, surely love, hate and life, all together bound by "trust" to form "relations." A weird equation, ain't it? Irony in itself... 


I am confused, I find myself anxious. It is difficult to understand the true meanings of these words... Let me check the dictionary!

Love = a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection [like]...
Hate =  to dislike intensely or passionately...
Trust = reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence...

And, while I am looking up trust, I find a kind of answer to my question, of why am I trying to write this post... Because, trust is also defined as: confident expectation of something; hope.. HOPE! A word that banged outta movie Shawshank Redemption.

If I recall most of my discussions through life, I hear people speaking of hope. In hope of something or everything. In hope of gaining or loosing. In hope living or dying... One or another, but hope! And the moment the hope goes missing, it is like a Dementor's kiss... Blank, gone, oblivious to life!


Why am I writing all this? In last few days, I found myself struggling to balance the tricky triangle of love, hate and relations! The experiences that define my expectations have led me down at times, and exceeded my assumption at other. But, there's no sure pattern, neither is there a pre-determined sequence of actions. And through all of this, I have been sticking with a bare minimum thread of hope, hoping my own negative thoughts will not impact the bets of my life, hoping I can trust myself and others, hoping ti will turn out the way we imagine it together! 


hope... I hope...

 

grey shades between black and white

Reactions after attending a class on dismantling racism…

Unable to look up, hands in pocket, butterflies in stomach.. I was unsure if this reaction was for the activity we were doing or was it because of whatever was happening with my course work at school [ineligibility to continue my studies, as I questioned the system and rebelled against what I thought was inapopropriate], but I choose to assume that it was an impact of both. The silence and the judgmental criteria for the activity were disturbing. The grey shades between black and white pushed us back to reality, that not everything is on either side of the fence..

            
I have always faced problems comprehending with any system that tries to categorize everything around them. The first debate ever initiated by me, though in Indian context, was about the necessity of tagging every relation. India is a cultural mélange and to make the social fabric smooth, a system of tagging every relation has become a tradition. But, I always felt, that there are so many relations that cannot be tagged, so many different emotions binding us with a single person, that it is not possible to describe it in one “relational binder”. And the same dilemma came up today, with extreme intensity.. Because, most of the words used in the activity were judgmental. Though harsh, it made me realize, how in real life, sub-consciously, I tend to do the same with everyone around me. A good reason to pinch myself, next time when I find the pattern repeating with me..

           
I come from the land, where emotions are valued over everything else. People prefer to be poor and happy, than disturbed and rich. A land where life is considered fluid, and needs the energy of emotions to flow, rather than the power of machines to govern life.. The land, where Mahatma Gandhi had said, that in case of dilemma, put yourself in the shoes of the poorest of the poor you might have seen (feel what he might feel), and then make a choice that he would make.. The country, where so called “stupid simpletons” like me, pray to “Mother” Earth in the morning, begging forgiveness for stepping on her. Where I have been taught, that everything around has an element of life, everything can feel, can sense, and can radiate; and this is not a myth, but a proven fact in quantum physics. (These sentences might not necessarily be true to every Indian, but this has been the Indian philosophy over ages.)

            
 [This class makes me think of all of this…] We have not yet been too far in the class [of dismantling racism], it is just three classes At this stage, it has already been over-whelming to see how emotions play a role in every day functioning. Specially, because my observations here [at the school of social work] have been more disturbing than anything. Where we are taught to treat other humans as machines, where we are supposed to put ourselves in the shoes of know all, and consider that something wrong has happened with others’ life.. Rather, on a note of sarcasm, I feel using my mechanical engineering background, the way I would repair every broken car. (Now that itself is a myth, because every car is not repairable, but here we seem to be taught that every other human’s life is curable, by the “know all” me.) Where emotions play last role in any conflict, and the whole system of this education seems not to consider the primary factor that heart pumps the blood, and not the brain.. I use the word ‘we’ in all these statements, because it is a collective procedure.. Also, because I was surprised to know the reactions of my cohort, who are eager to learn the system than feel the emotions.. Who would still debate that the role play of emotions does not seem to take us anywhere, or that the real life situations are going to be different. Sure, they are going to be different, but nowhere easier than this. There is going to be no ‘safe space’ in real life, it is going to be as rough as possible.. And for me, this seems perfect simulation to understand what emotions are..

            
I personally feel, the world would be a much better place to live in, if there would be a day, when not one, but all would understand that, ‘Life is like a flowing river’, it flows irrespective the dams, the causeways, the mountains, or the slopes.. That every river meets ocean, and every human will be no more one day.. Neither would all the systems exist nor would the systematic approach.. What has, is and would ever exist is, mass and energy.. E=MC²

           
I am waiting to see, where this all leads us..

Ija - Bija - Tija

Life always gives a second chance... And whatever happens twice, has to happen thrice! The Ija, the Bija, the Tija...

What goes round, comes round... Kar bhala, to ho bhala...Life's deeds are a cycle... Sow, shall you reap!

I used to always hear these in and around me. Coming from a family of simpleton's, who believe in some natural power and the cycle of good and bad deeds, these theories were spices in their ingredients of faith. Me being an agnostic, I used to be selective with such spicy theories. 'Not much for me in there' kinds. But, life has it's own way to prove what it ought to... But let me clear, I do not wish to say that I yet believe in the theory, just that I have experienced enough coincidences, so as not to disqualify someone else' assumptions.

As usual, I'll draw it from my own life's example: 2004 - 2007 - 2010,  the three years that came exactly at an interval of 3 years, changed my life considerably. Actually, those who know me, know that there's not been a single day that's not had a significant event for me (Sanyu, I can see you smiling...). These are just three years that repeated a pattern.

Let's start in 2004... Three years after I passed my XII boards and approximately two years after I started with my engineering. I was at one of the lowest points of my career, absolutely not keeping up with demands of engineering. Was ready to leave it and do what I wanted to (don't ask me what cos have no clue!). Finally, took a break of an year (or you might wanna call it "failed") and chose to step back and decide what I wanted. Application to the Camp America started... That's when I was in States for the first time, for 3 months. Through this time, my diary of unposted letters to her was what gave me an analysis of my surroundings and helped me make my opinions. Made me realize what I wanted...

2007... Done with engineering! Want to do something now, but again, have no clue, what I wanna do! Opportunity to apply for Rotary Peace Fellowship comes up. As usual, the typical me refuses, because, I am unsure. Some one jumps on the boat and pushes me to apply. Works for my Resume and statement. She's already made the most significant impact on Friends' Society. FS is scaling new heights. Now, it is my turn to scale up with the Rotary Fellowship. At the last moment when I am supposed to finish off the application, jumps out of the boat...

2010... Getting done with Rotary program! What's next? Again, not sure... Some skies clear up, options start showing. I am making choices, and an opportunity comes up. I need to make another application. Someone again materializes from thin air, as if it was pre-planned. We connect, the work starts, it seems the clouds are clearing. finally, there might be a respite! Things get to the peak, and bang goes it... A splash and the person's already jumped out of it.

All three turning points in my career, three different people at every point, all of them playing the crucial role of making me do what I did, being the tipping points. But at THE moment when I needed them most, three of them vanished. Apparently, no logical reasoning or lay-man theory could justify the vanishing act. But possibly the locus of control of my life at that moment seem to disappear in thin air, leaving me in shatters. It always felt as if everything was coming crashing down and nothing would rise again. But, on contrary, every time it turned out to be a gigantic leap for me, an U-turn, testament of my faith in the impeccable powers of one's will! How do I justify the irony of tears of pain accompanied with the laughter of achievement? Do I share the pain or do I go back to the person causing the pain, to share the joy of the moment. The moment that they were responsible for creating. The moment, that's gonna change my life, but they would not be a part of it anymore...

Actually, if I look back further, this is not something which started in 2004. March 1999, I'm erupting with excitement of starting something anew. I discuss the concept of Friends' Society with one of the very few of my friends, my "muhboli behan," rakhi sister. She's excited... Right into it... We start working on the concept. She's taken the responsibility of designing the logo for FS. I'm working on other aspects, the invites, the program, the blah blah blah... Career wise, it was crucial point too, it was my board exams. And, my last paper of boards, March 28. FS is to be launched on April 1, 3 days in hand. Morning of 29th, and my land line rings. I receive the call, she's on the other end, "Darshan, I am sorry, I cannot continue." Me: "What about the logo?" She: "Sorry, I cannot do it. I have asked X to work on it, pls. contact him." Again, no humane reason, no justification or clarification, a blunt statement. I was too naive then to look for a pattern in it or search for a reason. Possibly there was no time to think about it. And the excitement had no bounds, thus FS was formed and the flow started...

I wish I was the same now, as then. Living the moment, letting go off the past! Alas, it is 2010 and not 1999. The fact is, I've changed. Bruised and burnt, but not yet learnt from my own stories. Too naive yet to think, life's too small to delete living people outta it. Some day, either the life will change or me...

P.S.: This post is not to blame anyone or to point fingers at anyone. It is about the life's journey and the patterns that appear through it, like Richard Bach's "One." I am more than grateful for all the four ladies mentioned above, for their faith in me at those times, their support and unwavering affection. I'm grateful for having a wonderful family and bunch of friends, who stood by, irrespective of me under-valuing them and taking them for granted. This post is just a story of my life, the way I see it. An acknowledgment of the natural powers that start where the scientific reasoning ends. Because, there's never an answer to "Why?"

Square/Circle

So, it's back to square one!

I was reading William Dalrymple's Nine Lives, incidentally a travel book on India! In the book, he speaks of Karma. Rather Karma is his underlying theme... "..[I] believe in karma, and in cause and effect. An action has consequences; we are the consequences of our acts." And it reminds me of two other phrases, "Back to square one;" and "What goes around, comes around..." Incidentally, my life keeps throwing such surprises at me, that can only be explained through these age old words of wisdom. Though, I would never be explain what had to come around, and what led to come around... lol

"What is done is done, and I can't undo my actions." I know it for sure... Yet, the heart and the mind would run through the old incidents, the records of our brains and would want to check what went wrong? Why does the pattern have to repeat with me? lol

I don't know... But something seems to be jinxed. When ever I choose an option, the door slightly opens, to slam in my face the next moment. Wow, my face should have some strength to bear that time and again... Excuse me, if you are one of those who's raising his/her eyebrows while reading this and want to remind me of my blessings. Sure, I do, I do remember one and all. Me being alive is the biggest of them. Here, I am speaking in another context! I remember the medical professional, my family physician telling my Dad, something seems jinxed with Darshan... That kinda resonates with Wendy's quote: "Myths pick up the pieces where philosophy throws up its hands. The great myths may help survivors to think through this unthinkable catastrophe, to make sense by analogy." So, in my case, the analogy resonates what the Dalai Lama had said to me more than a decade ago. Yes, that actually puts everything in place!

So, irrespective of who comes and goes, in Dalrymple's words again: "The water moves on, a little faster than before, yet still the great river flows. It is as fluid and unpredictable in its moods as it has ever been, but it meanders within familiar banks."

(How do I usually land up with words related to flowing water, any time when I find myself in difficult situation? :) )

One Young World: Commercial...

I am sure, you guessed from the title of this blog, what it is going to be about! Yes, about nothing... It's just been long since I posted something. Not that I didn't have anything to post, but that there was always some reason not to write!

Any how, currently in London, enjoying (?) the freezing temperatures and snow fall. To top it up, a kind of confused start to this conference. Man, I used to use a phrase, "conference mongers." Mind you, seems I have become one. lol.. I have attended more conferences last year than I have in the time of my under-grad education. So not a surprise, if I start organizing conferences as a commercial venture in near future... ;-)\

There's lots to update about the conferences and my life in them, but the reason I have today is, my battery's gonna die soon. So, I'll update that later.

To London: irrespective of the cold freezing weather, its a nice charming city. I am enjoying it! Lots to update on that front too...

And lastly, there's a news!!! Wait for the right moment... :P

Slow n ...

Who-so-ever said, "slow and steady wins the race"???

Life usually back fires... Had no clue, blog posts can back fire too. Actually that's my ignorance, because any written word can backfire. And as stupid as I am, I like written words more than spoken. So, usually I am on the records for most emotions I feel while the other side is safe!

Anyhow, back to topic. Yes, my last post backfired and I was preached to be slow. lol... How people use you against yourself? Whoa.. I am not sure if it's cultural or if it's national or if it's individual, but surely it's blunt! And those who know me, know how well I am with "blunt" edge of life. ;-)

Is it always for good to be "slow" though? I am sure to ponder over this for a while. Actually it does contradict my lifestyle till now, but at times it does speak for my life as well. It is a good food for thought, but still would appreciate your inputs!

Burn-out...

"Darshan, slow down..." "Darshan, wait..."

I always heard these phrases while growing up. At times for my physical actions, at times with my intellectual aspirations, at times with my emotional demands. Always... Every one who loved me, who cared for me, who wanted to see me happy said this at least once. But, I never paid heed. And, here I am... At 26, experiencing a complete burnout. Struggling to find my own identity between that of what others expect of me, and what I want of myself and what I have started seeing of myself. Nothing matches.. What were my own dreams? And what is it that is going to make me happy? Do I have answers for these? No... I have none... Cos, I never paused to look at what is it that I was running for, it was just a race, a race always. A competition of self-expectations and self-critique. Never gave myself any lee ways to make mistakes..

Today, December 8, 2009; with the pressure of completing at least two papers, and if possible three.. Drafting a few letters for a conference I am planning in February.. Planning my faculty's visit to India in first week of Jan.. Working on the FS reformation and restructuring.. Organizing personal stuff.. And loads of other jobs.. Total time available for this: not a spare moment.. And to add on to all of it, my health demands. The only thing my mind screams right now is: WTF??? Why do I pull on so much? So much more than I can handle? Bites bigger than I can chew...

And whom was I banking on, when I take up these tasks? The bureaucracy in MIT? Or the crumbling volunteer system of FS? Or the aristocracy of UNC SSW? What is it that gave me confidence that I will be able to lead all these projects with well organized teams? I don't know... Forget about the work related systems being in place. Did I even have a personal fall back ready? Or, while I am readying it, have I already destroyed a budding relation under this pressure? Who knows...

It is just a moment. Someone might say, "Darshan, you are stressed. Let it pass.." But no, that's not the case. Possibly this is the moment when I need to make choices. Look at the picture and decide, where I want to head. What is more important, relations and people or dreams and aspirations? And needless to say, the tasks already in hand.. Don't think I have much choice with either completing my M.S.W. or that of organizing this conference or planning the Summer Study Abroad for UNC SSW.

Darshan, buckle up... The Race is still on... Just the bearings have changed! You need to find your own RIGHT bearings!

Spirit...

I flew in yesterday, with very high spirits! This is what I had to say to my friends:

"Hey All… :)

One of those few times when I write a common email, but trust me, worth it! This is typed while on way from Chennai to Mumbai, and completed it right now… After 40 hours of travel and about 48 hours without sleep… :) (Believe me, I am about to crash..)

Anyway… As the flight was taking off from JFK, so was mind; the difference being, flight was following a predetermined path while mind was off in all directions. Something seemed different… And this is an attempt to share that perpetual smile of my face and the silver cloud! Those who know me, it is nothing new for these cycles of mine; but trust me, as I said earlier, something seems different this time. Sanyukta, like last time, I am not confused why I am in India. Neither am I feeling hopelessly out of place nor aimless. It is an unusual feeling of comfort with my identities as an Indian but an American student, living my life and understanding dreams of my family, being an individual still a part of society… There is a new found vigor, an inspiration to get the dreams come true, an energy to work on all the creative ideas I have been discussing. That emotion, the one that makes you let your hair loose, let your body go free. The desire of dreams… Something like Jonathan! Those who have seen Friends’ Society in its peak would know what I am speaking of.. :)

Yeah… The times changed, the change is visible. And there’s no scope for anymore eclipses, I’ve had my fair share of it. Hence forth, it is the free flow of life, “Like the Flowing River…” Deepika, after ages I signed my true self again, ‘Dee Dee.’ Don’t even remember when was the last time… :)

Shoot, that seemed a bit philo. That’s what happens when your brains conked off… ;-)

Anyhow, if interested, keep yourself updated with the blog (latest: http://wildebahn.blogspot.com/2009/11/my-sweetie-pies.html) ! Would love to have your comments. And for those who have been working with me, the Hitler’s back!!! ;-) lol

Love and hugs,

Darshan, the Dee Dee"

And now that yesterday is over, and I am back to ground reality... The reactions to my own email...

"Shoot... That's gonna be a tough walk, to make my idle brain function again. Does anyone know of any "brain grease"?" ;-) lol...

My sweetie pies...

Baby girls…

What’s between me and babies? In general babies, but more specifically girls? (It is well known fact that I am biased…) Whatever it is, it is in those moments that I am me, with the personified innocence that I am holding in my arms!

What did I do on my long flight journey? That’s the answer… There were two sisters, an 18 month old and a four year old. The 18 month old initially started by waving her hands jubilantly jumping in her Mom’s arms. I waved and winked, she tried replying a wink. (Let me tell you, it was such an amazing feeling to finally see someone from the other gender responding to my wink. As most of you who know me, I am a complete failure in that department... ;-) lol) So, what started with a wink, turned into high five and then a low five, than a head bang and a sudden leap in my arms. She was playful, smiling radiantly. I didn’t know her language, she didn’t know mine. I tried using a bit of English, a futile attempt though. Anyway, not sure how much an 18 month old would understand of verbal language. And then we started playing. In a while, her Mom wanted her back, so I let her go. But within few minutes she was pouncing back. Back in my arms, a photo session and another round of fun! The flight was supposed to land and she wanted to sit on my laps. This time joined by her four year sister. One on right lap the other on left, we played, smiled, juggled… It was beautiful. And finally the flight landed… the kid who had cried through all the earlier takeoffs and landing, was playing this time. She didn’t even realize that the flight was on ground or there was sudden pressure change in cabin. The elder went back to her Mom, but the younger would not leave me. Rather she clutched more strongly. Time to disembark from a long journey, two bags to carry outta cabin and a kid in arms, what a family moment! ;-)… I slightly stroked her head on my shoulder and started patting her, swaying my body a bit and saying a lullaby. What lullaby, you wanna know? You will roll with laughter… “Chanda chamke cham cham, chikhe chokanna chor; Chini Chaante Chiti chatori chini gol…” ;-) But, it worked; slowly she dozed off to sleep. And then started my ordeal... The heavy back pack on shoulders, the cabin bag being pulled by right hand and a sleeping kid in left arms, I managed to get out of the plane, down the stairs, to the bus. By this time her parents and elder sister were already on bus. The sleeping beauty transited from my arms into her mother’s… :)

No clue what transpired between us, but the girl who would not leave her Mom was playing with a stranger for so long. This was not only today… Starting all the way back from Nandini, one of my cousin’s daughter who in her Uncle’s wedding was full time with me. Actually that is the most prominent experience I remember. Then came in Dhruv on my first camp, followed by kids from Tree Tops. Amongst the recent being Aarya, one of my cousin’s. I still remember the moment when she came to see me in hospital and in her kid tongue; she expressed her concern about me not looking at her… :) And then comes again the current love, my DC date, sweetheart Aarya again. (Not the same one though…) The pinnacle in DC was when she called my “Papa” irrespective of everyone around her reminding her again and again that I was her “Uncle”. What a pleasure to have a small 14 month old to trust you with that!

I cannot help but recall a text I had received long ago from a friend of mine, sitting right across me on a berth in the most famous Indian Railways, on one of our return journeys from a camp. She had sent, “Your daughter will have the most wonderful father ever…” I am not sure how good a father would I make, but I am sure a daughter would make my life the most wonderful gift for me. :)

ABCD

I was supposed to write something about a week ago, but thought it was too early. My blog is about me and my life, and usually I am too fast to put posts up. But, I assume, this time I was wrong. It was not too early, neither was I making assumptions or judgments. Sometimes, it is meant to be... It's about faith, and holding unto faith is me!

Anyway, so to the topic: What is ABCD? I've heard this phrase umpteen number of times since my arrival in States. Have been using it on and off, at times meaning it, at times just to tease the person. America Born Confused Desi, that's what it stands for. And, I used it a bit too much in last 15 days... Genuinely too much, though I never meant it. But how does that matter? I was using it any way. Indian that I am, proud to be a Desi, but would not know my limits to joke. Anyway... Too much use of that phrase slammed back in my face, BIG TIME.

The so called Desi's coming from India are very casual in categorizing the second or third generation American Indians as ABCDs, assuming we are the torch bearers of real India. How true is that? If you get an opportunity to interact with any of "them," take it and you will find the answer. I met an ABCD a few days ago. Got an opportunity to spend some more time with her over the weekend. Realized, she could speak better Hindi than most people I know from India. She knew more Hindi proverbs than me.. That's just an example. I have met many other ABCDs and known more about india from them than I knew... So, why even have that phrase? Dad gave me the answer. "It is how we perceive and not how the other person behaves." Speaks for itself...

I am proud to say I rarely judged the ABCD category. But, after this rendezvous, I doubt if I'll even use that phrase jokingly ever after. Desi am I, Desi are they; rather WE Indians!

In class update

So, here I arrive again. It's been a while... Have had quite a few things I wanted to speak about, but as you all know: My writing sprees. Right now, I am sitting in a class getting really bored. So, why not might as well share the boredom! ;-)

I had an amazing trip to Mexico. The conference was very productive and led to an invitation to another conference in DC. The DC conference was held last week and it turned out good. More so, the DC trip was perfect because of the double dates and catching up with a school friend after about 8 years. WOW... But in neither of the meetings with either of the three did I feel that I was meeting them for the first time or after ages. More about this will come in next post... Also, there was an interesting luncheon with two beautiful ladies in DC, that kinda was so perfectly timed, as if it was meant to be. Speak of Serendipity and miracles!

Now, sitting in class for the last week. Will be off to India next week... :) See ya all soon!

Sois Courageux: Utter Despair

In the context of my "Hotel Rwanda" email to my faculty, she sent me an amazing reply.. Here you go:

"Dear Darshan,

... You can't imagine my alarm at reading this email subject heading today: interestingly I actually found myself glad to read this version of despair (as opposed to the one I had wrongly imagined).

My Dad is actually waiting in the car for me now, but I didn't want to leave without letting you know I got this email and how much I understand why you would feel so utterly forlorn. I have been there many times. Most human rights advocates and lawyers have (in fact I would say every last friend of mine has).

For me, the point of our being alive is to find a way to respond to the very real problems (much more horrifying than even Hotel Rwanda chooses to depict or than N&Z had the space to lay out) without giving up. There's a strong value in being an idealist rooted in reality. In my view any other kind of idealist or idealism won't last. You will never have the long term strength to fight for what you believe in if you don't confront--in varying doses--the barriers that lie before you.

Don't be thrown off by the "just pretty words" point. All ideas come in words, and all words can be as fleeting as the paper or emails in which they're written, but people give "the full measure of devotion" to make certain words reality.

Don't be thrown off by the enemies point. It's true generations of work can be destroyed "in a NY second." For me that means we have to be more savvy about our enemies and even more determined to outrun, outorganize, outwill them.

I know what I'm saying will strike you as more words. You will find the lifelong fire for such words in your own way. Trust that in your heart, mind and stomach, stories will reside to give you strength. If not stories, some other form of deeply rooted en-courage-ment.

Everything you believe in is at stake here: that's why I know you will hold both despair and courage close to your being.

My favorite French phrases is sois courageuse.

Sois courageux, my big-hearted and determined Darshan.
"

:)

Hotel Rwanda

I was watching this movie, and half way through it, I wrote an email to my faculty. This is an excerpt of that email and further continuation of thoughts...

I'm writing you this email in kind of a weird state. I am watching "Hotel Rwanda" right now, and am not sure if I can watch it complete... Saw a documentary on Darfur this afternoon. Was watching "The Pianist" a few days back... For my Rotary Capstone Seminar, have been researching on the Sino-Tibet issue and watching the news videos of Chinese Police and Tibetan interactions...

Where are we headed with all of this around us?

Last year, just before I came to the States... One evening I was done with my office work a bit early, i.e. about 7:30 p.m. So, I visited my Aunt. There, I saw on the news that a local political leader had charged all the non-Maharashtrians (Out of State residents in the state of Maharashtra, implying those who came from other states) of taking away jobs from the locals and so had ordered them to leave the state. The news showed people moving out of Mumbai, at some places riots. I could not see it, so switched off the TV, and then left my Aunt's house to visit one of my college teachers. Thought I would buy her some ice cream, so stopped at a shop. The shop was owned by a Non-Maharashtrian. The moment I ordered the ice cream, I heard a big bang, and screams... Some people had come on bikes and had assaulted a vendor outside the shop. Picked his cart, over thrown it. I could not see the vendor nor did I know what had happened to him. A chill had passed through my spine. I was dumb found.. Stuck on my place for a few minutes... I ran out of that shop, got in my car and straight drove away from main road in a lane. The story continues of how I ended up calling police and how my teacher helped me recover for that moment...

My point is, what is all of this? We discuss human rights, and all the big words. But I am not sure how practical all of it is. One psychotic like Hitler led the whole world in a war. Another psychotic like John Bolton, follows his footsteps to use the same "fear dynamic" to push Americans in other wars. Then there are people who claim the divine right to rule others...

Ma'am, is it worth it what we are trying to do? Would not it be squashed by someone with just one sweep someday?

There are a few moments in my life, when I am utterly unsure of what is the purpose of this life if it is all about the struggle of existence for a few and the leisure of will for some others? These are moments when tears do not part from my eyes. I feel incapacitated and absolutely helpless...

I am not sure what I am thinking. But, whole through the movie,and the other documentaries I watched in last few days, I have been thinking of you and the class discussions, so finally had courage to write.

It is said that we are trained to take up the international jobs, like the UN, the World Bank, so on and so forth. What's the use? After studying the extensive history of the UN and the formulation of the UDHR without any implementing mechanism, or for that matter, as a tool in the hand of the big 5, what's its use? After listening to Fiona Terry and so many others, humanitarian aid also seems a modus operandi. Use it till you can, else leave the people to die...

Did I really dream of an UN job? And would I really be able to make anything work there?

Looking at the utter helplessness of UN Peace Keepers and the way army functions, I am happy I got specs at the right time, which proved me ineligible for army. I am happy, I am not in the phase where my mind would be rendered helpless by some dumb words on a piece of paper, known as "order."

I am better of as an individual, might be a social worker, might be no one...

Dheeraj, Dharam, Mitra aru Naari...

धीरज धरम मित्र अरु नारी आपद काल परखिये चारी | (तुलसीकृत रामायण)

Dheeraj dharam mitra aru naari aapad kal parakhiye chari ! (Ramayan by Tulsidas)

Meaning: In the time of crisis are the (deep waters) of patience, religion (karma~deeds), friends and women (wife/partner) tested!

An impressive line from the sacred Hindu text. Diverting from the topic a bit, when I look at these ancient texts, they seem to be full of words of wisdom, relevant to today's time as well!

Back to the train of thoughts: I am recovering, and recovering pretty well! Thank you all... And this is the line dedicated to you all, who have been with me through out this time. This post is to tell you how a crisis in my life seemed negligible, just because of the four characters: patience, religion (karma~deeds), friends and women (wife/partner). If I had to apply them to this test, all of them surpassed it.

How many visitors do you think came around within the fourteen days that I was in Pune after the accident? A minimum of 500... I am not saying, it was me who commanded all this love and affection. Most of it was due to Mom n Dad and then Pooja. But, the important part is, all of them were there. From every nook and corner, from every age group, friends, relatives, colleagues, any one I could think of had been there with me. And, those who were not there physically, most of them had either written or called. It was incredible...

The other day, I visited the specialist in the States at the Duke Eye Care, the number one service provider in the field. The doctor, Mr. Tariq Bhatti, is supposed to be the best neuro-ophthalmologist in the whole of the States. And he looked at me, looked at my medical file, and his reaction was: "impossible. The improvement you have shown is incredible."

Dr. Bhatti, this line does make sense! It does help to have four functioning bearings...

The umbrella stick

I recall the trek to Pindari Kafni glaciers in Dhauladhar Himalayan range, way back in 1990s… It was one of my first few treks in Himalayas. It was with Yuvashakti, and I was walking with my batch. I found a big stick lying beside the road, I picked it up and started walking, using it as my third leg. The nature absorbed me, the stick and the legs got in their own rhythm and without my realization, my pace had increased multifold. Within next couple of hours, I was far ahead of my group. By early evening, I had already crossed the batch that had left a day earlier. And then, the batch incharge stopped me, realizing he had not seen this face with him… The story goes on, as to how I was grounded and then I had ot rejoin my group and all….

The crux is, a stick had added to my speed. Then, I had used a stick as fun element, today, I need it… Yesterday, I ended up buying one of those long umbrellas, the colorful ones. Actually I should have done this as soon as I was discharged, but “der aaye, durust aaye!” It is amazing, how that one piece serves dual purpose, when need may as umbrella and when need may as my guiding stick. I am neither allowed exposure to sunlight, nor can I judge 3-dimensional distances that well, and I hope it will serve a perfect tool. Actually, one of my faculty offered me her white stick, but I cannot encash on my partial blindness for disability benefits of complete blindness. Anyway, so the conclusion is, I always wanted that umbrella, and finally I have it… 

I’m gonna use it and, let you know, what my walking speed gets to!!!


And this is what I hope the umbrella would do to me... ;)
(Did any one say of being an opportunist?? lol)

Mad Eye (Moo)dee...

MooDee... That's what I am right now, rather I was!

They took me from Poona Hospital to Ruby for a check up by specialist (neuro-physician). Now, like other doctors, this person had a long queue of patients outside his office. Me, Dad, and bro, three of us were waiting outside. It had been just 5 days after the accident and I was sitting with my eyes closed. Suddenly, I heard a hustle and kind of thumping of feet, and someone walking. I opened my eyes to see a girl who was earlier sitting right across me, now had changed positions and gone to some corner. At this moment, my cousin told me what had happened... Apparently I was staring at her, winking one eye! WOW... And I had no clue. Cos, my left eye was closed; but my right eye wasn't. ;).. exactly like this!

Since the day I saw my face in mirror after the accident, I have been constantly reminded of Mad Eye Moody. Hey, all you fans of Mad Eye Moody, don't worry, I am not claiming any closeness to his goodness. Just the facial marks and the eye, they held similarities. Of the best of my knowledge of Harry Potter, the only difference I assume was, he had super vision with his special eye, and I have none! ;)

So girls, if you feel I am staring, don't give the credit to your beauty, as the credit is all that of my eye... ;) lol

Anyway, now that the accident is a history and I am resuming back to life, there are many such instances of those 15 days that come back! I will try and update the most...

Cheers!

Back home

After an eventful summer, the globe trotter mode for more than 3 months, I am finally back home. :) It would not be an exaggeration if I say, "back in one piece," and "fit n fine."

Now, while I have a long list of 'pending' or 'to be done,' there's lots other that would demand my attention too... ;)

So, will keep you all updated, possibly the twitter format, but on blog! ;)