the failure..

.. My mind is back in time..

A time when I am in a similar position.. Not actually.. A some what related position.. I had refused to understand the gesture.. I had refused to acknowledge the free spirit, that I used to adore the most. I was being impossible! Not only then, but there is a list of innumerable incidences, when I refused the trust and understanding, a relation deserves.

I used to be granted a lee-way of scoring less in academics, with a statement from Dad: "I don't mind you scoring a few percent less, but I would be disappointed to see you fail as human.."

And, I failed.. At a point of time, as human, I failed..

Experiential learning, is that what it is called, when you learn from your own failures?

The story..

"What's the real story??"

I am surprised that there are friends keeping a track of this blog.. Hmmm.. But, there's no story! It might be, that experiences over several incidences, have lead to the change of perspective, but that's all about it!

The transition started long back, realization dawned pretty late. I assume, I've always been a slow learner.. The latest trigger was, just before I left for India in December..

Those few days were the terrible days of my stay in US. Disturbed hours, sleepless nights, haunting dreams, a horrible hollowness in stomach.. It was an emotion, you would not want to feel. Was counting every moment, just to get back.. Get back where? I had no answer.. I didn't want to go back to India.. I didn't want to be here.. I didn't know what I wished to do.. Somehow, pushed every moment, till the time when I had to go for my final exam.. After more than 72 hours without sleep, I land up in that examination hall, scribble on that paper, and walk out. Head home for a cold shower, and then, I need to get ready to go for a mandatory evening, the annual ball of my school..

Heading down the ally of the ball room, into the hall, all "decked up" (that's what my cohort said..), it was a "sheek" look outside, but chaos of emotions inside me! To my surprise, the evening turns out to be great for me, full of laughter and light moments. The ball's over, and we all decide to head on to a bar; to drink, to let our foot loose..

Dim lights, close bunch of friends, lots of people, surmounting chatter, all accompanied with awesome live band. The evening was being shaped perfect, till a moment when something started sinking again, mind started wandering, expressions becoming gloomy.. And, and in this transient emotion, a friend coerced me to the dance floor. It was long time since I had let off my body, just let go off myself.. I am on the floor, a few other people are on the floor too, so is this friend and her boy friend, all enjoying the guitar, and tapping to the beats of the drums. Into this mood, getting absorbed by the music, the energy, the flow of the time; I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look up, and there she is, asking me for a dance. What a pleasure, the evening peak: dance with a beautiful lady. We sway, we move, and I realize, her boy friend is dancing alone. (me) "Hey, don't you think you should be dancing with him instead of me?" (she) "No! Rather, he suggested that I dance with you, cos you are alone here, but we have each other, and will be dancing together later."

................................. My mind is blank. A simple gesture according to her, had made me realize the biggest thing of my life! A boom rang had just hit me.. I was caught unawares.. That moment had changed everything.. That moment made me realize what the emptiness was.. What the fear and the chaos was.. it was at that moment, that I came to terms with my worst mistake, a failure, a loss..

Behind every successful man, there is a woman..

(...continues from the previous post.. the day)

On the day, I sway my hand while walking on the road, and.. I have this ball of white snow, nothing less than fur.. It's a feeling, beyond words.. To feel that fresh creation of nature, and hold it..

I walk in the school, move in to the auditorium.. They are going to show the day, on the big screen.. People slowly start pouring in.. But, I am unaware of any and every one.. I am engrossed in what's happening on that screen. A simpleton, a man who cam from rags of Africa, is going to be sworn in as the most powerful human being! The whole world is watching.. The, "Yes, we can" dream is going to manifest itself in reality in few moments.. All the who's who of the world are crowded on that small patio.. And a melodious symphony starts.. It is a tribute to the change, tribute to new hope and new life.. 5 minutes to noon.. Count down begins.. Symphony is still playing.. AND.. in a few moments, the mike blurrs, and there is an announcement: "Though Mr. Barack Obama has not yet taken the Oath, according to the constitution of the United States of America, he is officially the 44th President of the United States of America.." The Symphony rises to its peak.. The Camera's focus on the brand new, Mr. President, to catch his sheepish smile.. And.. And, there's a small hand that comes from behind, and pats his shoulder.. The hand of Michelle Obama, the First Lady!

The tears meet the smile.. It is a moment to be cherished for ever, not only because of what I am seeing, but because, my mind is back in memoirs.. Around 3 years back.. 26th January.. Climbing down those stairs, with a multitude of emotions playing in my mind. And a hand comes from behind, holds my arm, and there's a gentle pressure!

What's similar? Me and Obama? Not in my dreams.. Then what? It is the understanding palm.. The soothing touch, that drives a man! It is easy to be ambitious, and dream high, but, unless you have that warm understanding palm, that holds you at the right moment, every thing seems difficult to achieve! The palm, that says, "Yes, I know what is happening in your mind. I am there with you.." That one gesture of the First Lady, might have given Mr. President the support and warmth needed for the moment, the strength and the will power he might need, to run not only the States, but the globe!

Back to me, yes.. that is what that gentle squeeze gave me then! And till date, in my moments of despair, it is the memory of that gentle squeeze, that still gives me a power to move, to go ahead.. All through the time, all through this day, through every moment of the day, today, I have had a sublime memory of an individual, who helped me to be me, and who still, helps me live..

Yes, behind every successful man, there is a woman..

The congruence of the things happening on screen, and my memory, dawn upon me, the fact.. The fact that I might meet many more in my life, I might like a few, but I loved one, and I would ever do.. It is that one squeeze, that will get me through, let alone the yester-years, but the future too.. I love you..!

the day..

The day, when history is made.. The day, when dreams are awakened.. The day, when American life takes re-birth.. The day, when an Afro-American is to be sworn in as the World's Supreme Power..!

I woke up this morning, pulled over my window panes.. And.. It was a blanket of white on ever where.. Trees were covered in layers of white.. The wind playing with white pecks.. It was snow.. The most awaited day at Chapel Hill.. The only day of the year, when it snows..!

The day, full of bright Sun, the grey hues of clouds, the whiteness of snow, and the beautiful cheering colours of rainbow.. The way, when tears meet the broad smile, and the confluence creates a sense of pleasure, that is known only to those who have fealt it..

Today, is the day.. the day..

(Read about it, in the next post..)

On Children

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And He said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

- Kahlil Gibran

On Marriage

Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?

And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

- Kahlil Gibran

On Love

Friends, with this, I start today a new series, a post every day.. Posting one of my favorite writer, for you all to read.. I have devoured every word of his, I am sure, you all will too.. And, the credit of this series is, to all the possible sources I found his poems from..

ON LOVE..

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Kahlil Gibran

[Kahlil Gibran, one of the best selling poets in world history, was born in Lebonan in 1880 and died in New York city, USA in 1931. In a short life span of 50 years, he adored titles of being an artist, poet, writer, philosopher and theologian.)