conclusion

Now that the Saturday night trivia comes to an end, I am supposed to complete the story..

There's not much to it after the realization. The realization leads to a desire to confess and let go off the negativity, not only with the individual, but with any and everyone whom I might have coerced in the "not so good" conversations.. That's it..

I had read this author in Marathi, Mr. V. P. Kale, and he started his book with an interesting paragraph. He said: "People write autobiographies to tell the world how much they suffered because of others. Imagine if everyone wrote about there sufferings cos of you, that one never mentions in autobiography.. So, I'll never write a lame story of suffering.." Not that I am thinking of an autobiography (that's hilarious), but the way my achievements have been acknowledged, recognized, and applauded, it is necessary that I accept my fallacies as well. Not only to the individuals of whom I might be guilty, but to all those, whom I might hold certain perceptions to!

And the thought that I am reading while writing this is: "Imperfection is what makes us interesting to others.." I don't know about others, but imperfection has made me interesting to myself, granting opportunities to improve!

Over and out.. :)

the outcome

Finally.. After the Saturday night trivia, return at 04:00 a.m. followed by a discussion, and then an elaborate chat yesterday, I have reached to a conclusion that I am conservative liberal!

I do not know what that means.. Nor it is political in context here.. It is all about the thoughts and the way I function! Mom of a friend of mine had used this phrase: "विदेसी बोटल, देसी शराब!".. It means, Indian wine in an imported bottle! Metaphor for mind-body co-existence! It was used for someone, who appeared to be outright outgoing and western, in Indian context, but was purely eastern by thinking. I always thought, I was completely western in thinking.. But to my realization, I am as similar to the bottle-wine comparison..

That was some soul searching.. phew.. ;-) But surely, it does resolves a haze around lot of confusing traits I have been wondering about myself..!! Some complicated soul that I am.. ;-)

Emotions..

If it would not had been for last night, possibly my last post would have continued further today.. The last night being propped in, I am gonna take a while before I sort out.. That to which I relate, and that to which I am alien..

Incidentally, I find the following two creations, that, as of now, resonate with the turnover in my mind.. Metta, lots to discuss! :)

हम कहाँ जायेंगे जज़्बात का शीशा लेकर
लफ़्ज़ पत्थर का तो हर शख़्स चला देता है|
- एन. पी. बजाज

(Where do we take these feelings, fragile as glass; each person deals in flint sharp words.. - N. P. Bajaj)

दूर जाना है बहुत्, मत देख आईना अभी से
अभी तो रुख़सार पे बहुत से रँग आने बाक़ी हैं|
- हबीब हाशमी

(You have many miles to go, do not glance at the mirror now; Your cheeks will turn several colours before you are through.. Habib Hashmi)

the failure..

.. My mind is back in time..

A time when I am in a similar position.. Not actually.. A some what related position.. I had refused to understand the gesture.. I had refused to acknowledge the free spirit, that I used to adore the most. I was being impossible! Not only then, but there is a list of innumerable incidences, when I refused the trust and understanding, a relation deserves.

I used to be granted a lee-way of scoring less in academics, with a statement from Dad: "I don't mind you scoring a few percent less, but I would be disappointed to see you fail as human.."

And, I failed.. At a point of time, as human, I failed..

Experiential learning, is that what it is called, when you learn from your own failures?

The story..

"What's the real story??"

I am surprised that there are friends keeping a track of this blog.. Hmmm.. But, there's no story! It might be, that experiences over several incidences, have lead to the change of perspective, but that's all about it!

The transition started long back, realization dawned pretty late. I assume, I've always been a slow learner.. The latest trigger was, just before I left for India in December..

Those few days were the terrible days of my stay in US. Disturbed hours, sleepless nights, haunting dreams, a horrible hollowness in stomach.. It was an emotion, you would not want to feel. Was counting every moment, just to get back.. Get back where? I had no answer.. I didn't want to go back to India.. I didn't want to be here.. I didn't know what I wished to do.. Somehow, pushed every moment, till the time when I had to go for my final exam.. After more than 72 hours without sleep, I land up in that examination hall, scribble on that paper, and walk out. Head home for a cold shower, and then, I need to get ready to go for a mandatory evening, the annual ball of my school..

Heading down the ally of the ball room, into the hall, all "decked up" (that's what my cohort said..), it was a "sheek" look outside, but chaos of emotions inside me! To my surprise, the evening turns out to be great for me, full of laughter and light moments. The ball's over, and we all decide to head on to a bar; to drink, to let our foot loose..

Dim lights, close bunch of friends, lots of people, surmounting chatter, all accompanied with awesome live band. The evening was being shaped perfect, till a moment when something started sinking again, mind started wandering, expressions becoming gloomy.. And, and in this transient emotion, a friend coerced me to the dance floor. It was long time since I had let off my body, just let go off myself.. I am on the floor, a few other people are on the floor too, so is this friend and her boy friend, all enjoying the guitar, and tapping to the beats of the drums. Into this mood, getting absorbed by the music, the energy, the flow of the time; I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look up, and there she is, asking me for a dance. What a pleasure, the evening peak: dance with a beautiful lady. We sway, we move, and I realize, her boy friend is dancing alone. (me) "Hey, don't you think you should be dancing with him instead of me?" (she) "No! Rather, he suggested that I dance with you, cos you are alone here, but we have each other, and will be dancing together later."

................................. My mind is blank. A simple gesture according to her, had made me realize the biggest thing of my life! A boom rang had just hit me.. I was caught unawares.. That moment had changed everything.. That moment made me realize what the emptiness was.. What the fear and the chaos was.. it was at that moment, that I came to terms with my worst mistake, a failure, a loss..

Behind every successful man, there is a woman..

(...continues from the previous post.. the day)

On the day, I sway my hand while walking on the road, and.. I have this ball of white snow, nothing less than fur.. It's a feeling, beyond words.. To feel that fresh creation of nature, and hold it..

I walk in the school, move in to the auditorium.. They are going to show the day, on the big screen.. People slowly start pouring in.. But, I am unaware of any and every one.. I am engrossed in what's happening on that screen. A simpleton, a man who cam from rags of Africa, is going to be sworn in as the most powerful human being! The whole world is watching.. The, "Yes, we can" dream is going to manifest itself in reality in few moments.. All the who's who of the world are crowded on that small patio.. And a melodious symphony starts.. It is a tribute to the change, tribute to new hope and new life.. 5 minutes to noon.. Count down begins.. Symphony is still playing.. AND.. in a few moments, the mike blurrs, and there is an announcement: "Though Mr. Barack Obama has not yet taken the Oath, according to the constitution of the United States of America, he is officially the 44th President of the United States of America.." The Symphony rises to its peak.. The Camera's focus on the brand new, Mr. President, to catch his sheepish smile.. And.. And, there's a small hand that comes from behind, and pats his shoulder.. The hand of Michelle Obama, the First Lady!

The tears meet the smile.. It is a moment to be cherished for ever, not only because of what I am seeing, but because, my mind is back in memoirs.. Around 3 years back.. 26th January.. Climbing down those stairs, with a multitude of emotions playing in my mind. And a hand comes from behind, holds my arm, and there's a gentle pressure!

What's similar? Me and Obama? Not in my dreams.. Then what? It is the understanding palm.. The soothing touch, that drives a man! It is easy to be ambitious, and dream high, but, unless you have that warm understanding palm, that holds you at the right moment, every thing seems difficult to achieve! The palm, that says, "Yes, I know what is happening in your mind. I am there with you.." That one gesture of the First Lady, might have given Mr. President the support and warmth needed for the moment, the strength and the will power he might need, to run not only the States, but the globe!

Back to me, yes.. that is what that gentle squeeze gave me then! And till date, in my moments of despair, it is the memory of that gentle squeeze, that still gives me a power to move, to go ahead.. All through the time, all through this day, through every moment of the day, today, I have had a sublime memory of an individual, who helped me to be me, and who still, helps me live..

Yes, behind every successful man, there is a woman..

The congruence of the things happening on screen, and my memory, dawn upon me, the fact.. The fact that I might meet many more in my life, I might like a few, but I loved one, and I would ever do.. It is that one squeeze, that will get me through, let alone the yester-years, but the future too.. I love you..!

the day..

The day, when history is made.. The day, when dreams are awakened.. The day, when American life takes re-birth.. The day, when an Afro-American is to be sworn in as the World's Supreme Power..!

I woke up this morning, pulled over my window panes.. And.. It was a blanket of white on ever where.. Trees were covered in layers of white.. The wind playing with white pecks.. It was snow.. The most awaited day at Chapel Hill.. The only day of the year, when it snows..!

The day, full of bright Sun, the grey hues of clouds, the whiteness of snow, and the beautiful cheering colours of rainbow.. The way, when tears meet the broad smile, and the confluence creates a sense of pleasure, that is known only to those who have fealt it..

Today, is the day.. the day..

(Read about it, in the next post..)