Ija - Bija - Tija

Life always gives a second chance... And whatever happens twice, has to happen thrice! The Ija, the Bija, the Tija...

What goes round, comes round... Kar bhala, to ho bhala...Life's deeds are a cycle... Sow, shall you reap!

I used to always hear these in and around me. Coming from a family of simpleton's, who believe in some natural power and the cycle of good and bad deeds, these theories were spices in their ingredients of faith. Me being an agnostic, I used to be selective with such spicy theories. 'Not much for me in there' kinds. But, life has it's own way to prove what it ought to... But let me clear, I do not wish to say that I yet believe in the theory, just that I have experienced enough coincidences, so as not to disqualify someone else' assumptions.

As usual, I'll draw it from my own life's example: 2004 - 2007 - 2010,  the three years that came exactly at an interval of 3 years, changed my life considerably. Actually, those who know me, know that there's not been a single day that's not had a significant event for me (Sanyu, I can see you smiling...). These are just three years that repeated a pattern.

Let's start in 2004... Three years after I passed my XII boards and approximately two years after I started with my engineering. I was at one of the lowest points of my career, absolutely not keeping up with demands of engineering. Was ready to leave it and do what I wanted to (don't ask me what cos have no clue!). Finally, took a break of an year (or you might wanna call it "failed") and chose to step back and decide what I wanted. Application to the Camp America started... That's when I was in States for the first time, for 3 months. Through this time, my diary of unposted letters to her was what gave me an analysis of my surroundings and helped me make my opinions. Made me realize what I wanted...

2007... Done with engineering! Want to do something now, but again, have no clue, what I wanna do! Opportunity to apply for Rotary Peace Fellowship comes up. As usual, the typical me refuses, because, I am unsure. Some one jumps on the boat and pushes me to apply. Works for my Resume and statement. She's already made the most significant impact on Friends' Society. FS is scaling new heights. Now, it is my turn to scale up with the Rotary Fellowship. At the last moment when I am supposed to finish off the application, jumps out of the boat...

2010... Getting done with Rotary program! What's next? Again, not sure... Some skies clear up, options start showing. I am making choices, and an opportunity comes up. I need to make another application. Someone again materializes from thin air, as if it was pre-planned. We connect, the work starts, it seems the clouds are clearing. finally, there might be a respite! Things get to the peak, and bang goes it... A splash and the person's already jumped out of it.

All three turning points in my career, three different people at every point, all of them playing the crucial role of making me do what I did, being the tipping points. But at THE moment when I needed them most, three of them vanished. Apparently, no logical reasoning or lay-man theory could justify the vanishing act. But possibly the locus of control of my life at that moment seem to disappear in thin air, leaving me in shatters. It always felt as if everything was coming crashing down and nothing would rise again. But, on contrary, every time it turned out to be a gigantic leap for me, an U-turn, testament of my faith in the impeccable powers of one's will! How do I justify the irony of tears of pain accompanied with the laughter of achievement? Do I share the pain or do I go back to the person causing the pain, to share the joy of the moment. The moment that they were responsible for creating. The moment, that's gonna change my life, but they would not be a part of it anymore...

Actually, if I look back further, this is not something which started in 2004. March 1999, I'm erupting with excitement of starting something anew. I discuss the concept of Friends' Society with one of the very few of my friends, my "muhboli behan," rakhi sister. She's excited... Right into it... We start working on the concept. She's taken the responsibility of designing the logo for FS. I'm working on other aspects, the invites, the program, the blah blah blah... Career wise, it was crucial point too, it was my board exams. And, my last paper of boards, March 28. FS is to be launched on April 1, 3 days in hand. Morning of 29th, and my land line rings. I receive the call, she's on the other end, "Darshan, I am sorry, I cannot continue." Me: "What about the logo?" She: "Sorry, I cannot do it. I have asked X to work on it, pls. contact him." Again, no humane reason, no justification or clarification, a blunt statement. I was too naive then to look for a pattern in it or search for a reason. Possibly there was no time to think about it. And the excitement had no bounds, thus FS was formed and the flow started...

I wish I was the same now, as then. Living the moment, letting go off the past! Alas, it is 2010 and not 1999. The fact is, I've changed. Bruised and burnt, but not yet learnt from my own stories. Too naive yet to think, life's too small to delete living people outta it. Some day, either the life will change or me...

P.S.: This post is not to blame anyone or to point fingers at anyone. It is about the life's journey and the patterns that appear through it, like Richard Bach's "One." I am more than grateful for all the four ladies mentioned above, for their faith in me at those times, their support and unwavering affection. I'm grateful for having a wonderful family and bunch of friends, who stood by, irrespective of me under-valuing them and taking them for granted. This post is just a story of my life, the way I see it. An acknowledgment of the natural powers that start where the scientific reasoning ends. Because, there's never an answer to "Why?"

Square/Circle

So, it's back to square one!

I was reading William Dalrymple's Nine Lives, incidentally a travel book on India! In the book, he speaks of Karma. Rather Karma is his underlying theme... "..[I] believe in karma, and in cause and effect. An action has consequences; we are the consequences of our acts." And it reminds me of two other phrases, "Back to square one;" and "What goes around, comes around..." Incidentally, my life keeps throwing such surprises at me, that can only be explained through these age old words of wisdom. Though, I would never be explain what had to come around, and what led to come around... lol

"What is done is done, and I can't undo my actions." I know it for sure... Yet, the heart and the mind would run through the old incidents, the records of our brains and would want to check what went wrong? Why does the pattern have to repeat with me? lol

I don't know... But something seems to be jinxed. When ever I choose an option, the door slightly opens, to slam in my face the next moment. Wow, my face should have some strength to bear that time and again... Excuse me, if you are one of those who's raising his/her eyebrows while reading this and want to remind me of my blessings. Sure, I do, I do remember one and all. Me being alive is the biggest of them. Here, I am speaking in another context! I remember the medical professional, my family physician telling my Dad, something seems jinxed with Darshan... That kinda resonates with Wendy's quote: "Myths pick up the pieces where philosophy throws up its hands. The great myths may help survivors to think through this unthinkable catastrophe, to make sense by analogy." So, in my case, the analogy resonates what the Dalai Lama had said to me more than a decade ago. Yes, that actually puts everything in place!

So, irrespective of who comes and goes, in Dalrymple's words again: "The water moves on, a little faster than before, yet still the great river flows. It is as fluid and unpredictable in its moods as it has ever been, but it meanders within familiar banks."

(How do I usually land up with words related to flowing water, any time when I find myself in difficult situation? :) )

Post from iPhone

Ain't it perfect.. While attending a session on media in social change, I'm using for the first time my iPhone to type this post. Technosavvy me... ;-)

That's all I have to tweet right now. Will get back soon..

One Young World: Commercial...

I am sure, you guessed from the title of this blog, what it is going to be about! Yes, about nothing... It's just been long since I posted something. Not that I didn't have anything to post, but that there was always some reason not to write!

Any how, currently in London, enjoying (?) the freezing temperatures and snow fall. To top it up, a kind of confused start to this conference. Man, I used to use a phrase, "conference mongers." Mind you, seems I have become one. lol.. I have attended more conferences last year than I have in the time of my under-grad education. So not a surprise, if I start organizing conferences as a commercial venture in near future... ;-)\

There's lots to update about the conferences and my life in them, but the reason I have today is, my battery's gonna die soon. So, I'll update that later.

To London: irrespective of the cold freezing weather, its a nice charming city. I am enjoying it! Lots to update on that front too...

And lastly, there's a news!!! Wait for the right moment... :P

Making time

When I was in India, me n my friends were in a habit of forwarding texts to each other. One of the forwards said something like this: "Gift some one your time. Because when you give someone your time, you give them a part of your life that is never going to come back!" Wow... That sounds real cheesy...

But, but there's an element of truth in it. The other day I was chatting with a friend, and she said: "If you prioritize something, you need to make time for it. It is the test of your genuine intentions..." She was speaking in context of relationships, where more often than not she had observed crumbling relations because either one could not make time for each other.

On my flight from States to India, I was watching some movie or reading some survey, don't remember exactly. But what I remember is a line: "Cheating is growing in relations, because the need for communication is not met within a relation." It went on to clarify why men cheated more than women, because their needs for communication were not met fully. (I don't think I would agree fully to the justification of cheating by men, but the gist of the story remains true..)

These three incidences and possibly numerous more personal experiences make me wonder about the same. What is a relation after all? It might be defined differently by different people. Is it coming together of two physical souls for mutual purpose of mating? But then that's available without even getting in a relation. What is it then, that makes a relation a necessity? For me, it is the notion of communication. Coming back to one person with whom you share your life, to express your experiences and your feelings, the sense of security that it brings along, that's what a relationship is needed for. The communication that starts with words, but reaches a level where two people don't need words any more to communicate. There's a silence that speaks to each other, of each others emotions. But, how would one reach to this stage, if there's no verbal communication initially?

What would you do if the person you care about, if the person you like would not make time for you? If there's no scope given to growth of a relation, is there use of the desire of being in one?

There are time sensitive questions that seem to shift the paradigm through which we look at relations.. Everyone seems to find there own way out of it. Could we find a way going "in" building a relation, rather than "out" of it?

Slow n ...

Who-so-ever said, "slow and steady wins the race"???

Life usually back fires... Had no clue, blog posts can back fire too. Actually that's my ignorance, because any written word can backfire. And as stupid as I am, I like written words more than spoken. So, usually I am on the records for most emotions I feel while the other side is safe!

Anyhow, back to topic. Yes, my last post backfired and I was preached to be slow. lol... How people use you against yourself? Whoa.. I am not sure if it's cultural or if it's national or if it's individual, but surely it's blunt! And those who know me, know how well I am with "blunt" edge of life. ;-)

Is it always for good to be "slow" though? I am sure to ponder over this for a while. Actually it does contradict my lifestyle till now, but at times it does speak for my life as well. It is a good food for thought, but still would appreciate your inputs!

Burn-out...

"Darshan, slow down..." "Darshan, wait..."

I always heard these phrases while growing up. At times for my physical actions, at times with my intellectual aspirations, at times with my emotional demands. Always... Every one who loved me, who cared for me, who wanted to see me happy said this at least once. But, I never paid heed. And, here I am... At 26, experiencing a complete burnout. Struggling to find my own identity between that of what others expect of me, and what I want of myself and what I have started seeing of myself. Nothing matches.. What were my own dreams? And what is it that is going to make me happy? Do I have answers for these? No... I have none... Cos, I never paused to look at what is it that I was running for, it was just a race, a race always. A competition of self-expectations and self-critique. Never gave myself any lee ways to make mistakes..

Today, December 8, 2009; with the pressure of completing at least two papers, and if possible three.. Drafting a few letters for a conference I am planning in February.. Planning my faculty's visit to India in first week of Jan.. Working on the FS reformation and restructuring.. Organizing personal stuff.. And loads of other jobs.. Total time available for this: not a spare moment.. And to add on to all of it, my health demands. The only thing my mind screams right now is: WTF??? Why do I pull on so much? So much more than I can handle? Bites bigger than I can chew...

And whom was I banking on, when I take up these tasks? The bureaucracy in MIT? Or the crumbling volunteer system of FS? Or the aristocracy of UNC SSW? What is it that gave me confidence that I will be able to lead all these projects with well organized teams? I don't know... Forget about the work related systems being in place. Did I even have a personal fall back ready? Or, while I am readying it, have I already destroyed a budding relation under this pressure? Who knows...

It is just a moment. Someone might say, "Darshan, you are stressed. Let it pass.." But no, that's not the case. Possibly this is the moment when I need to make choices. Look at the picture and decide, where I want to head. What is more important, relations and people or dreams and aspirations? And needless to say, the tasks already in hand.. Don't think I have much choice with either completing my M.S.W. or that of organizing this conference or planning the Summer Study Abroad for UNC SSW.

Darshan, buckle up... The Race is still on... Just the bearings have changed! You need to find your own RIGHT bearings!