June 22, 2021 - 1156 hrs. - I am at the door, as usual, before time.
"Excuse me, I have an appointment.. Sir called me at 12."
The lady did not even look up, she pointed to an empty chair..
I hate waiting, specially at the clinics. Come on, why can't doctors' put up a proper appointment system? Usually, I'd walk out after 10 minutes wait, don't care who's the meeting with, 'pl stick to time'! But, not today.. The doc had told me in advance, pl bring your work along, you will have to wait.
Was it a part of the treatment protocol? The wait, an exercise in developing patience?
It's been a while since I have knocked the doors of a Psychiatrist, I think the last was in 2008/2009, not much of a successful experiment then. But, this time I know, I need this, I have to make it a success. If I want to find myself, and find some peace, there's no other way!
What's wrong with me, you ask? Don't I have everything to be envious about: a good life, and a good wife.. Incredible kids and family, a great home and a few close friends, many well wishers. Hell, in these times of pandemic, I even have work that pays. Rather, if I wanted, I could increase it by leaps and bounds. I have enough blessings, and I'm grateful.
Then, why?
That's the question, right? Behind the smiling faces, the engaged conversations, could there be deep secrets, covering up wounds, hiding in plain sight? Because, showing your weakness, being vulnerable, isn't that a sign of failure?
NO, it's NOT!
It's high time we acknowledge that human brain, in partnership with mind and heart, is a complicated ecosystem. And, it holds many secrets, some that might be burning fires behind a confident wall. In my case, literally - a heartburn that I've been feeling in my throat for a few days now. It's like ferocious flames of fire in your throat, that the weak saliva is trying to douse.. (Good news is, it's a perfect excuse to eat tonnes of ice cream.. ;) )
And, so, I'm coming out.. I've always struggled with mental health issues: ADHD as a child, Claustrophobia, Attachment issues, and finally, the evil of all, chronic Anxiety. And that's why I went to the doc today, to start opening the Pandora's box, and dealing with the devils in my head, heads on.
Through a series of posts that will come up, I wish to share this journey, hopefully of healing and finding joy. Probably, someone some where reading these might just realise, s/he's not alone, and, that would have served the purpose..
🤞
