Didn't realise, how high the demand for psychologists is, until I had to look for one myself! It took me a few days to find a "good" one, and then a few more to get on his calendar. The earliest opening he had was 3 weeks ahead, until last evening, when someone cancelled for today, and he took me in. All of this was entertained, only after I paid up in full, in advance, the day my 3 week appointment was scheduled.
Neel's birth was a reckoning of sorts, towards the institutional discrimination our medical system is prone to. For someone like me, a person with resources, means and network, Neel's initial few days were tough, to say the least. I cannot imagine what happens to anyone who has either of the triage missing, let alone someone who has neither. No wonder, addressing mental health issues is considered a luxury. How can one afford the time, energy and most importantly, the money?
Any how, moving back to my reality.. The Psychologist I spoke to did not give me any diagnostic test (as demanded by the Psychiatrist), but did run through a conversation to arrive at a primary conclusion: anxiety, with borderline depression.
Anxiety, I do believe, no second thoughts..
But, me and depression? Seriously? I don't feel like it.. I'm functioning well enough, rather "high functioning", in terms of the psychologist himself. I'm doing everything I ought to do, and more. I'm NOT curled up in a bed, crying, literally and in head. Neither have I given up on life, rather I look forward to it. So, what's this depression all about?
Have you heard of stages of Cancer? Very rarely cancer is detected in the first stage, because the victim herself or himself is not aware of the disease, there's rarely any physical symptom. As I work with a cancer hospital, we see many patients who actually come after cancer has crossed the "curable stage", because that's when they see the symptoms.
I think depression is just like that.. We are not aware of the depression creeping in, until we reach a tipping point. We live perfectly happy life, go on about our day to day stuff, and then suddenly, one day, an episode pushes us into a spiral. That's the moment when depression props up its ugly head. More often than not, we brush it off as a mere episode, or more commonly, an "over-reaction". It is about recognising that moment, that it is NOT an over-reaction, giving ourselves the space to feel what we do in that moment, and letting not other's thoughts of "how good our life is" influence that emotion.
It was some tough, life altering decisions I had to take (and the realisation that I had to live with the consequences, forever) that led to the eruption of the volcano for me. I did not realise what it was, but I knew something was going on. That's when I sought help.. And, to my amusement, I have signs of something as serious as depression. It was hiding in plain sight, depicted through my sleep pattern, through my behaviour, through my food habits.. It just required a trained eye to look at it and call it out for what it is.
I hope anyone who is struggling out there, finds that courage, even if it is to reach out to me and have a conversation! I'm always available..
