Slow n ...

Who-so-ever said, "slow and steady wins the race"???

Life usually back fires... Had no clue, blog posts can back fire too. Actually that's my ignorance, because any written word can backfire. And as stupid as I am, I like written words more than spoken. So, usually I am on the records for most emotions I feel while the other side is safe!

Anyhow, back to topic. Yes, my last post backfired and I was preached to be slow. lol... How people use you against yourself? Whoa.. I am not sure if it's cultural or if it's national or if it's individual, but surely it's blunt! And those who know me, know how well I am with "blunt" edge of life. ;-)

Is it always for good to be "slow" though? I am sure to ponder over this for a while. Actually it does contradict my lifestyle till now, but at times it does speak for my life as well. It is a good food for thought, but still would appreciate your inputs!

Burn-out...

"Darshan, slow down..." "Darshan, wait..."

I always heard these phrases while growing up. At times for my physical actions, at times with my intellectual aspirations, at times with my emotional demands. Always... Every one who loved me, who cared for me, who wanted to see me happy said this at least once. But, I never paid heed. And, here I am... At 26, experiencing a complete burnout. Struggling to find my own identity between that of what others expect of me, and what I want of myself and what I have started seeing of myself. Nothing matches.. What were my own dreams? And what is it that is going to make me happy? Do I have answers for these? No... I have none... Cos, I never paused to look at what is it that I was running for, it was just a race, a race always. A competition of self-expectations and self-critique. Never gave myself any lee ways to make mistakes..

Today, December 8, 2009; with the pressure of completing at least two papers, and if possible three.. Drafting a few letters for a conference I am planning in February.. Planning my faculty's visit to India in first week of Jan.. Working on the FS reformation and restructuring.. Organizing personal stuff.. And loads of other jobs.. Total time available for this: not a spare moment.. And to add on to all of it, my health demands. The only thing my mind screams right now is: WTF??? Why do I pull on so much? So much more than I can handle? Bites bigger than I can chew...

And whom was I banking on, when I take up these tasks? The bureaucracy in MIT? Or the crumbling volunteer system of FS? Or the aristocracy of UNC SSW? What is it that gave me confidence that I will be able to lead all these projects with well organized teams? I don't know... Forget about the work related systems being in place. Did I even have a personal fall back ready? Or, while I am readying it, have I already destroyed a budding relation under this pressure? Who knows...

It is just a moment. Someone might say, "Darshan, you are stressed. Let it pass.." But no, that's not the case. Possibly this is the moment when I need to make choices. Look at the picture and decide, where I want to head. What is more important, relations and people or dreams and aspirations? And needless to say, the tasks already in hand.. Don't think I have much choice with either completing my M.S.W. or that of organizing this conference or planning the Summer Study Abroad for UNC SSW.

Darshan, buckle up... The Race is still on... Just the bearings have changed! You need to find your own RIGHT bearings!

American D'zire

I was chatting with a friend of mine from States a while ago… She immigrated to the States a few years back and during one of our recent discussions she’d mentioned that it was her home now. This chat turned out be interesting in that context… Opening up for your comments...

DPM (12/2/2009 2:07:20 AM): Wassup?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:07:25 AM): Hows life in CH?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:07:32 AM): not very smooth
Friend(12/2/2009 2:07:39 AM): i so wanna go to india
Friend(12/2/2009 2:07:41 AM): like right now
… … …
DPM (12/2/2009 2:08:27 AM): And what makkes you suudenly want to go to India?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:08:37 AM): When you want to stay in the States?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:08:39 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:09:01 AM): one of my best best friends is sick
Friend(12/2/2009 2:09:21 AM): plus there's too much stress here
Friend(12/2/2009 2:09:24 AM): with school
… … …
DPM (12/2/2009 2:09:52 AM): I'd thought someone was Americanizing herself
DPM (12/2/2009 2:09:55 AM): Ab kya hua?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:09:58 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:10:05 AM): noooooooo india is the best
Friend(12/2/2009 2:10:07 AM): lol
DPM (12/2/2009 2:10:12 AM): There's a saying.. Videsi bottle, Desi Sarab
Friend(12/2/2009 2:10:18 AM): hahahah
Friend(12/2/2009 2:10:46 AM): what are you doing over there
DPM (12/2/2009 2:10:57 AM): ?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:11:01 AM): met frnds yet
DPM (12/2/2009 2:11:07 AM): Obvious
DPM (12/2/2009 2:11:14 AM): Would you wait 3 days to meet them?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:11:15 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:11:57 AM): lol no
… … …
Friend(12/2/2009 2:13:21 AM): i'd meet them at the airport
DPM (12/2/2009 2:13:35 AM): Not so good one
…
DPM (12/2/2009 2:13:43 AM): Had an ABCD edge to it
DPM (12/2/2009 2:13:44 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:13:49 AM): hahahahah
Friend(12/2/2009 2:13:56 AM): i'm not abcd
DPM (12/2/2009 2:14:09 AM): But you hang out with them most
DPM (12/2/2009 2:14:20 AM): And your dezire to be an American speaks for it
…
Friend(12/2/2009 2:14:37 AM): na na i don't wanna be like them
Friend(12/2/2009 2:14:47 AM): they are idiots
DPM (12/2/2009 2:14:49 AM): But didnt you tell me that you plan to settle in the States
Friend(12/2/2009 2:14:50 AM): lol
DPM (12/2/2009 2:14:54 AM): and thats where your heart is?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:14:55 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:15:10 AM): my heart's stuck in india
Friend(12/2/2009 2:15:11 AM): lol
Friend(12/2/2009 2:15:52 AM): the reason for me being here and livind here is the same as to why all the indians come here
Friend(12/2/2009 2:16:04 AM): to have a successful life and career
DPM (12/2/2009 2:17:15 AM): So
DPM (12/2/2009 2:17:25 AM): do you mean to say ppl in India are not successful?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:17:36 AM): not as successful
DPM (12/2/2009 2:17:47 AM): I dont think i would agree
DPM (12/2/2009 2:17:51 AM): How do you define success?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:00 AM): why does everyone come here
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:05 AM): to earn more money right
DPM (12/2/2009 2:18:08 AM): K
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:09 AM): well
DPM (12/2/2009 2:18:16 AM): so for you success = money?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:33 AM): not entirely but its a big part
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:44 AM): and the other part's respect in the soceity
Friend(12/2/2009 2:18:58 AM): society lol
...
DPM (12/2/2009 2:19:26 AM): If money could make ppl happy
DPM (12/2/2009 2:19:34 AM): It would be the States instead of India
DPM (12/2/2009 2:19:42 AM): in top 10 happy countries in the world
DPM (12/2/2009 2:19:51 AM): But unfortunately India is number 1
DPM (12/2/2009 2:19:58 AM): Bhutan # 2
DPM (12/2/2009 2:20:03 AM): And States way below
Friend(12/2/2009 2:20:10 AM): see that's why i wanna come back
… … …
Friend(12/2/2009 2:20:20 AM): i was a lot happier too
DPM (12/2/2009 2:20:26 AM): hahahaha
DPM (12/2/2009 2:20:33 AM): And then you say you wnat to stay in states
DPM (12/2/2009 2:20:41 AM): Now you know why I call you ABCD
Friend(12/2/2009 2:20:50 AM): MANNNNN don't call me that
… … …
Friend(12/2/2009 2:21:23 AM): i would go back tomo if i could
DPM (12/2/2009 2:21:37 AM): who's stopping you?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:21:43 AM): immigration
…
DPM (12/2/2009 2:21:57 AM): again a contradiction
…
Friend(12/2/2009 2:22:25 AM): see if i go back there are chances that i might not be able to come back
DPM (12/2/2009 2:22:43 AM): I am not sure if I understand that
DPM (12/2/2009 2:22:50 AM): Unless you want to go back as an immigrant
DPM (12/2/2009 2:23:01 AM): But then that contradicts with your love for India...
Friend(12/2/2009 2:23:04 AM): dude i don't have a green card
Friend(12/2/2009 2:23:15 AM): i am an international student
DPM (12/2/2009 2:23:16 AM): Why would you need one if you want to come back?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:23:16 AM): and
…
DPM (12/2/2009 2:23:38 AM): so, why would you need one if you behold such a dezire to go back to India?.
Friend(12/2/2009 2:25:01 AM): ok see if you have established your career and everything in a country would you take a risk and start everything over in another country
DPM (12/2/2009 2:25:48 AM): Yes
DPM (12/2/2009 2:25:52 AM): If my heart wants to be there
DPM (12/2/2009 2:26:18 AM): What is life? Happiness or money?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:26:30 AM): I am not sure if i could buy satisfaction with $s
Friend(12/2/2009 2:26:48 AM): it's happiness but see i don't make those decisions for myself
Friend(12/2/2009 2:26:52 AM): my family does
Friend(12/2/2009 2:27:04 AM): i don't wanna go back and suffer there
DPM (12/2/2009 2:27:11 AM): WHAT?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:27:19 AM): What do you mean by suffer?
Friend(12/2/2009 2:27:58 AM): i'm a 100% sure i'll be more happy in a couple of years when i achieve what i want
Friend(12/2/2009 2:28:14 AM): i don't know if i can achieve that in india
… … …
Friend(12/2/2009 2:32:05 AM): dude people in india work hard and don't have that much opportunity and keep struggling the whole life
DPM (12/2/2009 2:32:15 AM): What is it that you dream to achieve
Friend(12/2/2009 2:32:43 AM): being a doctor
DPM (12/2/2009 2:32:55 AM): Are you sure you cannot be a doctor in India?
… … … (@ reverse Brain gain…)
Friend(12/2/2009 2:37:28 AM): i will too after completing my education hahahh
… … …
DPM (12/2/2009 2:40:49 AM): Would you mind if I post excerpts of our chat on my blog?
DPM (12/2/2009 2:40:54 AM): They would be anonymous
Friend(12/2/2009 2:41:35 AM): why? you can only if they are anonymous
DPM (12/2/2009 2:41:53 AM): That's what I said
… … …