"But then, it has become a kind of obsession, almost like a one-sided love affair with a quirky beloved. Perhaps I am just not used to leaving troublesome relationships midway!"
Just read this in an email from someone... It weaved in three threads that I was trying to think about, surely love, hate and life, all together bound by "trust" to form "relations." A weird equation, ain't it? Irony in itself...
I am confused, I find myself anxious. It is difficult to understand the true meanings of these words... Let me check the dictionary!
Love = afeelingofwarmpersonalattachmentordeepaffection [like]... Hate = todislikeintenselyorpassionately... Trust = relianceontheintegrity,strength,ability,surety,etc.,ofapersonorthing;confidence...
And, while I am looking up trust, I find a kind of answer to my question, of why am I trying to write this post... Because, trust is also defined as: confidentexpectationofsomething;hope.. HOPE! A word that banged outta movie Shawshank Redemption.
If I recall most of my discussions through life, I hear people speaking of hope. In hope of something or everything. In hope of gaining or loosing. In hope living or dying... One or another, but hope! And the moment the hope goes missing, it is like a Dementor's kiss... Blank, gone, oblivious to life!
Why am I writing all this? In last few days, I found myself struggling to balance the tricky triangle of love, hate and relations! The experiences that define my expectations have led me down at times, and exceeded my assumption at other. But, there's no sure pattern, neither is there a pre-determined sequence of actions. And through all of this, I have been sticking with a bare minimum thread of hope, hoping my own negative thoughts will not impact the bets of my life, hoping I can trust myself and others, hoping ti will turn out the way we imagine it together!
So, why was my blog titled "I'm not drunk.." Cos, that's what every drunk person says! And, its not a hear-say thing, cos I experienced it the other day. So, as you read bout the evening while it was happening, this is the aftermath...
So, yes, I had to run to check out where everyone was. While I figured it out, it was 2:00 a.m., closure time. By the way, why am I trying to describe it... Have you seen the movie, "The Hangover"? Exactly that's what happened in a couple of hours... The only thing was, we were fortunate enough that no one woke up with wrist bands from a hospital. In stead, all four of them woke up with the bar bands. I wish the details were good enough to be disclosed, but alas, all's well that ends well!
I'm back in Chapel Hill with memories that will be ingrained for ever. Now, it is going to be a busy time to graduation... Wish me the best!
Madhushala.. One of my favorite Hindi prose! Sounds melodious.. But in reality, the experience does not turn out to be as rhythemic!
On my birthday weekend, hanging out with friends. It's been one of the best vacations till now. Till this night.. Nothing wrong here too.. Just a slight change, instead o friends, I'm baby sitting four kids. Everyone in his own world, some trance heaven I don't know about. Possibly I've not yet been so pure to be permitted in the heaven...
As usual, I'm puzzled. What is it tat makes someone drink so much so tat they forget their own existence, the reality. I might understand it if someone's in utmost pain; but wat bout fit n fine individuals? I'm sitting here, staring t the crowd around.. Almost everyone seems drunk. Guys hunting for gals, gals hunting for guys.. To be politically correct, at times guys jining for guys and gals hunting for gals too. Why, didn't a guy just asked me if I was alone n needed company? Hey, before u misunderstand me, let me clarify. I'm not judging anyone here. Everyone has their own choices.. No issues. My issue is with the drunken dependency and the acts that take place under the influence, which u wake up to regret.
This is juts the stream of thought that is flowing across while I'm sitting here.. Seems I need to get back to baby sitting, or possibly walking; before it creates any trouble. Will come back on this for sure...
Reactions after attending a class on dismantling racism…
Unable to look up, hands in pocket, butterflies in stomach.. I was unsure if this reaction was for the activity we were doing or was it because of whatever was happening with my course work at school [ineligibility to continue my studies, as I questioned the system and rebelled against what I thought was inapopropriate], but I choose to assume that it was an impact of both. The silence and the judgmental criteria for the activity were disturbing. The grey shades between black and white pushed us back to reality, that not everything is on either side of the fence..
I come from the land, where emotions are valued over everything else. People prefer to be poor and happy, than disturbed and rich. A land where life is considered fluid, and needs the energy of emotions to flow, rather than the power of machines to govern life.. The land, where Mahatma Gandhi had said, that in case of dilemma, put yourself in the shoes of the poorest of the poor you might have seen (feel what he might feel), and then make a choice that he would make.. The country, where so called “stupid simpletons” like me, pray to “Mother” Earth in the morning, begging forgiveness for stepping on her. Where I have been taught, that everything around has an element of life, everything can feel, can sense, and can radiate; and this is not a myth, but a proven fact in quantum physics. (These sentences might not necessarily be true to every Indian, but this has been the Indian philosophy over ages.)
[This class makes me think of all of this…] We have not yet been too far in the class [of dismantling racism], it is just three classes At this stage, it has already been over-whelming to see how emotions play a role in every day functioning. Specially, because my observations here [at the school of social work] have been more disturbing than anything. Where we are taught to treat other humans as machines, where we are supposed to put ourselves in the shoes of know all, and consider that something wrong has happened with others’ life.. Rather, on a note of sarcasm, I feel using my mechanical engineering background, the way I would repair every broken car. (Now that itself is a myth, because every car is not repairable, but here we seem to be taught that every other human’s life is curable, by the “know all” me.) Where emotions play last role in any conflict, and the whole system of this education seems not to consider the primary factor that heart pumps the blood, and not the brain.. I use the word ‘we’ in all these statements, because it is a collective procedure.. Also, because I was surprised to know the reactions of my cohort, who are eager to learn the system than feel the emotions.. Who would still debate that the role play of emotions does not seem to take us anywhere, or that the real life situations are going to be different. Sure, they are going to be different, but nowhere easier than this. There is going to be no ‘safe space’ in real life, it is going to be as rough as possible.. And for me, this seems perfect simulation to understand what emotions are..
I personally feel, the world would be a much better place to live in, if there would be a day, when not one, but all would understand that, ‘Life is like a flowing river’, it flows irrespective the dams, the causeways, the mountains, or the slopes.. That every river meets ocean, and every human will be no more one day.. Neither would all the systems exist nor would the systematic approach.. What has, is and would ever exist is, mass and energy.. E=MC2
Life always gives a second chance... And whatever happens twice, has to happen thrice! The Ija, the Bija, the Tija...
What goes round, comes round... Kar bhala, to ho bhala...Life's deeds are a cycle... Sow, shall you reap!
I used to always hear these in and around me. Coming from a family of simpleton's, who believe in some natural power and the cycle of good and bad deeds, these theories were spices in their ingredients of faith. Me being an agnostic, I used to be selective with such spicy theories. 'Not much for me in there' kinds. But, life has it's own way to prove what it ought to... But let me clear, I do not wish to say that I yet believe in the theory, just that I have experienced enough coincidences, so as not to disqualify someone else' assumptions.
As usual, I'll draw it from my own life's example: 2004 - 2007 - 2010, the three years that came exactly at an interval of 3 years, changed my life considerably. Actually, those who know me, know that there's not been a single day that's not had a significant event for me (Sanyu, I can see you smiling...). These are just three years that repeated a pattern.
Let's start in 2004... Three years after I passed my XII boards and approximately two years after I started with my engineering. I was at one of the lowest points of my career, absolutely not keeping up with demands of engineering. Was ready to leave it and do what I wanted to (don't ask me what cos have no clue!). Finally, took a break of an year (or you might wanna call it "failed") and chose to step back and decide what I wanted. Application to the Camp America started... That's when I was in States for the first time, for 3 months. Through this time, my diary of unposted letters to her was what gave me an analysis of my surroundings and helped me make my opinions. Made me realize what I wanted...
2007... Done with engineering! Want to do something now, but again, have no clue, what I wanna do! Opportunity to apply for Rotary Peace Fellowship comes up. As usual, the typical me refuses, because, I am unsure. Some one jumps on the boat and pushes me to apply. Works for my Resume and statement. She's already made the most significant impact on Friends' Society. FS is scaling new heights. Now, it is my turn to scale up with the Rotary Fellowship. At the last moment when I am supposed to finish off the application, jumps out of the boat...
2010... Getting done with Rotary program! What's next? Again, not sure... Some skies clear up, options start showing. I am making choices, and an opportunity comes up. I need to make another application. Someone again materializes from thin air, as if it was pre-planned. We connect, the work starts, it seems the clouds are clearing. finally, there might be a respite! Things get to the peak, and bang goes it... A splash and the person's already jumped out of it.
All three turning points in my career, three different people at every point, all of them playing the crucial role of making me do what I did, being the tipping points. But at THE moment when I needed them most, three of them vanished. Apparently, no logical reasoning or lay-man theory could justify the vanishing act. But possibly the locus of control of my life at that moment seem to disappear in thin air, leaving me in shatters. It always felt as if everything was coming crashing down and nothing would rise again. But, on contrary, every time it turned out to be a gigantic leap for me, an U-turn, testament of my faith in the impeccable powers of one's will! How do I justify the irony of tears of pain accompanied with the laughter of achievement? Do I share the pain or do I go back to the person causing the pain, to share the joy of the moment. The moment that they were responsible for creating. The moment, that's gonna change my life, but they would not be a part of it anymore...
Actually, if I look back further, this is not something which started in 2004. March 1999, I'm erupting with excitement of starting something anew. I discuss the concept of Friends' Society with one of the very few of my friends, my "muhboli behan," rakhi sister. She's excited... Right into it... We start working on the concept. She's taken the responsibility of designing the logo for FS. I'm working on other aspects, the invites, the program, the blah blah blah... Career wise, it was crucial point too, it was my board exams. And, my last paper of boards, March 28. FS is to be launched on April 1, 3 days in hand. Morning of 29th, and my land line rings. I receive the call, she's on the other end, "Darshan, I am sorry, I cannot continue." Me: "What about the logo?" She: "Sorry, I cannot do it. I have asked X to work on it, pls. contact him." Again, no humane reason, no justification or clarification, a blunt statement. I was too naive then to look for a pattern in it or search for a reason. Possibly there was no time to think about it. And the excitement had no bounds, thus FS was formed and the flow started...
I wish I was the same now, as then. Living the moment, letting go off the past! Alas, it is 2010 and not 1999. The fact is, I've changed. Bruised and burnt, but not yet learnt from my own stories. Too naive yet to think, life's too small to delete living people outta it. Some day, either the life will change or me...
P.S.: This post is not to blame anyone or to point fingers at anyone. It is about the life's journey and the patterns that appear through it, like Richard Bach's "One." I am more than grateful for all the four ladies mentioned above, for their faith in me at those times, their support and unwavering affection. I'm grateful for having a wonderful family and bunch of friends, who stood by, irrespective of me under-valuing them and taking them for granted. This post is just a story of my life, the way I see it. An acknowledgment of the natural powers that start where the scientific reasoning ends. Because, there's never an answer to "Why?"
I was reading William Dalrymple's Nine Lives, incidentally a travel book on India! In the book, he speaks of Karma. Rather Karma is his underlying theme... "..[I] believe in karma, and in cause and effect. An action has consequences; we are the consequences of our acts." And it reminds me of two other phrases, "Back to square one;" and "What goes around, comes around..." Incidentally, my life keeps throwing such surprises at me, that can only be explained through these age old words of wisdom. Though, I would never be explain what had to come around, and what led to come around... lol
"What is done is done, and I can't undo my actions." I know it for sure... Yet, the heart and the mind would run through the old incidents, the records of our brains and would want to check what went wrong? Why does the pattern have to repeat with me? lol
I don't know... But something seems to be jinxed. When ever I choose an option, the door slightly opens, to slam in my face the next moment. Wow, my face should have some strength to bear that time and again... Excuse me, if you are one of those who's raising his/her eyebrows while reading this and want to remind me of my blessings. Sure, I do, I do remember one and all. Me being alive is the biggest of them. Here, I am speaking in another context! I remember the medical professional, my family physician telling my Dad, something seems jinxed with Darshan... That kinda resonates with Wendy's quote: "Myths pick up the pieces where philosophy throws up its hands. The great myths may help survivors to think through this unthinkable catastrophe, to make sense by analogy." So, in my case, the analogy resonates what the Dalai Lama had said to me more than a decade ago. Yes, that actually puts everything in place!
So, irrespective of who comes and goes, in Dalrymple's words again: "The water moves on, a little faster than before, yet still the great river flows. It is as fluid and unpredictable in its moods as it has ever been, but it meanders within familiar banks."
(How do I usually land up with words related to flowing water, any time when I find myself in difficult situation? :) )
Ain't it perfect.. While attending a session on media in social change, I'm using for the first time my iPhone to type this post. Technosavvy me... ;-)
That's all I have to tweet right now. Will get back soon..
I am sure, you guessed from the title of this blog, what it is going to be about! Yes, about nothing... It's just been long since I posted something. Not that I didn't have anything to post, but that there was always some reason not to write!
Any how, currently in London, enjoying (?) the freezing temperatures and snow fall. To top it up, a kind of confused start to this conference. Man, I used to use a phrase, "conference mongers." Mind you, seems I have become one. lol.. I have attended more conferences last year than I have in the time of my under-grad education. So not a surprise, if I start organizing conferences as a commercial venture in near future... ;-)\
There's lots to update about the conferences and my life in them, but the reason I have today is, my battery's gonna die soon. So, I'll update that later.
To London: irrespective of the cold freezing weather, its a nice charming city. I am enjoying it! Lots to update on that front too...
And lastly, there's a news!!! Wait for the right moment... :P
When I was in India, me n my friends were in a habit of forwarding texts to each other. One of the forwards said something like this: "Gift some one your time. Because when you give someone your time, you give them a part of your life that is never going to come back!" Wow... That sounds real cheesy...
But, but there's an element of truth in it. The other day I was chatting with a friend, and she said: "If you prioritize something, you need to make time for it. It is the test of your genuine intentions..." She was speaking in context of relationships, where more often than not she had observed crumbling relations because either one could not make time for each other.
On my flight from States to India, I was watching some movie or reading some survey, don't remember exactly. But what I remember is a line: "Cheating is growing in relations, because the need for communication is not met within a relation." It went on to clarify why men cheated more than women, because their needs for communication were not met fully. (I don't think I would agree fully to the justification of cheating by men, but the gist of the story remains true..)
These three incidences and possibly numerous more personal experiences make me wonder about the same. What is a relation after all? It might be defined differently by different people. Is it coming together of two physical souls for mutual purpose of mating? But then that's available without even getting in a relation. What is it then, that makes a relation a necessity? For me, it is the notion of communication. Coming back to one person with whom you share your life, to express your experiences and your feelings, the sense of security that it brings along, that's what a relationship is needed for. The communication that starts with words, but reaches a level where two people don't need words any more to communicate. There's a silence that speaks to each other, of each others emotions. But, how would one reach to this stage, if there's no verbal communication initially?
What would you do if the person you care about, if the person you like would not make time for you? If there's no scope given to growth of a relation, is there use of the desire of being in one?
There are time sensitive questions that seem to shift the paradigm through which we look at relations.. Everyone seems to find there own way out of it. Could we find a way going "in" building a relation, rather than "out" of it?
