Burn-out...

"Darshan, slow down..." "Darshan, wait..."

I always heard these phrases while growing up. At times for my physical actions, at times with my intellectual aspirations, at times with my emotional demands. Always... Every one who loved me, who cared for me, who wanted to see me happy said this at least once. But, I never paid heed. And, here I am... At 26, experiencing a complete burnout. Struggling to find my own identity between that of what others expect of me, and what I want of myself and what I have started seeing of myself. Nothing matches.. What were my own dreams? And what is it that is going to make me happy? Do I have answers for these? No... I have none... Cos, I never paused to look at what is it that I was running for, it was just a race, a race always. A competition of self-expectations and self-critique. Never gave myself any lee ways to make mistakes..

Today, December 8, 2009; with the pressure of completing at least two papers, and if possible three.. Drafting a few letters for a conference I am planning in February.. Planning my faculty's visit to India in first week of Jan.. Working on the FS reformation and restructuring.. Organizing personal stuff.. And loads of other jobs.. Total time available for this: not a spare moment.. And to add on to all of it, my health demands. The only thing my mind screams right now is: WTF??? Why do I pull on so much? So much more than I can handle? Bites bigger than I can chew...

And whom was I banking on, when I take up these tasks? The bureaucracy in MIT? Or the crumbling volunteer system of FS? Or the aristocracy of UNC SSW? What is it that gave me confidence that I will be able to lead all these projects with well organized teams? I don't know... Forget about the work related systems being in place. Did I even have a personal fall back ready? Or, while I am readying it, have I already destroyed a budding relation under this pressure? Who knows...

It is just a moment. Someone might say, "Darshan, you are stressed. Let it pass.." But no, that's not the case. Possibly this is the moment when I need to make choices. Look at the picture and decide, where I want to head. What is more important, relations and people or dreams and aspirations? And needless to say, the tasks already in hand.. Don't think I have much choice with either completing my M.S.W. or that of organizing this conference or planning the Summer Study Abroad for UNC SSW.

Darshan, buckle up... The Race is still on... Just the bearings have changed! You need to find your own RIGHT bearings!