I am sitting at a Café. It has actually become a kind of second home for me here. Every evening, walk on the road to temple, and stop at this place to devour some tasty sandwiches and thick shakes. Compared to US standards, this can be an extremely cheap place, and for Indian standards, a medium range… I enjoy the food they offer and I love the ambience. And yes, they also have internet :)
So, it is a part of my routine. Finish off the days work, take a taxi up from the office, and then spend some time here serving my empty grueling stomach, while observing beautiful colorful sunsets in the mountains, beyond the rivers and plateau. I love it… Today is one another such evening. I have just finished one sandwich, but as I had skipped my lunch today, I am still hungry. I have ordered one more sandwich, while I am sipping thick mango shake, while checking my emails and observing the changing skies.
On the opposite side of the road is sitting an old lady. Have you ever seen those award winning pictures of old people, full of wrinkles? She is a personification of those pictures, or rather the elected representative. Full of wrinkles, old worn out saree, a small steel can containing her water and a piece of paper which wraps a few crums of food. She is neither a beggar nor does carry on her face the “laachari” or pity of a beggar. She has her smile, content on what she has. She looks at me and gives a half smile, unsure of me smiling back. And I proved her right… My smile did not get bigger as much as hers, I am engrossed in my thoughts. Possibly engulfed in a guilt…
A guilt for the expensive sandwich that I have ordered, guilt for the expensive clothes I am wearing and the money I spend on phone. I am guilty of my privilege, when I see her towards the end of her life still struggling for daily bread and butter. This is not a new feeling… I have always had this. While working in MIT, when I used to see the employees of the age of my Dad or elder, coming on bicycles, eating a small tiffin and thinking twice before having a cup of tea, I felt guilty for my position, for the privileges I enjoyed of bossing on them. At my Dad’s office, I felt guilt looking at Namdev and Yadav, the two daily labourers… Though they had never been treated so by my Dad, rather they enjoyed a privileged position!
Yes, a feeling that has always permeated me, through my skin and soul. Rather, I recall an incidence, when the lady of my life was with me. We were, I assume, passing through a tough time. And she had made a statement, a profound statement that did not make much sense then but makes much more now. She had said, “Darshan, I cannot spend my lifetime with a person who would think of the farmer while eating his meals, who would think of poor while living his life. I don’t mean I do not feel for them, but I cannot put myself in their shoes every other moment. I cannot do this to myself.”
Now, looking back, I think she was right. I cannot do this to myself either. But, then how do I live a guilt free but considerate life?
P.S.: the picture is neither the old lady's nor is it clicked by me. It is thanks to google!
3 comments:
It's a good thing, to think how you do about this. The alternative is to be desensitized to the suffering around you, and that's just not you. When I think of all the problems of the world and the suffering, it's overwhelming and sort of leaves me with this guilty despair too. Thinking on the smaller scale makes things easier (we can do no great things, only small things with great love, once said a wise lady). Maybe next time buy this old woman a sandwich too. You (and I) are really blessed to have all that we do. Try not to feel guilty for a blessing, because without it you wouldn't be able to share and ease someone's suffering just a little bit. How amazing is it that we have the capability to do that, to be an instrument of caring and love!?
Hey Shannon, that is a valid point. I think my emotions are about the apparently unwarrented suffering. I never felt bad for the women begging outside our hotel in Dhaka, I felt bad for the kids. I do not feel these emotions for beggars... I feel these emotions for those who really work hard, at times harder than us, but still reap much less benefit than us.. That is what makes my emotions spin...
I completely agree with Shannon that we should not feel guilty for being priveledged. But, we should use that priviledge to inspire and motivate us to help others. How else can we make change unless there are people with education and awareness (things that privilege provides us) to do so? I think the most important thing, and maybe something you saw in the face of this woman, is thankfulness... to just be thankful for whatever it is that we have, no matter how much or how little it is... Miss you tons DeeDee and I hope everything is going well with your work!
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