Who am I?

The doubt is not of his existence, the doubt is of the fact that how was that possible, in flesh and blood.. The despair is not about all the questions to him, the despair is about my own existence.. The dilemma has nothing to do with him, it is my dilemma: Who am I?

Am I the Darshan, the world knows? Am I the Dee Dee I love? Am I the Dee loved by the one? Or, am I still searching for an identity? And, if I am all of this, then again, who am I?

As a child, I grew up, pretty sure of what I wanted to be.. Then came a phase, I entered the life of experimentation.. Trials and errors.. Burning hands and tasting bitter-sweet aroma of actuality.. Played around with life, found myself in muddy grounds, on hard rocks, in deep waters, on lashing waves.. “Let the river flow”, that’s what I always said.. That’s what I always lived.. Then, why and what makes me think so much? To ask for vodka on rocks and raise a toast of wine, but still say water, whenever asked for my favorite drink.. What is it that made me suddenly stop the American dance on Saturday night and walk out in chilly cold for an hour? What prompts me to be a protagonist? To break all the societal norms and be involved in everything that was supposedly not meant to be, and still not able to involve myself 100%.. Stopping myself just before I took steps, not once, twice, but umpteen number of times.. Why? Why? Why?

I have always struggled between two identities.. One of being myself.. One of being accepted within the people I wanted.. The third phase came in, when I was myself because of someone else, but could not value the same.. Why has it been always a tight rope walk?? By the time the soul re-search starts, why is it ONLY me again? And, when I make choices, the ‘tug-of-war’ starts, and I find myself being dragged from one sphere to another.. And the third dimension to it is, something that I don’t even know how to express.. But for sure, none of these give answers, they just add on to questions..

Richard Bach simply replies..

“The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change. “

And, do I really want answer to every question?

“You don't want a million answers as much as you want a few forever questions. The questions are diamonds you hold in the light. Study a lifetime and you see different colors from the same jewel.” (Richard Bach)